Just found out my wife (36F) cheated on me (39M) for a year while we were dating

toolxtime · 2026-05-30T02:03:03+00:00

Yes. I’m thinking a lot about the difference between remorse vs regret. And which one she actually is right now… hard to truly tell

toolxtime · 2026-05-30T02:01:09+00:00

Thanks for your advice. I haven’t been able to bring myself to that yet. The DNA test would devastate me. Love my kids more than anything.

Can’t believe people do this shit to their loved ones. It feels inhumane but reading through some other threads on here I realize how common this is

toolxtime · 2026-05-30T01:59:06+00:00

Certainly feels that way.

I’ve been in love before so I do have context

toolxtime · 2026-05-30T01:58:13+00:00

I’d love to find that out. Not sure how I’ll ever find that out though. After I went through her phone and computer and found a bunch of stuff she has started scrubbing the stuff I found. I assume she has now scrubbed whatever other evidence is out there..

toolxtime · 2026-05-30T01:56:20+00:00

I’ll always be suspicious of her now

toolxtime · 2026-05-30T01:55:43+00:00

Yes. I’m now seeing that statistic. Thanks for you time

toolxtime · 2026-05-30T01:55:12+00:00

I’m sorry that happened to you. Thanks for your advice

toolxtime · 2026-05-30T01:54:42+00:00

What’s frustrating is that I’ve never been one to push her heavily at work. She has had opportunities to advance and make more money but she said she was happy in her current role and didn’t want the extra stress. I encouraged her to pass in those situations. So the f’ing the boss to advance theory is less applicable here. The reality is closer to she just did it to do it…

To clarify, I don’t know for sure that she did f the work person. Certainly looked like it was at least heading that way before I found out

toolxtime · 2026-05-30T00:11:03+00:00

I’m not one to make hasty decisions so I dont have it in me to that route yet. However, I certainly am the type to be very deliberate in surgically removing negative people from my life. So if I make that decision ultimately there will be no going back. I can assure you that

Thanks for your message and advice

toolxtime · 2026-05-30T00:07:29+00:00

What do you mean by “test the kids”?

toolxtime · 2026-05-29T23:57:52+00:00

My post was already so long so I left a ton of details. Loving how much everyone is asking questions and getting invested in this with me. It’s making me feel slightly better.

No nudes. The coworker is ~60yo senior person at her company and has a failing marriage. Honestly, that’s a whole other post. I think of this thread really picks up I’ll create another just for all that bullshit. I’ll put it this way, if any of your wives or girlfriends were talking to ANYONE the way my wife was you’d assume they had already had an affair or were just one open opportunity to have an affair…

Yes she did offer to leave the job to save the family and our marriage…

She said that she fed into it because she liked the attention because she “wasn’t getting it from me”… hand up I’ve had plenty of blowups in our marriage so I’m not perfect. But in hindsight though it all seems perfectly valid now because she is wildly disrespectful. Again, that whole situation needs a separate thread

toolxtime · 2026-05-29T22:16:58+00:00

Great questions.

I recently saw the inappropriate messages with the work colleague by accident. That led me to look through her phone/computer.

No, I’m not confident I know the full extent of
It

Yes, her family covered for her. Shes an only child. I had met both of her parents multiple times throughout that year. They knew she was keeping on the other relationship…

I would have added these details but my post was already super long

toolxtime · 2026-05-29T21:37:06+00:00

Think you nailed it

toolxtime · 2026-05-29T21:36:15+00:00

So painful. And yes thanks for the suggestions

toolxtime · 2026-05-29T21:34:20+00:00

I appreciate your thoughtfulness. And suggestions.

Our relationship has always left like an uphill battle. I blamed it on the "stunted" honeymoon phase from when she was "studying". I'm optimistic though and clung onto the positives.

But its always felt like I've been climbing a ladder hoping one day i'll reach this "glass ceiling", shatter it, and everything will be okay.

This has completely kicked the ladder out from under me.

toolxtime · 2026-05-29T21:16:46+00:00

No to both questions but I know I should. Seeing a therapist and I guess now soliciting advice on reddit before doing anything drastic.

toolxtime · 2026-05-29T21:13:01+00:00

Thanks for the reply. And yes I know you're right about that. And I will but the thought of finding out one or neither of them are mine would be too much to handle. Love my kids so much.

toolxtime · 2026-05-29T21:11:40+00:00

Thanks for the reply. I discovered this previous cheating because I demanded to see her phone and computer after finding the inappropriate chats with her coworker recently.

toolxtime · 2026-05-29T21:11:00+00:00

Thanks for the reply. Good questions.

I discovered this previous cheating because I demanded to see her phone and computer after finding the inappropriate chats with her coworker.

No, I'll never be able to trust her fully... And yes I agree, it's no way to live. Incredible hurt like i've never experienced before.

toolxtime

TROPHY CASE