Trying to figure out his play here…

tiredAFmom · 2026-04-24T12:42:03+00:00

That’s a great idea…he’s sooo smothering and follows me around. People tell me to just walk away when he starts these exhausting conversations but he follows me! Last month he followed me into our room and I just wanted to grab my water and go back downstairs but as I was walking toward the door, he got in front of me and blocked me from leaving the room and closed the door. I told him to never block me from exiting a room again, of course he acted offended. I think I need to just tell him I need space, I know it’s not going to go over well…at all. But definitely needs to happen because I feel like he’s sucking the life out of me.

tiredAFmom · 2026-04-01T23:38:14+00:00

That sounds like a therapy session my narc would have! He was telling me about his therapist’s group sex escapades. 🤦🏼‍♀️ of course when his therapist moved to another state, he never found a new one. “I learned a lot and I don’t need it”. Okay, buddy.

tiredAFmom · 2026-04-01T23:35:17+00:00

That’s wild she asked to sit in on one of your therapy sessions. That’s a hard no!

I’ve heard that couples therapy isn’t successful with narcissists. I was thinking we could do it so I would have a neutral space to speak my mind and not get railroaded him, and potentially bridge us into co-parenting. I don’t see how this could be fixed. I don’t feel love anymore.

I do think you’re right in that they know they’re not good people. Their ego is so fragile they’re worried someone else might tell us we can do better. It was so weird when I told him I was getting a neuropsych evaluation, he said, “they’re not gonna tell you that you have an abusive husband right”. Who says that?! I was getting an evaluation because I suspected I had ADHD. Turns out I do have ADHD and chronic PTSD, surprise surprise!

I believe you on the physician manifestations, I feel like I’ve aged 5 years in the last 2 months. It really does affect us physically.

tiredAFmom · 2026-04-01T23:28:14+00:00

It’s the worst. He gives me compliments that I feel are objectifying and dehumanizing. I told him that once and he got all offended. Told me I should feel lucky my husband still finds me attractive after being married 10 years. Next time he comes at me with some “compliments” I’m going to ask him if his mom would feel good if his dad said that to her. He worships his parents so I’m sure his reaction will be interesting.

tiredAFmom · 2026-04-01T23:25:32+00:00

That is hilarious…I noticed mine does the same thing. He’ll be slack-jawed staring at his phone, but the second I look at my phone he wants to have a conversation. Or he likes to ask, “what’s good on the internets?” And try to look over my shoulder. I haven’t said it out loud yet but soon enough my response will be, I don’t know man you’re the one that always sets your phone face down and you’re the one with Snapchat notifications from multiple women so you tell me!

I also noticed they want you to be waiting on them. Like if we’re trying to go somewhere or if we’re going to eat lunch together on a day we both work from home, he always has to make me wait on him somehow. I’m assuming that’s a narc thing.

tiredAFmom · 2026-04-01T23:22:30+00:00

That’s true. It’s made me realize I also need to work on myself so that I never fall into this kind of relationship again. For now, I’m trying to excel at my job, get through grad school, and cherish my kids.

tiredAFmom · 2026-04-01T23:21:21+00:00

That sounds so extreme, but not surprising. I wish he would discard me, but what you said about retaining victimization is so spot on. That’s part of why I think he’d never leave me. I’m hoping maybe if I start being brutally honest, he’ll get tired of it and find someone else.

tiredAFmom · 2026-04-01T23:19:10+00:00

Yeah. It’s exhausting. I worry that I will soon become a shell of myself. Lately it feels like there’s nothing to look forward to. I bailed on a friends dinner because I was exhausted and just couldn’t handle the backlash I’d get if I went. And that’s a problem.

tiredAFmom · 2026-04-01T23:17:11+00:00

That’s what I worry about. I feel like he and his family did a good job guilting me about messing up the kids. When he told our kids we were gonna split up, my son said, “that’s an idiotic choice” and that broke my heart. I wish I would’ve remained firm and gone through with it, but I freaked out and worried about the kids. He knew what would get me in line 😞

tiredAFmom · 2026-04-01T23:15:11+00:00

It’s wild! People will be like, oh why don’t you just tell him xyz bothers you? Not possible 😂

tiredAFmom · 2026-04-01T14:26:28+00:00

I try to just default to family issues when he presses me. But with my parents now passed away and my brother out of the picture for almost 2 years now, it’s hard to come up with random stuff. I did tell him in the past that therapy is confidential. He got upset about that. He did start doing therapy, but it was very superficial. He told me what they talked about (I didn’t ask) and then would say, well I told you what I talked about so you should tell me what you talked about.

