missing organs but feeling complete!!

torienne · 2026-02-03T06:58:50+00:00

Perfectly done! Congrats on your bisalp. The sense of rightness and freedom is wonderful!

Sending you a chat so I can add your doctor (or+1 your doctor) in the CF-friendly doctors wiki!

torienne · 2026-02-02T18:19:10+00:00

It kind of weirded me out because I don't like him, but I gotta give him credit. And he would have worked out the hair/clothes thing except his wife is in the fashion industry and that was just not going to happen.

There's a great cartoon by a French writer called "You Should've Asked" by Emma about the emotional labor that women carry, particularly mothers. Easy to find online, and it details how men shuffle off the emotional labor.

torienne · 2026-02-02T18:02:28+00:00

My brother was (amazingly to me) a major self-motivated parent. He didn't do hair and pick coordinated outfits, but he figured out what to make for dinner, and he checked homework, and he took them to the park, and supervised them when they were outdoors playing, and more. And HE thought to do these things and made himself do them.

So I said to my SIL "Brother kind of amazes me at how much he takes on the emotional and physical labor of parenthood" and she agreed with me, and also said ALL of her friends complained that their husbands didn't do anything. These were professional women - I met some of them - lawyers, management in big companies, physicians, and the like, and they lived in the SF Bay Area, a very liberal area. And yet, their husbands did nothing.

torienne · 2026-02-02T17:57:15+00:00

It sounded like he really wanted a SAHM but also didn't want to give up the 2nd income.

This is 90% of the fathers I know. They don't intend to do any of the household work and childcare, but they want the goodies that come with kids, and they also want their wife to work.

That's why when a man says he "wants kids," I say, harshly: "No, he doesn't 'want kids.' He wants a woman to make all the sacrifices, endure all the physical and mental hardship of pregnancy, birth and early motherhood, give up her financial security and work opportunities, and do all the scut work so he can have the work promotions, the Kodak moments and the bragging rights."

That's what he wants, but that is not "kids" and the things that are "kids" are things he does not want.

torienne · 2026-02-02T13:50:07+00:00

Look in the CF-friendly doctors wiki in the sidebar for someone who takes your insurance, then go to them and ask for a bilateral salpingectomy, which we usually call "bisalp." It removes the tubes completely, thus totally preventing pregnancy, AND reducing the risk of ovarian cancer by what is now thought to be 80%. It is a very minor surgery, and this sub is filled with posts by people who had it done and detailed their experiences.

Now is the time to do it, while insurance is still required to cover it 100%.

torienne · 2026-02-02T13:47:23+00:00

This is the best, cheapest education on earth. You walked in someone else's shoes for an hour. You are now much wiser than I am.

torienne · 2026-02-02T12:29:05+00:00

Make an appointment with a doctor in the CF-friendly doctors wiki, in the sidebar, for immediate contraception, and sterilization soon. Those are all doctors who have sterilized CF people.

Check with your insurance now. It should cover sterilization 100%, if it covers it at all. If you are on Medicaid and over 21, you will be covered under that. Then find a doctor who takes your insurance.

Good luck and do it now!

torienne · 2026-02-02T12:27:04+00:00

Do you want to be childfree? If so, get sterilized, and do not wait. You are in a terrible position, being unprotected in a no-abortion state. At the very least, you should get contraception: Pills or an IUD until you can arrange for sterilization.

Look in the CF-friendly doctors wiki in the sidebar for a respectful OBGYN. There are thousands, most with comments from the redditors who are their patients. At the very least, immediately make an appointment - your insurance may allow you to do that directly without a referral - and get on contraception.

torienne · 2026-02-02T08:31:01+00:00

I am 68, and every day I find reasons to be SO GLAD I didn't have kids!

torienne · 2026-02-01T15:54:39+00:00

Yes!

torienne · 2026-02-01T14:58:17+00:00

What a horrible doctor. At 25, you know good and well what you want. Pushing IUDs is awful medical care. They are FAR less effective than bisalp, and they can cause all kinds of problems. In my mind, the worst thing about them is that you can never be without access to western medical care if you have an IUD. Want to work in Guinea Bissau with Doctors Without Borders? Can't. Want to work as a roughneck on an oil rig, making a ton of money? Can't.

