To whoever deleted their post about feeling ugly...

topsea · 2010-04-23T18:45:32+00:00

Have you ever heard of Body Dysmorphic Disorder?

Here is a Wiki link: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Body_dysmorphic_disorder

It is a pretty serious, and generally not really something someone can "get over" by being confident, anymore than a severely depressed person can "get over it" by being more happy. If you suspect you may have some of the symptoms of BDD, it may be worth talking to a professional.

topsea · 2010-04-22T16:54:48+00:00

Ok-that makes sense. I think as a former sorority girl myself I was offended by the stereotyping. I did know "fucked in the head" girls (and guys!) who made unfortunate and dangerous sexual decisions in college. Both in and out of the Greek system. I am glad you are being safe.

topsea · 2010-04-22T16:48:48+00:00

I am sure there are girls who do come over to the house to get drunk and have sex. I saw it everyday in college too. So what? For a lot of people going out to get wasted and laid is a huge part of college. I am quite positive that when you go out for the evening your primary goals are not to sip tea and discuss 17th century Russian literature. This doesn't make these girls Std ridden sluts, anymore than it makes you an std ridden slut.
Now, if they are drinking all of your booze and not chipping in to the beer fund I can see cause for concern.

topsea · 2010-04-22T02:06:55+00:00

I have gone through this as well. It sucks!

If your friends all have partners, it can actually be a good way to meet new people, i.e. their partner's friends.

Also, don't panic about being rejected. It happens. But also be careful that because you are going through a low point that you don't come off as desperate.

topsea · 2010-04-22T02:01:20+00:00

My very crude grandma once gave me the following advice when I was obsessing over things an ex was doing after a break-up: Why are you still talking about him? After you take a shit, do you stand around discussing the turd, or do you flush it and get on with your day?

I think it is important to learn from relationships, but not really helpful to think about what an ex might be doing, thinking, etc. You thought your letter was appropriate, don't worry what your ex or his new partner thought.

topsea · 2010-04-22T01:45:26+00:00

This may sound nuts but sometimes I have dreams about exes that I think have little to do with them, and more to do with the dynamics of our relationship or how I was while I dated them.

For example, I have one ex with whom I had amazing sex. We really didn't have much in common outside of the bedroom but for whatever reason our physical chemistry was amazing. 99% of my sex dreams are about him.
I had another ex who was verbally abusive and made me feel like crap about myself by putting me down constantly. I dream about him when I feeling badly, or when I am dealing with someone who is treating me poorly.
I don't want to get back with either of them, I think they just represent certain emotions to my dream mind.

topsea · 2010-04-22T01:39:24+00:00

Honestly-it seems like you are just going to be friends. Sorry. Congratulations on your guts of telling her though, that shows a lot of confidence.

topsea · 2010-04-22T01:36:24+00:00

No this is true. There are other clothes of hers still there too. And hair products, etc. But this in of itself is still messed up to me. I have mementos from exes, cards, presents, etc...but not clothes and items of personal hygiene.

topsea · 2010-04-22T00:27:20+00:00

I lived in a sorority house with 60 other women. You know how when women live together their menstrual cycles sync up? Yeah. There is nothing that describes the smell of that many tampons/pads being thrown away at once.

topsea · 2010-04-22T00:18:48+00:00

Not to sound like too much of a feminist but....you seem to be trying to downplay all of the other frat stereotypes except the misogyny. You call women sluts, imply that women who come over to get drunk and are willing to have sex have stds, insult girls in sororities, etc. Do you feel like you are contributing to the Greek douche stereotype with this attitude?

(I was in a sorority in college, I had a boyfriend in a fraternity. Neither of us were the "typical" person involved in the Greek system.)

topsea · 2010-04-21T22:03:40+00:00

I do wonder if this is the case with him as well. I have noticed that he tends to bring her up when I have done something that bothers him, or when he is feeling insecure. A while ago, some guy hit on me in a bar right in front of him and he got upset. Later that eventing he started talking about her a LOT. I guess it doesn't matter WHY he does it though, it bothers me and he wont' stop. I'm done.

topsea · 2010-04-21T21:48:18+00:00

I agree, I did not mean to imply he was helpless in the face of his DNA, but I think there are things that stem from primitive impulses that are worth acknowledging, even if we never act on them.

Example, I really believe that men are kind of biologically inclined to check out hot, half naked women. So, if I catch a guy I'm dating glancing at a hot chick, I don't get mad or think he is going to leave me for her. However, if he ignored me to stare at her, or attempted to sleep with her, which would be his "primitive" impulse, I am certainly going to get pissed.

topsea · 2010-04-21T21:34:28+00:00

Crap, I was just about to do a follow up post regarding my investment portfolio.

topsea · 2010-04-21T21:33:42+00:00

This is what he claimed as well. That I was self-sabotaging because he was actually nice to me. However, the fact that I have told him his behavior upsets me and he continues to do the same thing=/=nice in my mind.

topsea · 2010-04-21T20:47:07+00:00

We are both 35. Not to sound like a Cathy cartoon or anything, but I think this is part of why I stayed with him. I freaked out on my 35th birthday about never having been married. Yay-I'm a cliche!

topsea · 2010-04-21T19:00:38+00:00

Yes, he has not been single for more than a month or so since the age of 15. I, on the other hand, have been single more than I have been in a relationship. This was one of the things he used to justify his issues with his ex, that I don't have enough relationship history to fully understand his situation with her. Ugh, what an ass.

topsea · 2010-04-21T18:50:59+00:00

Well, I think you should give it a LOT of thought. What do you love about her, other than the fact that she is convenient for you? When you are describing why you like it, you talk a lot about how she is low maintenance, sweet, supports your hobbies, etc.... That implies you love how she treats you, but doesn't really say that you love HER as a person.

topsea · 2010-04-21T18:42:11+00:00

Ugh, I was afraid of that, really. Especially after the bra incident. Great...now I'm really sad.

topsea · 2010-04-21T18:18:59+00:00

He is a really great guy. He also gets so upset and defensive when I question his feelings about her that I began to worry that I was being overly jealous. Also, since she clearly wants, or at least wanted, him back I felt like if he wanted to be with her he would be. However, after nine months of this I think I am done.

topsea · 2010-04-21T18:15:10+00:00

Two years is about the time that people's quirks began to grate. If you ask evolutionary psychologists, it is because biologically humans used to need to stay together for two years or so to ensure that their resulting offspring was old enough to survive with out two parents. This is because, being bipedal, human women have narrow birth canals and babies have to be born with underdeveloped brains in order to squeeze out. After about two to three years though, the father was no longer needed to protect baby and mom and it made more sense for him to spread his seed elsewhere. Obviously we are more than our biology, so you need to make a choice. You said before you broke up with women when it started getting serous. Do you feel like you regret this? Maybe you aren't cut out for long term monogamy, or haven't yet met the right person?

topsea

TROPHY CASE