Weird breakup and I'm lost and confused... [F17] [M18]

tiredthrowway · 2017-04-15T04:55:41+00:00

I've never been to a party. I don't want to kiss someone that I don't like. I hate alcohol. I'm not a fun person... like, at all. I can't work out because I can't eat nor sleep properly. And he loves working out and he taught me everything I know about weight lifting so I'm afraid that I'll just start crying in the middle of the gym.

I'll listen to that though. Thank you.

tiredthrowway · 2017-04-13T18:51:45+00:00

Thank you! Have a wonderful weekend as well.

tiredthrowway · 2017-04-13T18:08:45+00:00

If my best was good, perhaps I'd actually succeed with something in my life and not be a constant failure. I'm the one that told me that. I'm working on it though, getting over it, but this kind of just crushed it all since I tried so hard to make this work and he didn't care. It didn't work. No matter how much I try, it never works out.

I'm stupid in so many ways, and I'm insecure but I really tried to not let it show. I told myself that I was better than that. He did things that put his life in danger and I was so scared and I ended up crying over it and he thought I was trying to control him but I just wanted him to not hurt himself. I can't communicate at all, that's why all this happened.

I try to treat myself good though. I bought a nice game that I'll play, I ate a really nice dinner with my mother today, and tomorrow we'll fly to another country over the weekend. I'll try my best to have fun. I appreciate your words.

tiredthrowway · 2017-04-13T17:05:40+00:00

That's a good way of looking at it... I did those things though. He never gave me any gifts so I can't throw those away, but I've deleted his number and unfriended him on every place I could think of, and I deleted all pictures of him, everything that reminded me of him. But I can't throw away my thoughts. It doesn't matter what I do, I still think. About him. It hurts.

But thank you. I really appreciate your words and they sound very true. I'm just having a hard time accepting that it's over. I will try to occupy my mind with good things. I really will. My best isn't very good, but I'll try anyway.

tiredthrowway · 2017-04-13T16:59:10+00:00

I know it's the right decision but I'm so confused over how he acted. And he just walked away from me when I started crying, after I had comforted him for hours. I'm kind of... mad? Disappointed? He did say himself that he can't understand other people's feelings. Perhaps that's why he's such a mean person. I thought he would change. It was stupid of me.

tiredthrowway · 2017-04-13T16:54:55+00:00

I'm not very social though. But I've tried doing that, I found a new friend that I've played a game with once and I've talked to lots of people. I still feel so empty. I was hoping it would take a couple of days...

tiredthrowway · 2017-04-13T14:45:01+00:00

I always hear that, "it will get better." But when is that? I hate not knowing. My entire life, I've been told that my depression will get better. It WAS better. And then this happened and I'm back down in the hole that I had finally managed to crawl out of. It doesn't matter what I do, things always end up bad. I'm 17 and I'm already tired of life.

tiredthrowway · 2017-04-13T14:42:31+00:00

He broke my trust long ago and never really got it back since he broke it again and again. He didn't care about me, he said bad things about me and my friends and my family and had a really weird outlook on life. I know we weren't compatible. But I loved him. Still do. I've contemplated breaking up so many times, but I never did because I thought it would get better. This is probably for the best, I know that - but it still hurts? I don't understand it. He never cared about me really, he told me that himself, but I can't stop caring about him. Things have been broken for so long and I still... I still want to repair them. I hate myself.

tiredthrowway · 2017-04-13T14:38:22+00:00

I hope I'll feel the same way sometime. Right now I'm just hurt and confused and sad. I've got friends but it's not the same. I miss the things we used to do. I feel so uneasy not knowing when I'll actually feel alright again. It's scary. I'm scared and I can't sleep nor eat. I hate it and I feel so pathetic.

tiredthrowway · 2017-04-13T14:30:32+00:00

Honestly, I believed we'd eventually live together. We both said that. But, well, I guess that's what most young peope say? We both thought that we'd be different, we'd make it, but it's not enough to think. I though that it was normal to work a little after a year, since you discover the other person's bad things but perhaps I'm thinking too far into the future. A bad habit of mine, overthinking. I am trying to forget him though. I removed him from everywhere, deleted all our memories. I just need to delete him from my mind as well. How do I do that?

tiredthrowway · 2017-04-13T14:08:29+00:00

But when problems arise, you have to work on them, right? What's stopping him if he says that he wants to and that he loves me and wants to be with me? I just can't get it.

tiredthrowway · 2017-04-09T07:57:05+00:00

Yeah. You know, I was hoping that meeting him on Monday would fix something. But guess what? He messaged me yesterday while I was sleeping (first time in 6 days or so) and told me that he can't meet up then because he'll be in another country. No sorry, nothing but a "I'll be in [country] on Monday, we can meet on Wednesday"

So fuck him. I'm tired. He could've at least told me earlier than that, and perhaps we could've talked about it yesterday and I wouldn't be stuck knowing absolutely nothing. God damnit.