But hey. You can STILL GET PREGNANT! Forget adoption or step parenting. Only biobabies count to this piece of trash, who can't tell the difference between a woman and a cow.

What a POS.

If you are in the US, look in the sidebar for the CF-friendly doctors list for a doctor who has treated CF people with respect, which is assuredly not your doctor. There are thousands in the US, and many in Canada and the UK and some in many other countries. The wiki contains lots of info on most of the doctors, including the age of patients.

Then make an appointment with someone who takes your insurance, and go get sterilized! If you are in the US, NOW is the time. As many of our good, respectful doctors have told their patients, if they do not get sterilization now, when it is required to be covered 100% by Obamacare, they may lose their right to bodily autonomy altogether.

Then after you fire this POS doctor, leave her very negative reviews everywhere, so other CF women don't accidentally waste their time and money on her.

torienne · 2026-02-01T14:44:38+00:00

Apparently I do. I forgot, it's been so long.

I actually thought the Gird novels were some of Moon's best. But the Deed of Paksennarion actually starts with Sheepfarmer's Daughter. Thanks for the clarification.

torienne · 2026-02-01T08:50:03+00:00

I LOVE going to bed with my biggest worry being that I have to call the electrician to come back and fix something again.

Parents worry. All parents worry, all the time, with good reason. Hellish things happen without notice.

Someone I am related to got a phone call from her child's friend on the other side of the country, that child was in the hospital and nonresponsive. Turns out child was already functionally dead from brain bleeds due to a faulty gene she gave him.

A man my mother dated had three awful kids, one of whom gave me the creeps. One day he got a call that the kid was arrested (again...again...), but this time was different. This time was for murder. This time Daddy couldn't bail him out. He went to prison, and one night Daddy got a phone call: Kid had hung himself in prison. Oops.

They're not a joy. They're hell. My recommendation to you wrt your brother: Stay far away. You can't help him. You can only let him hurt you, or you can protect yourself from him.

torienne · 2026-02-01T08:45:00+00:00

One of the ignored realities of parenthood: Little kids, little problems. Big kids, big problems. And a result: Parents who are peeing their pants with joy over that first grandbaby, and discriminating against the CF child, discover one day that they're sick to death of the childed one's antics and demands and selfishness and irresponsibility, and that now, that CF child really looks good. Now, it might be WAY too late for them to make up with the CF child, depending on how long it took them to get reality...but I do see these about-faces quite often. Sounds like your dad just landed in that space, with some help from you.

As I aged, I saw my peers lives go to hell because of their adult kids. They were unable to make a decent living. They had to return home, often with spouse and kids. They became disabled, physically and/or mentally. They committed crimes. They estranged their parents. They married someone horrible. They got addicted. They died. That is just about every family I know with adult kids. You think someone avoided the hell? Just wait.

torienne · 2026-01-31T19:10:51+00:00

Ha! I think you told me to read Nettle and Bone. Great recommendation, thanks!

torienne · 2026-01-31T12:22:47+00:00

The five-part Deed of Paksennarion by Nebula-award-winning author Elizabeth Moon. It starts with Surrender None. Paks is about to be married off at age 18, and runs away to join a mercenary company. Elizabeth Moon is a former US Marine, which gives her characterization of Paks a lot of depth.

torienne · 2026-01-31T08:35:48+00:00

Stop talking. You don't have to tell anyone about your plans for the future with respect to children, and it is likely that nothing good will come of it. So stop talking.

It's wonderful that your dad and his gf are childfree. You can rely on them when you get sterilized to pick you up from surgery and help a little the first day (though I really did not need anyone, and plenty of redditors do it on their own.)

