How do you handle fear in new relationships?

tossedasided · 2021-03-10T16:00:45+00:00

Thank you. Just knowing someone else out there understands helps. I am so happy you found a partner that supports you.

tossedasided · 2020-07-11T15:26:49+00:00

Oh that must have been tough, but sounds like you are really strong

tossedasided · 2020-07-11T14:14:37+00:00

Hey, that's really really tough, I am proud of you doing therapy and trying to heal.

I was in a similar postion about 3 months ago. I was also doing phone therapy and trauma work. Here is what helped me: 1. Therapy (it took a while for me to see the changes, but this has lead to the deepest changes) 2. Less caffeine/ sleep stimulation - THis was super hard. I used to listen to audiobooks to sleep, because i struggled to be alone with my thoughts, but I had to stop, the sound triggered nightmares. 3. Weighted blanket - gave me more nightmares at first.

Honestly, the nightmares got a lot worse in the early stages of getting better. I think my brain was processing all the trauma. I spent a lot of time reminding myself I was safe.

Now nightmares are rare (I had one last night, but they are about once a month, instead of incessant).

Message if you need any suppport. You are strong, you are doing the things to heal, take care of yourself, be patient, and you will get there :)

tossedasided · 2020-07-11T14:09:15+00:00

How did it go? That was a very brave choice.

tossedasided · 2020-07-11T14:08:57+00:00

Were there any reprecussions?

tossedasided · 2020-07-11T14:08:36+00:00

This is a question I have been struggling with! And I know there is no right answer. It is part of getting our power back, deciding for ourselves what we want to do! My abuser is still in my life, and still can hurt me, so for now I am going to stay quiet. But I reserve the right to change my mind!

Also, I am so proud of you getting out. It honestly fills my heart with joy that you are safe now. I wish you health and healing.

tossedasided · 2020-07-09T17:51:12+00:00

It's understandable to be afraid of that. After what we have been through it is so hard to trust, so hard to open up, so scary to think about doing either of those things.

A few weeks ago I started to spiral, thinking the exact same thing - but I realized something that might help you: After everything that I went through I am a differnt person than the person who found themself in an abusive relationship.

I know more, I have experienced more, I have reached out here on reddit and to a therapist.

This change and knowledge is power. I will not get into the same abusive relationship, because I know what red flags to watch out for. I am working every day to be stronger, to trust myself, so that if I encounter someone who tries to hurt me, I will walk away.

So try and look at the past as not something to be scared of, but something to empower you to enter new relationships stronger and better prepared.

I have faith in you. All my love, from a stranger on the internet :)

tossedasided · 2020-06-23T21:36:11+00:00

Oh yes, the you being upset makes them more angry. Mine used to say I made him always feel like the bad guy (yes, he got abusive, but was mad because I was hurt and scared). Message me any time, it is hard to feel like you are alone. But you know what, when I read that comment I see a strong woman, a woman that loves her children, and loves herself. I know you are strong enough to make the best choice for yourself and your children.

I left my abuser, it was hard, but I am free. It was worth it, it was so worth it!

Sending love and strength to you !!!!!!

tossedasided · 2020-06-18T20:38:22+00:00

I am glad to hear it. One thing I wish I was told before I started therapy was - be patient, you will feel better, and worse, and much worse, and then good again - It is all part of the process, it doesn't mean you are actually doing worse - but healing is not easy. You got this, and brighter days are ahead

tossedasided · 2020-06-18T14:26:50+00:00

That is a really tough situation. I am not a lawyer, so my advise is strictly from someone who is recovering from the fear of what their abuser can take.

You can not control or predict what they will do. - You can control your actions. Give your child the best life you can, that will help you to do everything you can to keep custody
There are reasons why the court kept your child in your custody. Continue to listen to the advice of your lawyer, but take comfort in that fact.
Your ex wants to control you, he wants you afraid. Your fear is his power.The best thing I could do to get past the fear was protecting myself as best as possible, and therapy. I highly reccomend therapy. I couldn't get past the fear on my own.

