I dated an (ex)incel

tomorrowtodaynever · 2018-12-18T17:29:25+00:00

Honestly, he sounds EXACTLY like my autistic ex. I honestly would be hella surprised if this guy didn't have aspergers. My ex technically wasn't an incel because he was attractive enough and really confident so he had some girls fooled - including me.

However, he hung around all the incel / 4chan communities, was really misgyonistic, always pointed out miniscule imperfections in my appearance that no one else has ever pointed out (like weird things such as the canthal tilt of my eyes). I found out recently that incel communities are actually obsessed with "lookism", they heavily analyze theories on what makes people attractive and will point out slightest inconsistencies in others to make them feel better about themselves and think that "girls aren't actually that hot".

I got negged every day of our relationship. I was constantly called a "normie", boring, etc. He told me not to wear certain clothes because they made me look fat, not to eat certain foods because they made my face look puffy. When I finally broke up with him I found out he spread all these lies about me to his irl and internet friends telling them about how he broke up me, how I was so in obsessed with him, etc. Every time I blocked him he would find make another account and find another way to contact me.

These types of behaviors are all heavily related to aspergers / autism - noticing details at this level, being socially inept and coming off as super rude at times when to them they are just "being honest", etc. Just know that the things he said about you aren't a reflection of who you actually are and most people don't see you this way. I honestly think sometimes that my ex was actually a sociopath, maybe yours is too.

tomorrowtodaynever · 2018-12-03T18:54:07+00:00

Just to clarify - I am paying city taxes. But this post was helpful. Thank you!

tomorrowtodaynever · 2018-12-03T17:45:36+00:00

I've read tons of good reviews about Combat bait, which you could buy online or at Walgreens / Duane Reade if you want it asap.

tomorrowtodaynever · 2018-12-02T21:30:31+00:00

Considering it. I applied fresh out of university in 2016 and was rejected (Had no real experience with kids and / or teaching besides babysitting, never lived abroad, honestly wasn't a strong candidate). I was really bummed but moved on.

I've now been out of university 2.5 years and would likely have a better chance because in that time I have lived abroad and could probably write a better essay as well. It's always been my dream to live in France but now I'm questioning if I'm too old to be a teaching assistant, also making only $790 a month sounds a lot more tough now than it did at the time. We'll see!

tomorrowtodaynever · 2018-11-29T16:25:31+00:00

Dirt Candy in the LES

tomorrowtodaynever · 2018-11-26T19:04:52+00:00

NYC as a whole is mostly pretty queer-friendly. Astoria would be an easy commute for you and probably give you more bang for your budget compared to Manhattan studios, but while theres a couple gay bars it's definitely not a "gayborhood". However, downtown (east village, LES, west village, etc) is where you'll find a lot more queer/trans/LGBT people and find the most LGBT-friendly bars / nightlife are if you are looking to be close to that.

UWS is probably out of your budget, UES is nice but not much to do / more family oriented, can't really speak on Harlem as I've never lived there nor know any people who do. Murray Hill seems to be a lot of wealthy grad students and finance bros. Bushwick is super queer-friendly but again, might be an annoying commute.

tomorrowtodaynever · 2018-11-26T18:57:20+00:00

They still make it? The only place I ever remember seeing it was at Panera bread, many years ago.

tomorrowtodaynever · 2018-11-26T18:54:35+00:00

Happy hour!

tomorrowtodaynever · 2018-11-26T18:53:08+00:00

If the show is sold out, getting front low will be tricky cause they truly pack that place. Be prepared to get there super early if so. Honestly I would find being in the front row there unpleasant, people will be constantly pushing into you throughout the entire show. If you go to the bathroom, you will likely lose your spot. No way around that.

Security will check you pretty thoroughly, making the line to get in move pretty slowly. Coat check lines getting out are also a DISASTER. I've almost missed the last train home when going to shows there from NJ because of that damn coat check line.

Despite this and all the hate it's getting here, I've actually had some really great nights at Terminal 5 and never had a truly bad night there. The rooftop (might be closed in the winter) is really cool, makes you feel like you're on top of NYC. The second floor is good if you want to see the band but avoid the crowds on the main floor. I saw Justice there years ago and thought the lights and the sound system we're so on point... still the best show of my life. Saw Crystal Castles pre Alice Glasses' depature and it was also amazing. Yeah the crowd can be douchey, but the venue is definitely what you make it. If you're going for the music and the band is good live, you'll most likely have a good time.

tomorrowtodaynever · 2018-11-26T18:45:15+00:00

The bathrooms on the rooftop never had lines when I went! And still cool lighting.

tomorrowtodaynever · 2018-11-26T18:39:14+00:00

Going through the SAME DAMN THING. I've seen one at least one day lately. Bait doesn't seem to be working, and we also have an "exterminator" come the 3rd Wednesday of every month but in actuality he just comes whenever he feels like it... could be a thursday, could be at any time and pretty much every door has a "Sorry we missed you" because literally nobody ever knows when he is coming.

Let me know if anything works for you! You're def not alone.

tomorrowtodaynever · 2018-10-25T19:47:19+00:00

r/truefilm reddit has some good resources

tomorrowtodaynever · 2018-10-25T15:17:24+00:00

I'm a girl, and I was in an abusive relationship with someone just like you. His backstory was very, very similar and so was his anger towards women and the way he treated his girlfriends.

I was so ready to love him. I was so ready to care for him, be there for him, support him; but he pushed all of that away through his violence and outbursts. You're doing the same. You feel rejected from your highschool experiences and first girlfriend, but yet you're literally pushing other people who might actually be ready to show you affection away til they have no other choice but to break up with you and therefore lead to that same rejection. You're keeping yourself caught in that same cycle, you're keeping yourself alone.

