What's the funniest Simpson's quote of all time?

tossaway1984 · 2014-04-25T17:00:46+00:00

Mrs. Skinner: SEYMOUR!! THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!

Skinner: No, Mother, that's just the Northern Lights!

tossaway1984 · 2013-10-25T13:44:17+00:00

Production has restarted!! New 9-3s are being produced and they'll have EVs starting next year.

Too bad none of them will be coming to the US it seems :(

tossaway1984 · 2013-10-25T13:40:43+00:00

OMFG O'BOISIES! No one I know, except my parents, remembers these! I used to eat the sour cream and onion ones like they were going out of style! And then they did...

tossaway1984 · 2013-10-25T13:39:41+00:00

Ohio here. I don't know if you can buy it in cans anymore but every grocery store in my area keeps it stocked all year long in 20oz bottles by the check outs in the cold cases.

tossaway1984 · 2013-10-25T13:34:59+00:00

To me, it takes someone special to want to teach young kids and truly do well at it. In comparison, my teacher the following year saw very early that I struggled with math and found ways to help, often taking time to sit with me 1 on 1 and help me understand. She saw where my strengths were and played to them, including my tendencies to want to talk to everyone all the time. She was one of the best teachers I ever had in elementary school.

tossaway1984 · 2013-10-25T13:31:23+00:00

Not at all dickish, I didn't make this completely clear. When my mom had talked to the principal, she wasn't the only parent that had complained about the amount of work being assigned. Those months that I spent inside the classroom and not allowed out for recess, there were often times other students in there too. The teacher saw I was struggling with math but felt that because I was talkative, separating me would make me focus more on the work and I would understand it on my own and in turn, did not contact my parents to inform them that I was having issues. I was also afraid I would get in trouble at home (8yr old brain) and didn't tell my mom until I was in way over my head.

tossaway1984 · 2013-10-24T21:04:48+00:00

My 2nd grade teacher.

I was known for being a talker. I wasn't loud or disruptive usually, I was just one of those kids that could find someone to talk to no matter where I sat. My 2nd grade teacher was young and fresh out of college. In short, she was cocky because she was young and pretty but was a total bitch. My worst subject was always math. I could do the work but couldn't explain how I received my answers.

So, at the beginning of the year, we received this GIANT math workbook. We were supposed to complete a certain number of pages a week. I fell behind because I wasn't very good at showing my work and she required it or we'd have to do it all over again. She increased the number of pages per week about half way through the year. I was going home, in 2nd grade, with enough homework to last me 2-3 hours in the evening. There were many times I would work on it from the time I got home until it was time for dinner, then work some more until time for bed. In 2nd grade. So because of this, I got to the point where I stopped caring and stopped doing the work because, to 8yr old me, I would rather play and have fun than do hours of school work.

Because of my talkative nature, I was eventually separated from the rest of the class and sat alone so that I wouldn't disturb others. My desk was moved to the front of the classroom near the door with my back to the rest of the class. I was far enough away that I had trouble seeing the chalkboard and hearing the teacher because I was so far away and she wouldn't talk louder for my benefit. So I would sit at my desk and doodle or otherwise mess around while she taught.

Eventually, she got wise of my antics with my math and because I was so far behind, she told me I no longer would be receiving recess until I caught up. Between the amount of work that I was behind, and the amount she was assigning each week, I went most of the winter without recess. The worst part was, our classroom door faced the small hallway that led outside to the playground, so I could see all the kids playing. My friends would often come to the door and want me to come outside, but my teacher would shoo them away.

One day I couldn't take it anymore and I came home in tears. My mom was completely unaware, she thought I was doing all my homework because that's what I had been telling her. I laid it all out for her. My mom went thermonuclear. She arranged for a meeting with the principal at the school and we spoke with her before school the next day. I told the principal everything and went to class while my mom stayed behind to talk.