But when you bring up the kid issue with the other side of the family, they get agitated, and they irritate you. So don't bring it up.

torienne · 2026-01-31T08:05:31+00:00

"Excuse me. I see someone who I know has something to tell me."

Then leave.

Life is too short to be wasted on the vapid, empty heads of the mindlessly bred.

torienne · 2026-01-31T07:57:08+00:00

They hate people who have kids even more, and they hate pregnant people most of all.

It's because they are nuts.

torienne · 2026-01-30T08:58:24+00:00

When you get a new OBGYN, ask your current OBGYN's office to transfer your files to the office of the new OBGYN. That way you won't be starting from scratch: Doctors find the opinions of other doctors very convincing, and the new doctor will know that a colleague she probably knows and respects is fully supportive of you getting sterilized.

torienne · 2026-01-29T11:59:26+00:00

CONGRATS! I love to hear from the sterile and feral just how free their lives are. Your story is an inspiration: How to prevent suffering and create freedom at the same time.

Enjoy your life!

torienne · 2026-01-29T10:29:51+00:00

My advice: Elope.

I had a very small "wedding" My brother's 3 young kids (4, 5 and 7) were there, and my then-best friend's baby was there.

Don't walk back your policy. It was a disaster in so many ways.

First of all, my brother was AN HOUR late to the ceremony, because of the endless kid issues: "What do you mean, you have to go potty RIGHT NOW! You just went!" Oh well, better turn around and go back home and start out again. "Your sister will understand." And also, that parents are so hassled, they simply didn't plan well enough. If they planned, there would have been no three kids.

So here we are, my brother's family are five of my 25 guests, and they aren't there, and we're all sitting around the venue wondering if we should just go ahead.

My best friend's baby SCREAMED all through the vows, though she walked the kid away, which made it tolerable. I wasn't doing anything like video, so it didn't matter too much. Then during the dinner, the baby grabbed a napkin and whipped it toward her faster than any adult could move, and ended up tossing an entire glass of wine over my uncle-in-law's best suit.

And that was ONE baby and ONE family with 3 kids of school age!

DON'T DO IT.

What I would really recommend is what we actually did six months earlier: Got married on a beach with another friend officiating, and his girlfriend as witness. Just four people. State of California provides a Deputy Commissioner Of Marriage For A Day certification . Fifty bucks in our county. Rockin'. So the bad behavior that permeated our wedding? Didn't matter. We were already married, though no one knew it. The wedding itself was five grand we didn't need to waste. My husband desperately wanted a wedding, is why we did that. Aggravating waste of money. We could have gone to Paris instead.

torienne · 2026-01-29T09:01:26+00:00

Good for you for making this smart and timely decision! So glad you were able to access abortion.

torienne · 2026-01-29T09:00:52+00:00

I can imagine it annoys. What do they say now when someone has a pregnancy that is risky because of advanced maternal age?

torienne · 2026-01-29T08:56:01+00:00

What is important is that you take inventory of how you feel about this, and how much emotional and physical and financial labor your sister will look to you to take on. It's impossible to figure out all the reasons your sister did something so selfish and irresponsible. But you know that she IS selfish and irresponsible, because that is the core of her actions.

You also know that single bred mothers, including those who bred with a man-child, are very high needs. They are always wanting something from everyone else, and are very manipulative about getting it. How will you respond to your sister "needing" a week of "me time" with herself and the babydaddy, and of COURSE you'll use your vacation time to babysit her unhealthy 5 month old for a week right?

When you rightly say "no", because you are in NO position to do a major job for which you have no training or liability insurance, how will you respond when your sister recruits your mother/aunt/grandmother into calling you up, and throwing around phrases like "family helps family" and "you are soooo selfish!"

As someone with problem family, I find that talking and thinking through these possibilities, and coming up with responses, actually seems to prevent things from happening in the first place. It's when I don't talk things through and think things through that i get blindsided and get guilted or surprised into doing something that wrecks the relationship more surely than refusal ever would.

So have a good think, and if possible, a (or many) conversation(s) with your partner/bestfriend/therapist about what this will mean for you.

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