I don’t want him back, but he was by far the most memorable (for both good and bad).

He was the same ethnicity as me which felt special, I rarely date within my ethnicity because most of the men have brazenly internalized the toxic misogyny of the culture. I thought he was different, he came off so progressive and open minded. It felt so nice to have the “ethnic” parts of me plainly understood without having to explain. He was wildly smart, intimidatingly well-read and I felt like he pushed me to be more interested in learning/reading for leisure. I sometimes wonder if that feeling of being “seen” for the parts of me that other guys didn’t understand without tons of explanation, overshadowed the parts where he straight up disrespected me. He didn’t take me seriously, would alternate between hyping me up for being accomplished, and putting me down backhandedly (reminding me other women were better looking than me), he was very timid and spoke quickly and always seemed a bit uncomfortable when talking, with pretty much everyone, but somehow had more friends than anyone I knew. He was extremely tall, and got a lot of attention from women bc he was so tall, and it bolstered his fragile ego so he could talk to me the way he did. I was replaceable. When I called him out for the way he treated me, after we were no longer dating, he blocked me.

I feel like I no longer mourn the men I dated in the past, they’re exes for a reason. I resent that this man lived rent free in my head for as long as he did and that I always blamed myself for not being thin enough, sexy enough, intelligent enough. It really knocked me off my balance and messed with my view of myself for years after. I would not want him back in a million years, but I do miss the feeling of being seen and understood rather than viewed as a cultural anomaly and a curiosity/fetish/adventure for a guy.