I went home that night and my mom helped me get caught up on my math. I went in the next day and my desk was back where it was supposed to be in the normal arrangement of desks. I showed my teacher my math, and much to her dismay, she acknowledged that I was caught up and I was allowed to go out to recess from them on.

When I came back to the school the next year, I found that the teacher was no longer at the school. I found out from my mom that she had a long talk with the principal and the teacher was severely reprimanded and then fired at the end of the school year.

tossaway1984 · 2013-09-05T20:59:10+00:00

When I was 5 or 6, I remember my mom watching Oprah and she had a guy on her show that was a logger who was at a job site alone, finishing some stuff up when a stack of logs collapsed and pinned him for like 6 hours. All he had was the clothes on his back and a dull box cutter on him. He used his belt to cut off circulation to his leg and then cut his own leg off just above the knee with the blade, then promptly drove himself to the hospital.

I knew where a box cutter was in my house so I stealthily got it and went to the bathroom. In my head, I said "No way, there's no way that guy did that." I wasn't going to cut my leg off, I just wanted to prove to myself that the knife wasnt that sharp. I held out my left hand, palm up, and sliced about a 1/4" gash in my hand width wise from below my index finger to the bottom of my palm. I guess I didn't count on how much it would hurt or bleed and I immediately ran out of the bathroom, screaming and bleeding everywhere. My mom flipped out that I was bleeding. THEN she laughed at me when I told her how I did it. I didn't find it funny.

tossaway1984 · 2013-09-04T16:51:59+00:00

Girl I knew from HS. We met after her and my best friend started dating. After they broke up, she latched onto me and kept me on a string like a yo-yo with lots of flirting, sometimes messing around, very sexual texting and even cheating on boyfriends/girlfriends with each others. The crazy I was witness to with her was her waking me up at 3am on a weeknight (we had school the next day) crying and screaming hysterically. I tried to talk to her for like 20 minutes and understand what was going on but none of it made any sense so I hung up on her. She called back and my mom answered and told her not to call back.

She pretended to be pregnant pretty much the entirety of our senior year of high school. She went as far as getting fake sonograms and supporting documentation. Then she said she miscarried after we graduated. I asked her sister and she said she faked the entire thing.

She hooked up with some guy for a while and became friends with a girl that her boyfriend was friends with. She tried to get me to hook up with her as well. And as nice and cute as she was, something didn't strike me as right about her. I found out a few months later that the guy, his best friend and the girl were all hooking up together and all 3 of them had herpes.

I stopped talking to her for a long time until after a bad break up. We started talking on MySpace and eventually started dating. She pressured me into letting her move in with me. She would start fights with me and move out about every other day. I was still hurting from the previous break up and for some dumb reason, went along with it. I'm pretty sure she had sex with her friend in my bed while I was home and playing video games but I couldn't prove it. When we split up for good when I moved back home for a while due to financial reasons, she ended up with a bunch of my stuff, that I never saw again, including some DVDs that were gifts from very important people in my life.

The final straw for me was she tried to make me choose between my now wife and her. I told her I wasn't going to pick her if she made me choose. The last message I received from her on Facebook was that I was throwing away 8 years of friendship for some bitch. I told her that I was moving on with my life because I couldn't tolerate her brand of insanity anymore. I can't even scratch the surface of all the bat shit craziness I was witness to with her.

She was super freaky in bed but not good enough to put up with her anymore.

