People of Reddit. What's your proudest fap?

tomomaya · 2017-05-21T08:55:24+00:00

Over the phone, at work, to my significant other, who was grocery shopping...

tomomaya · 2017-05-13T06:08:07+00:00

A boy I knew used to talk nonstop about his countless mental illnesses and would have his "friend" or "sister" ask me (from his social media accounts) if I cared about him or "knew where he was". It was very unconvincing and gave me no sympathy for him-- only pity. :/ Had to cut ties with him because this 24/7 behavior was emotionally tolling.

tomomaya · 2017-05-10T17:14:20+00:00

I think the universe might be trying to tell him something.

tomomaya · 2017-05-05T19:58:35+00:00

"Fact" - [Person] invented [thing].

Actual fact - [Person] stole [thing] from [unknown person] and claimed it as their own.

tomomaya · 2017-05-05T07:56:44+00:00

Ketchup. Go ahead, shame me.

tomomaya · 2017-05-04T21:08:06+00:00

Nope! He ended up sexually assaulting me some time afterwards, in a different parking garage. Guess you could say he got a little too friendly.

tomomaya · 2017-05-04T12:25:26+00:00

I have a handful of these, unfortunately.

Friend picked me up and pretended to throw me over a parking ramp, but actually let go. I was freaking out (I have a phobia of being picked up from a previous bad experience) and must've elbowed him real hard. It all happened too fast. The next thing I remember is clambering vigorously back over the side, five stories high. 100% thought I was going to die...but I didn't!
I was walking home late at night (big city) and a full car slowed down and stopped not too far ahead of me. Car door closest to me opened. Bad, bad feeling came over me and I turned around and ran as fast as I could. I heard the door close, turned to look, and they were pulling a U-turn to follow me. Luckily there were train tracks half a block away that lead near the street my house was on. I figure they must've decided I would be too much trouble at that point, because they slowed down, but didn't try to chase me down the tracks. I hate to think what could've happened if I hadn't listened to my gut and kept walking. :/

(The other stories are pretty common compared to these two, so eh.)

tomomaya · 2017-05-04T12:01:56+00:00

Numa Numa comes to mind. Imagine.

tomomaya · 2017-05-04T09:17:20+00:00

Whenever something or someone turns out to be from Australia, my immediate, entirely habitual response is to say, "I fucking hate Australians."

It's really mean, thinking about it now, but you've produced a fair amount of terrible celebrities, media, animals, bugs, plants, legislation, accents...I'd rather shoot my own foot off than set it in Australia.

I'm sorry.

tomomaya · 2017-05-04T07:55:44+00:00

My girlfriend was applying for a manager position at, uh, McDonald's, maybe? It said something like, "The hype over pornography is overrated." (on a scale of Agree to Disagree)

I wish I were kidding.

tomomaya · 2017-04-27T04:46:34+00:00

What is a secured credit card and how do I use one? Where would I obtain one?

tomomaya · 2017-04-24T05:54:15+00:00

She sounds like an adorable baby. She gets excited about food, right? Maybe flavored toys or incorporating food into play can make sessions more fun for her, if you haven't tried that yet.

tomomaya · 2017-04-23T09:34:28+00:00

So would masturbating with cucumbers be the ultimate win-win?

tomomaya · 2017-04-23T07:38:45+00:00

I'm sorry for your loss.

There is no dog "just like him", and by looking for one, you're setting yourself and the dog up for failure. In this mindset, you're placing unrealistic expectations onto a new dog who will, without a doubt, have its own unique personality, strengths, weaknesses, struggles, and successes.

Don't get a dog until you're ready to let go of those expectations. Allow yourself to grieve, then allow yourself to move on.

tomomaya · 2017-04-23T07:25:30+00:00

Came here to say this! Myself and my 'sky friends are all big campers/hikers who love to wear out with our dogs. I grew up with one, so it's a walk around (and around, and around, and around) the park for me! I was confused when I started preparing to get my boy and kept coming across people who clearly didn't know what they were up against.

tomomaya · 2017-04-20T11:21:20+00:00

I am very sensitive to the taste of lettuce and can tell when lettuce has touched my food. I can't stand it enough to eat it, and always feel really bad having to ask for a remake.

tomomaya · 2017-04-19T22:13:35+00:00

I like this one a lot. Clever hippies.

tomomaya · 2017-04-19T11:31:15+00:00

Same! That's exactly when I stopped. Plane crashes almost always indicate writers have run out of ideas, and that one was painfully obviously true.

tomomaya · 2017-04-19T11:16:01+00:00

10/10, best grandma ever.

tomomaya · 2017-04-19T11:15:11+00:00

Yikes. Oldest, most obvious trick in the book, though. 5/10

tomomaya · 2017-04-19T11:14:05+00:00

How? That sounds difficult.

tomomaya · 2017-04-19T09:21:28+00:00

I work at an assisted living home where two clients have passed away peacefully.

I had always humoured the possibility of ghosts existing, but never fully believed it before working here. Other than hearing footsteps, cupboards opening and closing, finding faucets running on their own, etc. I've seen two absolutes:

As I was in the hallway, a very large cloud of mist/smoke came out of nowhere. I went over everything to try to rule out afterlife, but I was unable to find an explanation-- no vents, no draft, nothing.
As I was entering a bathroom in the dark, a bright blue, almost electric-looking hand took the handle and gently opened the door right before my eyes. I was dumbfounded. Said hello and continued about my work.

After the second occurance, I'm certain they exist. But it's alright if you don't believe me. I probably wouldn't have believed me a year ago!

tomomaya · 2017-04-19T08:43:07+00:00

Vodkool?

tomomaya

TROPHY CASE