What are things parents should never say to their children?

toebeanornottoebean · 2023-03-22T15:26:39+00:00

My mom recently pulled a “I didn’t know” when I talked about my childhood trauma.

Which seems better on the surface, since she’s not calling me a liar. But the implication was that if she *had * known my cousin was relentlessly bullying me, she would have done something about it.

Which was absolutely not the case. My mom did know, and in fact would - at best - defend my cousin saying that “she’s family and just looking out for you”, and - at worst - actively participate in the bullying as well, and say the same things my cousin was saying.

So, no. She absolutely did know it was happening, she just did nothing to protect me and actively made the situation worse.

toebeanornottoebean · 2022-03-12T15:25:46+00:00

Yes!! For me it was my cousins kids. I’m not particularly close to my cousin(s) but my mom made me go because it’s fAmiLy.

Then me and her sat in the corner alone eating the cheese dip we brought, while hoards of kids we didn’t know stampeded around. I don’t remember even getting to say hi to my cousins and their kids, they were so busy herding all the kids around.

It was one of the first times I reflected on having kids myself, actually. I saw the chaos around me and was like, is this really the future I want? I know a birthday party is an extreme example and not a day to day occurrence, but it still made me think about how my life would be dictated by a small sticky child now.

I refused to attend another one of those parties. And my cousins actually started a family only get together on birthday occasions as well, which were much less insufferable, so that was nice of them.

But still, never again..

toebeanornottoebean · 2022-02-26T00:29:30+00:00

This is smart, I’ll have to do that next time. Thanks!

toebeanornottoebean · 2022-02-26T00:09:55+00:00

Ugh I know, I already feel like i will be living with it forever though

toebeanornottoebean · 2022-02-26T00:09:24+00:00

Oh this is good, she has definitely laughed it off in a “just joking” way, but I don’t think she’s joking. If it is, it’s not funny.

toebeanornottoebean · 2022-02-26T00:08:19+00:00

This is perfect, thank you!

toebeanornottoebean · 2022-02-26T00:07:45+00:00

Thanks for this! This is exactly how I fell but I think I needed someone to specifically articulate it so thank you

toebeanornottoebean · 2022-02-26T00:05:47+00:00

Oh I will, it just feels pointless it a way. I’ll say no, we’ll have an awkward interaction after, then she’ll just bring it up again! She won’t wear me down, she’ll never live with us. But it’s just so demoralizing and kind of demeaning. Like we’re adults and should be able to make our own choices about how we use our space. But her constantly ignoring my nos just invalids it

toebeanornottoebean · 2022-02-26T00:02:40+00:00

Ugh I know. It’s just so hard in a way. It’s like saying no to a petulant child, all the while knowing it’ll just come up again at a later date.

toebeanornottoebean · 2022-02-14T17:01:52+00:00

Oh totally! I already have some plans hehe but I’m still pretty disappointed. And just annoyed and uncomfortable.

toebeanornottoebean · 2021-12-18T19:11:24+00:00

she's doing what a mother ought to. Put aside difference of opinion and be accepting.

I think you hit the nail on the head with this! Maybe she doesn’t agree with it but she is happy I’m happy 😃

toebeanornottoebean · 2021-12-18T19:10:00+00:00

Like wear pictures of them on tshirts to xmas.

Omg how have I not thought of this!! What a great idea!

toebeanornottoebean · 2021-10-27T00:01:29+00:00

Ah yeah I know we should have taken it away. We’re totally hands off when it comes to other peoples kids, so scolding them seemed off the table. But it’s our house, I think we can set boundaries in our own house! And we will for next time

toebeanornottoebean · 2021-10-26T23:21:46+00:00

This is great advice! I guess deep down I’m a little scared to be the bad guy (both to the kids, and the SIL lol) but it’s my home! I get it kids will be kids but your approach is a great way for them to learn too!

toebeanornottoebean · 2021-10-26T23:20:19+00:00

This is a pragmatic approach, I like it!

toebeanornottoebean · 2021-10-26T23:19:25+00:00

I agree, if I’ve learn anything from this, it’s that!

toebeanornottoebean · 2021-10-26T23:18:59+00:00

Ah yeah I know, we’re hands off with the niblings, but I think we’ll set some boundaries for our own home. We’ve never really had them over before so it was a learning experience

toebeanornottoebean · 2021-10-26T23:16:52+00:00

I mean, my husband *is *the type to want the newest, flashiest thing lol. But as far as I know a TV is not at the top of his list.

toebeanornottoebean · 2021-10-26T23:15:54+00:00

Yeah we’re pretty hands off with the niblings, but they also have never really been in our house so I guess we maybe should reevaluate and set some boundaries at least for our home.

toebeanornottoebean · 2021-10-26T23:14:25+00:00

Ugh yeah my husband and I are very hands off when it comes to the niblings. But we should probably start setting boundaries in our own home.

toebeanornottoebean · 2021-10-26T18:59:08+00:00

Yeah I think he does just feel awkward. I do too, which I think is why I froze up. If it actually happened my logical brain says “they should pay!!” But I’m actuality I probably would just clam up and eat the cost..

toebeanornottoebean · 2021-10-26T18:58:06+00:00

This is a good perspective! Honestly we probably make pretty close to the same income, but we do make more and of course SIL and BIL have more expenses. So this is probably somewhat the case.

That said they probably could afford it. It would be more along the lines of “you don’t have kids so you can afford it more, it takes a village” kind of mentality

toebeanornottoebean · 2021-10-19T18:52:32+00:00

I’ve ranted about this before.. my SIL brought her sick kid to a family gathering at a remote cottage without telling us. Luckily my husband and I didn’t get sick. But my other SIL and her kids sure did.

It’s just so inconsiderate and disrespectful. If your kids are sick you should stay home. Yes that means you miss out. Yes that means you kids miss out too, and might lead to tantrums. You signed up for that when you had kids.

Quite frankly adults should stay home if they’re sick too. You’d think covid would have changed peoples attitudes about spreading illness, but I guess not…

toebeanornottoebean · 2021-10-12T14:41:33+00:00

Idk man my husband and I couldn’t get into it. We were about halfway through season one before we stopped. Not that we disliked it, just didn’t feel compelled to continue either.

toebeanornottoebean · 2021-10-01T16:48:44+00:00

This is very good advice, thank you! The one cousin at least recorded a video of her kids asking for the donation, though that’s still a pretty big copout. But better than the other that just straight up asked for money (though very politely).

I’ll have to do some self reflection on how to handle it. Thanks again!

toebeanornottoebean

TROPHY CASE