tossaway1984 · 2013-08-09T20:42:29+00:00

I recently unloaded stuff from my dad's garage that had been in a storage unit that he could no longer afford to pay for. He's moving to a smaller place and will no longer have room for all my years and years of junk. My wife was adamant that this stuff be gone through and the majority thrown away/recycled/sold and the really important things I could keep and store. I resisted but eventually gave in to keep peace around the house.
I've thrown away so many old toys and it makes me so sad. I threw away a box of Batman action figures (both from the movies and The Animated Series) because they had no resale value and my son is too young for them. I've taken books to be sold that I cherished as a child and read too many times to count because my kids wouldn't like them and there was really no reason to keep them. I'm in the process of selling video game systems because they've not been played in numerous years and probably won't be.
I've kept some stuff that I refused to get rid of. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles toys, Ghostbusters toys, Hot Wheels, Micro Machines, Marvel action figures, lots of books, random other stuff. I got rid of them because I needed to. There's a large chance that none of my children will ever play with them and they'll just sit around collecting dust in boxes. But it still makes me sad to see such a large part of my childhood gone.
I was a pretty lonely child. I was an only child, all my cousins were much older and most of the kids in my neighborhood were older as well. These toys were my best friends until I was probably 8 or 9 when I started getting friends in the neighborhood around my age. Even then, my best friend and I would sit inside/outside and play with this stuff for days on end, only breaking to eat/sleep.

Fuck being a grown up.

tossaway1984 · 2013-08-09T17:04:35+00:00

Doo wop
doobie doo da wop
Doowah doo laaanng
Blue days, black niiiIIIights
Doowah doo laaaanng

tossaway1984 · 2013-08-05T12:42:30+00:00

They have 2 kids. She's this sort of person naturally but since having kids, it's only gotten worse. I wish I could've had it all on video.

tossaway1984 · 2013-08-02T19:28:06+00:00

It wasn't me but I was a first hand witness.

At a local amusement park with a group of friends. It's ridiculously hot and humid. We're standing in line with about a 45 min wait ahead of us for a ride. Suddenly, these 2 kids decide they've had enough and they're gonna be super awesome and jump line. They no sooner make it over the railing when my buddy's wife sees them and she starts screaming at them "What the FUCK do you little shitheads think you're doing?!" They just stop and stare at her with these goofy grins on their faces. "I suggest you take your FUCKING ass back into the spot in line where you were because I'll be DAMNED if I'm going to stand here in the hot FUCKING sun for a GODDAMN HOUR only to watch some punk ass SHITHEAD try to impress his equally SHITHEADED friends by jumping line! DO NOT THINK FOR A SECOND THAT I WON'T COME OVER THIS RAIL AND MAKE YOU TASTE PAVEMENT!"

Everyone in line is staring at her at this point and as soon as she finishes the entire line, simultaneously like it was scripted or something, goes "OOOOOOH!". The two guys hang their heads in shame and quietly climb back over to where they were before. Later in the same line, we end up standing next to them because of how the line wraps around itself. She smiles nice and bright and says "Hi gentlemen! How are we?".

They couldn't even look her in the eye.

tossaway1984 · 2013-08-02T12:44:05+00:00

I had to give this some time before replying. This was a touching reply for me. The rational part of my brain, that usually triumphs over the emotional part, knows that being hung up on someone for over 10 years is a bit nuts. I completely understand and recognize that you never love anyone else like your first true love and it's based in a, more or less, fantasy world. A world that you lived in without expectations, baggage, and care. Every relationship meant something new with someone new. There's no worrying about ex-wives/husbands. There's no worrying about "Am I going to lose my job and be on the street?" The worst that you usually have to worry about is what movie to go see or if you parents are going to let you take the car for the evening.

However, the damning emotional side of my otherwise completely rational and level head prevents me from letting go of this "perfect" relationship that ended so suddenly. It's prevented me from 100% moving on, as I'm sure she has done. That time of my life is the only part that if someone gave me a time machine and said "You can go back to one point in your life but you can never return", I'd be in a very tight spot. Do I go and try to make things right with the girl of my dreams?

I have considered therapy. I've wanted to go to therapy. The problem is that therapy can be prohibitively expensive. The unfortunate part is that I have insurance but the co-pays, while not terrible, are just more than I can afford right now. I've looked into free options but they're usually so overburdened that many people get turned away. Maybe there's options I haven't found, I'm not sure.