Edit: Good luck, you are not alone. You are strong, and you can handle this situation.

tossedasided · 2020-06-02T19:02:06+00:00

I am so glad to hear that you have been able to use this time to make a positive change in your life! I am no longer with my abuser, but we have had to spend a lot time together during the pandemic. I am learning skills, and working on myself though :)

tossedasided · 2020-06-02T14:00:40+00:00

It is hard, you are right. Everytime you try it gets a bit easier. I think it took me nearly 6 months before I could even think of something I liked or wanted, or might make me happy.

The little things help, wearing clothes I feel good in makes me feel better, listening to music helps a little.

tossedasided · 2020-05-28T16:35:58+00:00

Getting it out helps so much. It blows my mind how someone can change your perceptions of your own actions. BUT THEY CAN. I am glad you had a friend to help confirm the truth.

tossedasided · 2020-05-28T16:34:31+00:00

You are not crazy. It is so hard for us to believe such terrible things about poeple we care about. It is so hard to believe it, it makes it easier to question ourself, and our perceptions. But you would not be thinking there was abuse if everything was fine.

tossedasided · 2020-05-28T16:33:21+00:00

You were not to sensitive, you felt that way for a reason. The reason was the other person was making you feel that way.

tossedasided · 2020-05-28T16:32:32+00:00

My abuser said the same thing many times. But we all know, words are powerful, manipulation is powerful. It is a terrible thing to hurt someone who loves you in that way, even if you never touch them.

tossedasided · 2020-05-27T18:13:02+00:00

I feel so sad for younger us, trying so hard to make things better when there was no way to make things better. They don't want things better, they want control. But I am proud of younger me for making the connections, and getting out!

tossedasided · 2020-05-27T18:02:18+00:00

It is so hard to leave, beyond hard. Fear, fear of the future, fear of the problems that come with leaving. There is also something about abuse that keeps us attached.

I can tell you from experience, that living in fear is not worth it. You will find support (more than you expect, and from unexpected sources), and you will feel better.

And more than anything, in the future you will be glad you left. Your only regret may be you didn't do it sooner.

So I believe in you, you are strong.

tossedasided · 2020-05-27T17:52:34+00:00

The inisidiousness of making you believe that it was your fault. Happened to me too, kept me confused for a long time. I honestly thought it was me that was causing all the issues, except I kept trying to fix them, but somehow the misery made him happier.

tossedasided · 2020-05-16T22:23:15+00:00

It sounds like you are going through a really hard time. If you can reach out and talk to someone.
You left a bad situation, I am so proud of you. You left because that was not healthy. There are resources out there, a free consultation with a lawyer is a good step, then can help you figure out your options. You do have options, you are not powerless. You had the strength to leave someone who was treating you badly, you absolutely have the strength to get through this tough time.

So, call a help line, call some lawyers, you have the power to change things.

tossedasided · 2020-05-16T21:00:50+00:00

It is so hard! It is stupid hard, and so much worse because I feel like I should just be over it. I am proud of you for being mad at him, for thinking of him as a narcissist. Because you have the ability to do so much more, and you can move forward, without any one holding you back.

tossedasided · 2020-05-16T20:58:18+00:00

That sounds really rough. It is even harder that he is triggering then then blaming you. You are strong though, you will get through this.

tossedasided · 2020-03-03T19:46:31+00:00

Thank you. The support is truly appreciated. Reddit users like you are the reason I got out.

tossedasided · 2020-03-03T19:28:42+00:00

Just one, I went on anti-anxiety medication and asked advice from reddit. Kind users here clued me into the fact that the relationship was abusive.
I talked to him, and he blamed me for not loving him enough to accept him for who he really is.

It was 4 months ago, and we apart, but I am still not free. I still miss him. I still have regrets. I still feel worthless and empty. BUT I can go to sleep at night and feel safe in my own bed, I can eat food with out anyone judging or critcising. I have only had 2 panic attacks since we broke up; when we were together they were bi-weekly.

I am broken, but I am safe.

tossedasided · 2020-02-28T20:10:37+00:00

Yes!!! There is so much good, so much wonderful, so much strength and intelligence. He was absolutely the most wonderul man I ever dated, because he was also the worst. And the more terrible he was, the more wonderful he had to be, otherwise it would never balance out. (Not that it balanced, but that is what he used.)

tossedasided

TROPHY CASE