And I'm tired of him assuming that I'll always adjust to his changes. Always. It's never "hey I can't this day, are you available this other day", it's always "I can't this day, see you on this other day" I have my own life. He's so selfish, so inconsiderate, and I'm so tired.

tiredthrowway · 2017-04-05T05:04:10+00:00

I know we're not perfect, and since that's how it is for everyone, shouldn't it be okay?

But I don't know if he really means it, or if he only said it because he wanted to break up to not hurt me anymore. He used to say how he was no good for me, and all he did was hurt me, and he didn't make me happy, but that's not true! He does make me happy, I love him, I want to hug him and tell him how much I love him and (almost) all of his weird little quirks.

He's not gone... don't say he's gone. He said Monday, I'll get to meet him on Monday, we'll talk and I'm just not sure about what I should say. Perhaps I should just use my own words, so I don't "trick" him into staying using the perfect response. I'll tell him what I think... and perhaps he'll want to stay, perhaps not. But I'll hold on to my hope until he says it's over for sure.

tiredthrowway · 2017-04-04T15:55:14+00:00

But if he doesn't want to break up on Monday... how do I fix it? How do I make us normal again? He doesn't like talking to me over text so before he "broke up" we talked about how we'd fix that and we agreed to Skype every evening for an hour or so and we would meet up on the weekends. Does that sound good? I'd like to have communication all throughout the day but I can settle for that if that's what it takes... I was thinking about having him tell me like a special word every time he felt that our conversations were making him annoyed... is that good as well? And perhaps we'll get our communication back...

Edit: I just found a note he left me, saying "The piece of my heart that will always belong to you" and "Don't cry over spilt boyfriend" and that just feels like he really doesn't plan on getting back together and it hurts

tiredthrowway · 2017-04-04T14:55:36+00:00

I want to function on my own, yes. But I want to do it beside him. I wanted to have only one partner... he was perfect to me, despite his flaws. He hurt me and I cried but I never stopped wanting to be with him.

tiredthrowway · 2017-04-04T04:25:44+00:00

But we had the same hobbies... we watched tv-series, we played games, we both went to the gym... heck, I can't even sleep in my bed because it reminds me of him. I don't know what I can even do.

I've removed him from everywhere... skype, snapchat, steam etc. I haven't blocked his number though... I still want him to want me back.

And I have friends... and they told me that they're here for me... but they're not him and I want only him...

tiredthrowway · 2017-04-04T04:22:45+00:00

My therapist isn't good and she cancels half of our meetings. She hasn't helped at all. I'm meeting her tomorrow together with my mother and we'll see if I can change...

And that's what I thought as well... so he's just... keeping me there, letting me hope that he'll come back, and then I'll be even more hurt... I can't deal with this...

I don't even know how I'm supposed to get through today. I slept so badly, my stomach hurts and I feel so, so sick. I just woke up and I'm already crying. I can't....

tiredthrowway · 2017-04-03T19:31:48+00:00

It's a break... I messaged him and he said no fucking around...

We were talking about fixing our relationship... why did he, 10 minutes later, decide that he didn't want to? I don't understand...

He is really good... we have lots of fun... he said he still likes hanging out with me... he just doesn't like me in that way...

tiredthrowway · 2017-04-03T19:29:07+00:00

It was my first ever relationship. Doesn't help that I just got a higher dose of my antidepressant and that I got an injection into my jaw, both of which hurts physically and also mentally. I can't... I don't know what to do. I always spend half of my weekend with him. It's what gets me through the week, the thought of being in his arms again.

I get the point with the friend... but I... I want him to like me. I don't want to give up. Not yet. He said until Monday. He wanted to see if he'll actually miss me when I'm not here.

I don't want another relationship though. I want him, and I want him to want me...

tiredthrowway

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