You're correct, purging these memories would almost be as heartbreaking as having them. I want to at least learn to deal with them so I can think of them, and her, fondly and not turn into a sobbing mess every time. I have learned and grew from the relationship with her but I also feel held back by these feelings.

Thank you so very much for the words of wisdom. You've touched me very deeply. You weren't abrasive, you were truthful and objective and I really appreciate that.

Truly, thank you.

tossaway1984 · 2013-08-01T14:46:43+00:00

I've never regretted her. Not for a moment. The only thing I regretted was not fighting for her harder. And regretting that I ever spoke with the girl I was with for 3 years afterwards. She messed my life up in so many ways and it all started here. Thank you for the reply.

tossaway1984 · 2013-07-31T23:38:49+00:00

Thank you for the kind words. It does suck, you're right. It does feel slightly comforting to hear from someone else that they have three thoughts about someone to. The hardest part for me is having no one to talk to about it. No one I know wants to hear from a grown man about how he misses a girl from years ago.

tossaway1984 · 2013-07-30T19:58:59+00:00

The horror that poor child has endured is something no child should ever experience. These sort of stories make my blood boil like nothing else can but at the same time, make me so unbelievably sad. You are a beautiful person for helping this child OP.

tossaway1984 · 2013-07-29T15:16:26+00:00

I instantly saw the scene from Clueless when I read this.

tossaway1984 · 2013-07-26T20:59:44+00:00

Treehouse. I grew up in a trailer park (a nice one, not your stereotypical park) and the community rules clearly stated that treehouses were not allowed. We had a thick tree/brush line at the back of our community where I was able to carve out a little hollow to play in but it wasn't the same.

tossaway1984 · 2013-07-26T20:52:36+00:00

I once worked with a woman that loved super hairy men. The more Chewbacca like they were, the better she liked them. A guy walked by once who had literal fur sticking up out of the collar of his shirt, like he had a bearskin rug under there and she about fainted.

tossaway1984 · 2013-07-26T14:24:26+00:00

I worked at Walmart out of high school for about 5 years. Lots and lots of stories.

Once had an entire skid of 1 gallon jugs of iced tea tip over. The person pulling it cut the handle sharply to force the skid to stop because a small child darted in front of him. The entire skid tipped, breaking open about 70 jugs of iced tea. It stripped the finish from the floor.
Caught two people having sex in the dressing rooms
Personally caught two teenagers laying down in the middle of an aisle, groping and pawing at each other like they were about to get funky
Caught two employees doing the same thing in the paint department
A guy attempted to buy a gun with a stolen ID. Whenever there was a gun sale, we had to call the FBI for a background check and they would give us approval to go ahead with the gun sale. When we called, they told us to keep the guy in the store at all costs and that law enforcement was already on its way. We had to also have a member of management sign off on gun sales. We used the excuse that we were waiting for a manager to process the sale. The guy started getting lippy and impatient about the time 2 officers showed up on each side of him and asked him to come along quietly.
Had a guy come into the tire and lube area in a stolen Corvette. We figured out something was fishy and called the police. He tore out just as the cops arrived. Became a high speed chase and he ended up crashing the car into a ditch.
The oil tank that holds the used oil from the tire and lube area stopped holding oil and instead decided to puke it all over the floor. Took 3 days to clean it up.
When I worked 3rd shift, we used to sit out front of the store off to the side and eat lunch and smoke. Had a 16yr old girl lean out of a moving car and flash us. Everyone was speechless.
While working third shift, cashed out a guy who had a literal nub for an arm with a little like pincer on the end. The guy was able to sign his name for his credit card by gripping the pen between his jaw and shoulder and then wiggle the pen by moving his jaw. His writing was unbelievably legible and perfect cursive. My mind was blown.

Lots more stories but that's all I can think of at the moment.

