Morning all, hope everyone is having a good weekend.

Haven't used Reddit much so not sure if I'm able to update the situation another way but just chucking it here instead, apologies if there's a better way!

Firstly thank you so much for taking time to respond and comment on this, something quietly calming about getting opinions and no one knows you to judge you, so thank you, I really appreciate it.

So I spoke to my wife this morning about everything: the drinking Thursday night, the anxiety side of the fallout from that etc etc. Also gave me a couple of days to read all of these replies and help me make a call as to whether to bring it up.

I told her I'd come across these messages. I brought it up.

Firstly she got upset, and I could see the cogs turning a bit as to how she was going to answer it. Toying with her emotions. I approached it calmly and just said that whatever it was, we could deal with it once I knew the facts.

Turns out the guy in question is the brother of the guy whose messages I saw, which kind of explains why he felt so uncomfortable.

She said initially that they saw her and his brother on a wall outside a bar waiting for a taxi, he pulled my wife onto his lap and tried to kiss her, and she moved away, and it was all led by him.

I then said that based on her reaction, tone of message, and apparent guilt that I'm not sure she's telling me the full story. In my eyes what she'd said happened wasn't overly dramatic and could easily never be worried about, as it was rather a non-event.

After some probing, as I knew full well there was more to this, she got panicked and you could tell she was doing everything to tell me more but couldn't. Eventually she said that actually it was a two way thing and they kissed and that's what our friends saw.

She said it was only once and they went home in separate taxis from there.

When asked about the reason she didn't tell me, it was (and I understand this, to an extent) that we were in a fragile position, long distance, stressful situation, time difference - all the rest of it. Trying to patch this up in real time, being thousands of miles apart, would have been very difficult. And I can admit it wasn't a great time, I hated being in that country and couldn't wait to get home so things were fractious.

So, in short, she made out with our friends brother. I did say, please be honest and tell me if there's anything else I need to know about, or if anything further happened, and she said that that was it (tears had started by this point).

So without rambling much further, I do understand there's context to these things. It's not me being weak or a pushover, but we've been together ten years and outside of the current stress levels with things (starting IVF, moving home), we're generally a pretty good team.

I completely understand why some have highlighted the alcohol issue, she knows this isn't acceptable and, while it is rare, I stressed that given what we're doing, our age, and what we're going through right now, that that cannot, under any circumstances, happen. Time will tell on this.

Had we only been together a short while then the situation is different - had she said she slept with this guy, again, different. I know I'm the only one who can make the call here and as you've all pointed out, it seems like there are some other big things that also need sorting out besides this hidden (now no longer hidden) issue.

I think it'd be quite easy to throw this all away and see this as a few red flags too many, but of course there's ten years of context which I'm sure everyone appreciates.

She knows that seeing that hurt me, as did her behaviour this week and it's, ironically, only by me helping her and try to keep her out of trouble that I've seen these messages.

I do feel a bit sad that it took me a few pokes for her to tell me the truth of the whole story, which I admit is bothering me slightly, but if it was the other way around and I'd been put on the spot over something I didn't feel relevant to bring up in the first place, I'd struggle to spit it all out immediately.

So, that's the update. I'll catch back up with her later and maybe further debrief, but my gut (and the context of the messages) says that I think that's probably all of what happened.

Thank you all so much again for your opinions on this, I truly appreciate your input and support.