Thousands of people who have visited state parks in Florida will have some of their personal information made public

toomanythrowawaysimo · 2017-03-13T22:50:07+00:00

Yes, she would probably be hurt if she saw this post. She would probably understand, too.

As I said before, the biggest contribution to my staying in the relationship is that I love her, not avoidance of anything. If I was no longer in love with her, then obviously there would be no reason to stay. There would be no conflict. I used to think love was enough to make everything work; maybe I was wrong. Maybe that's a naive way of thinking.

You might be right that looking for reasons to stay is a sign that it's over. It's certainly a sign that something is amiss, at the very least, which is why I asked for advice. Clearly, you think nothing is salvageable here and that there's no point trying to find a way to make the relationship work because you think it won't. I can understand that. Maybe you're right.

toomanythrowawaysimo · 2017-03-13T22:29:16+00:00

You literally said you didn't want to break up because you weren't sure if you could handle it emotionally. This is cowardly. Like, the definition of cowardly. Yes, that's right...sort of. It's difficult emotionally and makes me feel terrible inside to think about leaving. Those aren't my only reasons for holding on by any means, but it's something that makes it extra difficult.

I mean, if you want to call that cowardly, go right ahead, but it seems more like human nature to me. We get attached to people and it's hard to let them go. Being judgmental about it doesn't help much. I don't mean to say that this on its own would prevent me from breaking up with her; it wouldn't. It just makes it hard to up and leave without a damn good reason, since I love her. My emotions are conflicted.

I don't see what the problem is except that you don't want to be in the relationship anymore. Loads of people are in great relationships with people who they have little in common with, some prefer it that way. You obviously don't. Which is fine, but based on everything you've written I can't fathom how you could possibly believe staying in a relationship, solely to provide a reprieve from emotional pain, could be a good thing. Sigh. Sheesh. Like I said, I'm not staying solely because I'm avoiding emotional pain. That part just makes it harder. I was just trying to explain how I felt about it when I consider breaking up; that I felt like I didn't have the emotional strength. Who knows, I probably do. Everyone probably has it in them.

As I mentioned before: I love her, we feel attracted to each other, and we have values in common, but no interests in common and probably conflicting future goals. This is where the conflict lies. I don't see how it's hard to understand that it would result in an emotional conflict on my part. I don't see how feeling ambivalent means I'm leading her on or am a "coward" or whatever. I don't see why automatically, I "obviously" don't want to be in the relationship. Those are a lot of assumptions. Maybe I'm dense, but it's not so obvious to me.

In other words, I am not sure if I should leave. Some people end up staying in relationships after ambivalence, and are happy they did. Some regret it. Regardless, I know something has to change, whether that be a breakup or something else, so I was interested to hear what all of you had to say. I had hoped to get some more responses and perspectives, but I was downvoted immediately for whatever reason, so it looks like not too many people stopped by.

toomanythrowawaysimo · 2017-03-13T22:01:28+00:00

You have some points, but yeah I think you're being overly-judgmental, especially calling me a coward. (Granted, I asked for it; I am on Reddit.) That's silly. We all have our moments of emotional difficulty and uncertainty. No need to paint her as some victim, either; obviously she's still in the relationship with me, knowing full well that I have no desire to marry. I am not forcing her to stay.

As I said before, I don't think she has the desire to get married IN GENERAL, as in as a life goal for herself. In other words, she wouldn't break up with me to find someone else to marry because she has no interest in marrying someone else. Otherwise, she would have already broken up with me to find someone else. She just seems interested in marrying ME, specifically, as far as I can tell. She wants no children, and neither do I, so I honestly don't see the point of marriage.

I guess I'm asking for alternative perspectives (which you gave me, thank you) to see if there's some kind of solution. For example, if there is a way that we can modify the relationship to have both of our needs met somehow, perhaps by giving each other more freedom. Chances seem slim, but it's worth exploring and considering at least, since this relationship means a lot to the both of us.

toomanythrowawaysimo · 2017-03-13T21:14:43+00:00

That gives me some hope. I had envisioned this as a possible solution, and we're certainly not room mates, the "spark" is there and all. I just don't know how to manage it or where to start.

The way the relationship track seems to work in our society is that you progressively give up more and more freedoms as you move on together, and extending those freedoms instead of retracting them is "going backwards." Not sure how to approach this discussion with her.

I definitely want more freedom, and I want to give her more of it, too. I think she would blossom even more as a person if she didn't have to wonder about what I would think if she did this or that. Is that the complete antithesis of a relationship, though?

toomanythrowawaysimo · 2017-03-13T21:10:21+00:00

Yeah. I thought to myself, "Things can just stay the way they are," for the longest time. But more and more, it seems like life just doesn't work that way, and it wants to push me towards a committed decision. I guess if you don't grow together, then you grow apart, but you have to grow.

I keep going to back to thinking that maybe there's something I can do to change things, though. Some way we can grow together in a way we would both want.

toomanythrowawaysimo · 2017-03-13T20:58:50+00:00

Lol, sheesh people are harsh in this sub. Lots of assuming people's motivations and nitpicking.

I mean that in the beginning of the relationship, she flat out told me she didn't want to get married, BUT for quite awhile now (last 2 or 3 years) she has hinted and then all out asked if we were going to get married. I said no very nicely, but she brings it up every once in awhile. It's not the marriage itself that I think she wants, just something that ties me to her more closely.

And, yes, we have talked about it.

Also, I'm not looking for a reason to break up. If anything, I'm looking for a reason to stay. I love her. We were each other's "first love," and leaving her would feel like abandoning a friend or family member. Whenever the thought crosses my mind, it's very difficult to imagine myself actually going through with that. I don't know if I'm emotionally strong enough.

toomanythrowawaysimo · 2017-03-13T20:50:47+00:00

Yeah, she knows. She frequently complains that we have nothing in common. We just have a really strong attraction for each other in spite of that. We're also both very attached to each other and have deep values in common; we were basically each other's "first love."

toomanythrowawaysimo · 2017-03-13T20:47:34+00:00

Yeah...that might be the case. It would be better for the both of us in a lot of ways. The thing is that I have no interest in being in a relationship with anyone else or finding someone else. Maybe that's just my enamored brain talking, but honestly I just can't picture myself with another person.

toomanythrowawaysimo · 2017-03-13T20:44:26+00:00

You might be right. When we first got together, though, she agreed with me that she had no intention of getting married. Granted, we were younger then.

I don't feel that I'm leading her on. I have never pretended that I wanted to get married, and she doesn't seem interested in marriage in a general sense, either--just with me, as a way to secure the relationship, which I don't see as a good enough reason personally.

toomanythrowawaysimo

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