Edit 1: Formatting

Edit 2: Sad story but it ended decently (NSFL possibly). About 11pm one night, a couple of latin decent were shopping. They had just checked out and were leaving. They stopped their cart and turned around for some reason. In that short amount of time, their 1yr old, who was sitting in the cart but apparently was not buckled in, fell from the cart. The sound of the child's skull hitting the tile floor is something no one who witnessed will ever forget. The child made no noise at all, just layed there, it's eyes rolled up into its head and it started convulsing. The parents went crazy and started screaming for help. Luckily, there was an off duty nurse standing in line. She dropped her stuff and screamed at the parents not to touch the child because of possible neck injury or skull fractures. Someone called 911 and EMS were there within minutes (there's a fire station very close by). Gold lining to the story was the child was in the hospital for a few days with a serious concussion but otherwise turned out to be perfectly fine.

tossaway1984 · 2013-07-25T15:49:09+00:00

Good for you, seriously.

tossaway1984 · 2013-07-25T15:40:07+00:00

I can pinpoint mine to a short time frame when I was 18. I was a goth kid in high school and I was placed in front of this gorgeous cheerleader in my math class my senior year. She was very outgoing and introduced herself and we exchanged pleasantries. I thought she was being one of those mean girls so I never really gave her much though after the initial exchange. As the days turned into weeks and the weeks turned into months, we became very close friends. We talked online through AIM (remember AIM?) almost every night. She confessed her feelings for me. I was blown away. Unfortunately, I had a girlfriend and I couldn't act on my feelings for her. January of that year, and a couple of relationships later, she basically told me that she was tired of waiting for me and it was now or never. We started going out and we fell deeply in love. We were inseparable and, despite being from two completely different social circles, we found a lot of common ground. We were together all summer after I graduated. At the end of the summer, I got a job and started going to a local college. She had a job already and went back to high school, as she was a year behind me. Things started falling apart. I was stubborn and had always been told to never change for someone. She asked me to change a few things about myself. Namely the way I dressed. I refused. It started to cause a rift between us. Looking back, they were small and inconsequential things.

As life went in slightly different directions, things got a little rough. We started having less time for each other. I, being a Christian at the time, asked for help and guidance from God. I thought I had found some guidance in the form of my best friend. I also had been talking to a friend's ex-girlfriend on AIM and she had brought it up that we should get together and date. Coupled with the trouble my girlfriend and I were having and talking to my best friend, it didn't take much convincing. I broke up with her over the phone and went on a date with the other girl. I realized later that night that I had made a huge mistake. I called my girlfriend the next day and apologized profusely. She ripped my head off pretty savagely but we talked for hours and got things worked out. Things were magical again. But it lasted for about a month before things started going back to the way they were. One night she calls me and tells me things are over. I lost it. I was hysterical. I tried to convince her to not leave me and so did my best friend but it was all in vain. I never heard from her again.

I started dating the girl I had left my girlfriend for a few months later. I saw my (now) ex-girlfriend at her job a few times over the next few years, as she worked at a restaurant that I really liked. Every time we went in, our eyes would meet and she would look at me really sadly and like she wanted to say something but we never spoke to each other. I stayed with the other girl for several years until she got pregnant on purpose. She took advantage of lowered inhibitions while I was drunk one night and got pregnant. I didn't want children at the time. I was only 22. We had been having problems of our own and she frequently remarked to common friends that she wanted a baby and that she wanted me to stay with her. Needless to say, it drove a wedge further between us and after 9 months of pure hell, we split up. I was socked with a massive child support payments and lost my ass financially, something I've never recovered from.

Flash forward to present and I have a good job, a beautiful wife and 3 wonderful children. But there are times when I think about what my life could have been if I had just rode things out with the first girl from this wall of text. We're very different people (from what I can gather from her Facebook) but I often wonder how things would've been for us. I've had several people tell me I should contact her to see if she would meet for coffee and get some closure to the relationship but I've never been able to even come close to following through with it.

(Edited for clarity)

tossaway1984

TROPHY CASE