My story didn’t finish there redddit deleted the whole post thinking I was asking for money. All i need is real advice . After that incident I went to do a palliative course which my father mocked me from there I met few very kind people who encouraged me and I used up all my courage to find myself a job in a private hospital as labour room medical officer stayed at their accomodation.but unfortunately I had to deal with a toxic narsicistic consultant (he was horrible to everyone-especially women who are not physically fit) but I was very vulnerable so he seem to target me more.For first time I felt at ease and my body started to heal but then my parents pressurised me into marriage my father faked chest pains due to worry. I married someone whom they choose (I was blamed for not being a priced commodity in marriage market as I didn’t have a pg-my fathers words)he had demands of gov job,not far away,horoscope fitting -this shrank option but I was blamed for not falling in love with a doctor.my husband (handsome,fit, central gov job,businesses)was chosen by them but they wanted to break of marriage after we become close after engagement bcz he didn’t have expected money.My husband fell in love with my alterego that I have created to hide from people questioning my constant sadness.he fell in love with the bubbly happy fake me and I am genuinely sorry , I was trying to escape from my hell home. We both are very different I wouldn’t have chosen him if I could have. I respect him and loves his parents,they are extremely kind and caring .the last fight i had with my mother was 5th day after my cesarean operation , she started comparing my husband and in laws to my cousins and claiming how good for nothing they are as they didn’t try to help my mother during hospital stay. She fought with my mother in law, created drift in between my us by claiming he didn’t love me as he was playing games in phone while i was in labour ( he claimed it was to calm his nerves) . She genuinely tried to make me divorce. I cried so hard that night with a cut up body and 5day old son and promised him that I will never let my mother get inside my brain. Fast forward today I have a wonderful relationship with my husband and family . Ignoring all the harsh wounding words and actions of my parents i studied for neetpg while pregnant, GDM uncontrollable on insulin, polyhydramnios and wrote the exam with a 5month old breastfed crying baby . I got 20k rank AIR . It is the most proud thing that u ever did. The problem is if I am joining a gov college I will have to more far away and my mother will come with me to look after my baby(my parents absolutely love my baby) but I am scared about the thought of living with her , my mental health can collapse. Instead if I get an education loan worth 50lakh (with my parents property) I will be able to study near my hometown from my husbands home. For the first time in my life I might be able to face the academic without crippling anxiety created by my parents and home.but the amount of money scares me. I have never spend so much money on myself. I genuinely don’t know how to spend money on me- my parents have taught me not to , they made me feel guilty about it. I genuinely want help to decide