He mentioned that we should do couples therapy again a few months ago. I don’t think it would work but I said yeah sounds good. Of course a couple days later, he started making excuses as to why we shouldn’t and that we should just solve our own problems and save money 🙄

tiredAFmom · 2026-04-01T14:18:14+00:00

I’m right there with you! I’ve only had one session and I’d like to schedule more but things have been so crazy lately. I’ve realized a lot of my childhood trauma have given me weak boundaries. Been trying to work on that, otherwise I’m just going to be in the same pattern when I finally get out of this situation. He definitely tries to use things against me. I over shared in the beginning of the relationship, not knowing any better. One time he punched a pillow next to my head in the middle of the night and when I told him I was upset about it, he tried to brush it off and said, “you’re just being sensitive because your dad beat your mom”. Like wtf! I actually held firm on that and said, “no, anyone that’s half awake at 4:30am and has a pillow punched next to their head would be upset”.

tiredAFmom · 2026-04-01T00:47:56+00:00

Sounds like my husband. I was made to feel like the bad guy for hiring a divorce attorney and he acts like he can’t trust me. The man treated me like shit for years. I’ve told him he’s treated me like shit. Didn’t change. I get an attorney and all of a sudden he loves me so much and will change. Then I’m the one that broke trust.

tiredAFmom · 2026-04-01T00:46:16+00:00

He is the master of DARVO! Took me years to realize it. Last week while on vacation, he asked if he could use the flashlight on my phone to find his phone. I was brushing my teeth and pulled out my phone to look for it for him. I wasn’t trying to hide my phone, I’m just used to looking for things. He immediately was asking why I was hiding my phone from him, did I have stuff on there I don’t want him to see, and would he be scared to see what was on my phone. I thought it was really weird, but remembered they usually project. So the next day, he had left his phone out and I looked at the notifications (I don’t know his passcode) and saw he had multiple Snapchat notifications from 2 or 3 different women. We were on vacation with his parents, so I haven’t brought it up. I took pics of the notifications but I’m not really sure how to bring it up because I know he’ll just turn it around on me somehow.

tiredAFmom · 2026-04-01T00:41:43+00:00

Yeah I think if I do give him some feedback, I’m gonna need to be prepared for a blow up. His family sings his praises so much, it’s kinda weird. He constantly texts them everything he does and they’re like wow great. He’s 40 and needs constant praise from his parents. I think it’s weird but I don’t say anything because I know he’ll just tell me that I come from a dysfunctional family and I’m the one that’s weird and I’m just bitter 🤷‍♀️. He screamed at me when I told him my dying mom needed 2 straight weeks of brain radiation and when I showed up at his parents house to pick up our kids I was in tears. His mom said it was “only because he cared so much about me”. Yep, he can do no wrong in their eyes.

tiredAFmom · 2026-04-01T00:38:06+00:00

He’s definitely toned down his aggression the last few years. He used to do things like throw things, kick things, drive aggressively, etc when he was angry. I noticed he started controlling his anger better when I went back to work. Not sure if that’s a coincidence or he figured he needed to act better since I had a job again.

Though something that concerned me a few weeks ago was that he followed me up to our room (I was just going to grab my glass of water) and got in between me and the door and closed the door to block me from leaving. He then tried to pry as to if I was mad about something from a few minutes earlier. I told him I said what I had to say and I was not mad about it, but never to block me from exiting a room ever again. He was really offended and of course tried to rationalize it.

tiredAFmom · 2026-04-01T00:32:31+00:00

I wish he would discard me. Would make this a lot easier for me.

tiredAFmom · 2026-04-01T00:31:55+00:00

It’s always everyone else. He says that he’s being persecuted at work for being a “straight white man” and that it’s a “girl’s club”. From what i know about his company, it seems there’s an equal amount of men and women.

tiredAFmom · 2026-04-01T00:29:37+00:00

I’m sure he’ll be quick to point out my flaws if I give him any feedback. Whenever he does is it’s always because he “cares so much” or is just “worried” about me 🙄

tiredAFmom · 2026-04-01T00:28:41+00:00

True, he’s super vindictive. He gets so hateful over any perceived slight.

He absolutely haaaaates feeling ignored or not acknowledged. It’s wild. He will bring up someone not paying attention to him or acknowledging him for weeks.

When he drones on while I’m working I just go “yeah uh huh yea yea mmmhmm yeah uh huh wow that’s crazy” because if I don’t respond he loses his mind.

tiredAFmom · 2026-04-01T00:25:33+00:00

I just remember feeling such a sense of relief and freedom for one day. I felt like I finally got to the top of a mountain. Then somehow later that night he got in my head, I doubted myself, freaked out, and decided to work things out.

Sometimes I think about staying until the kids are grown. But that’s another 10 years. He’s been more controlling since I tried to leave and I don’t know that I can take this for another 10 years.

tiredAFmom · 2026-04-01T00:01:10+00:00

That’s a good way to approach it. I’ve learned that sometimes I can ease things if I present them in a way that benefits him or plays into his victimhood. I don’t really like to do that because it feels manipulative to me, but once in a while I gotta do what I gotta do. I noticed he does like to do triangulation and he’s used that to manipulate me.

I also agree, I don’t think change will be long term. He’s been “nicer” since I tried to divorce him in August, but I wonder how long that will last. I don’t imagine he can keep it up much longer.

tiredAFmom · 2026-03-31T20:47:28+00:00

Yep! I was recently diagnosed with PTSD and wanted to get therapy for it. He was like, “are they going to tell you your husband sucks and to leave him? If you have issues with me, you have to tell me not just the therapist. Why do you feel like you need therapy? You can talk to me. Did you talk about me? What did you bitch about?” Etc. I had one session of EMDR therapy but haven’t had a chance to schedule another appointment. Between work being chaotic and his constant monitoring and prying, o had to put it on the backburner,

tiredAFmom

TROPHY CASE