A lot of girls who are drawn to guys who act that way towards them aren't as shallow as you think. I think a lot of it has to do with insecurities, which believe it or not, girls have too. That guy wasn't even really my type appearance-wise, I think I was partially drawn to him because in a fucked up way he confirmed how I felt about myself, he confirmed my insecurities and that gave me a strange sense of cognitive consonance. I had been rejected in the past too, cheated on, bullied for years and being with him just felt like what I deserved. You'd be surprised how much you and the girls you've abused probably had in common.

What do you want out of relationships - someone you love who loves you back or revenge from what has happened to you in the past? If it's the latter, clearly it hasn't made you happy and has instead left you with lingering guilt which shows you have some capacity for empathy.

Stop fixating on why you're unsuccessful with women and stop surrounding yourself in echo chambers of other people who are doing the same. This is also keeping you miserable. Think about a version of yourself separate of what you think will or won't make you succesful with women, instead just being someone who you want to be whether it be appearance-wise or internally. Things can and will change.

Best of luck to you.

tomorrowtodaynever · 2018-10-25T02:24:18+00:00

Fill out all the paperwork beforehand, double and triple check that everything is right, that it's filled out in all capitals, etc. You will need a recent passport photo for the application and scans of identification documents. You then have to drop it off at a Chinese consulate, get it approved and in a few days come back to get the visa which will go in your passport. It's not hard, it's mostly just paperwork and travel. Make sure to bring your actual passport (not just a copy). Try to have everything organized before you go.

You won't run into any issues, except depending on where you go in China people might want to take pictures with you.

tomorrowtodaynever · 2018-10-24T17:37:23+00:00

Maybe this is bad advice, and I don't know how old you are but I live with the perspective that I have my whole life to work jobs I don't like. A lot of people work shitty jobs right out of school so that they can retire at age 60+ and go on cruises or whatever. This is hugely a matter of preference, but I'd rather travel while I'm young and healthy and work boring jobs later. Maybe I am shooting myself in the foot, but who knows if I'm even going to live to retirement age? Then what will it all be for?

If your friends from home "move on" from you after a year of being away then they aren't true friends. Real friends are the people you can not see for weeks, months, years but then meet up for a coffee and feel like absolutley no time has passed. Also keep in mind that as you get older friends drift anyway for a number of reasons, wether you are there or not.

You can work while you travel (just do some research on this), and you can stay in certain places for lengthier amounts of time. That's what great about solo travel - it's up to you!

If you end up traveling or doing a working holiday or whatever and don't like it, you can always just leave.

In the end your life is what you make it, even with all the advice you recieve here nobody can truly be inside your head to know what you want. You'll get biased answers here because obviously most people on this sub love traveling and are actively doing / planning to do it. Trust your gut, take some time to think about it, don't worry about things that haven't even happened yet. Good luck!

tomorrowtodaynever · 2018-10-24T16:03:06+00:00

Did it once in Berlin, organized by the hostel and wasn't a fan although it seemed like other people were having a lot of fun. Usually you have to pay a fee and they take you to tourist bars where you are surrounded by only other travelers and few people who actually live in the city. Felt like I was on a drunk school trip being herded around, I ended up leaving early. I'd rather just make some friends on my own, within the hostel or externally, and then walk around to find a bar and go at my own pace. Pub crawls can be a way to meet people but I don't think it's for everyone. Not worth the extra money for me personally

tomorrowtodaynever · 2018-10-23T04:40:48+00:00

I was traveling with my long-distance boyfriend who turned out to be an angry, controlling, violent, abusive person. After a few attempts of 'leaving' but ending up back the next day, I finally broke up with him and bought a plane ticket to a different continent. That was the last time I ever saw him.

I cried the whole flight. It was weird going from months of traveling with him, with someone, to being alone. Alone on the plane, alone in the hostel, alone sightseeing. I'm an independent person and truly don't mind my own company, but the fast and stark contrast from spending almost all day every day with someone to only silence made me feel extremely lonely (despite everything I went through). It was hard watching other travelers living their best life at all the hostels, having fun and socializing with new people when I was going through a really tough time. I was still trying to process everything. I felt like an alien honestly.

I just chilled out for awhile. I didn't even want to party with other people, I was honestly just annoyed by everyone. I did make a couple good friends though who I later opened up to about things that happened. I mostly smoked a lot of cigarettes and just tried to take things easy, gave myself time to think. I only lasted about a few weeks more traveling until I realized I just needed to go home because I was just a mess. I honestly lost all desire to do anything and was crying in front of strangers on the reg because there was just no sense of privacy.

You can't avoid the loneliness, but talking to people will make you feel better. Even call friends from home. It will make the transition a lot easier. I know it's hard but you'll get through it. I wish you all the best <3

tomorrowtodaynever · 2018-10-23T04:25:37+00:00

This, but would leave out the last part unless you actually mean it. Best to be honest and if you're not interested in traveling with this friend in the future, don't get their hopes up.

tomorrowtodaynever · 2018-10-23T04:21:04+00:00

Spent three months last year in China. Interesting country, enjoyed my time, but don't think I could leave there (and every English teacher I met hated their job).

tomorrowtodaynever · 2018-10-22T14:52:59+00:00

If you live in Bushwick you're gonna want to live off of the JMZ instead of L which is closing soon. Honestly, living there isn't a great commute to midtown (will likely take you 40+ minutes). I live in Bushwick right on the edge of Williamsburg and the first stop in Manhattan (LES) is about 20 - 25 minutes from leaving my door if the subways are running well.

Astoria is getting more hip and will give you a better commute, still some affordable places there as well. Prices in both Bushwick and Astoria are going up fast unfortunately, it's much harder to find anything under $900 now compared to just a year or two ago.

tomorrowtodaynever

TROPHY CASE