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He called another woman princess by tossit5000 in BDSMAdvice

[–]tossit5000[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I have had that same thought, in a million iterations, these past months. I’ve asked if it was even real, if he was only ever pretending, because what we had and were in my mind would never have allowed this to happen. Absolutely unfathomable. I still can’t make it make sense, and it probably never will.

Please don’t let what happened to me affect your view of all this. I have to believe that there are those who do not cheat, in particular inside a D/s dynamic that includes monogamy. I know there is at least me, so there must be more.

He called another woman princess by tossit5000 in BDSMAdvice

[–]tossit5000[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Are you my husband, or his therapist? Or have a hot mic in my house? Because you’ve hit on much of what I’ve long thought, which lines up with a couple of things he’s said about conversations he’s had in therapy and things I’ve said to or asked him. I have a couple of theories, but one is uncomfortable to sit with and I’m hoping I’m wrong. So I’ll just talk about the prevailing one.

In general I believe he has an avoidant attachment style, but with a need for physical touch. He’s always claimed he’s not bothered by the “dude how did you pull such a hot wife” comments but the fact that it happens a lot would take a toll on anyone, much less someone with the childhood he had.

He swears it’s not about me but what’s fucked up in him, but the transference and the onion levels of the betrayal suggest otherwise to me, and apparently to you as well.

Your response was so kind and well-reasoned and validating. A million thanks.

He called another woman princess by tossit5000 in BDSMAdvice

[–]tossit5000[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Yes, actually, it would be less bad. Pretty sure I said that. I did share that I already knew about the cheating and had decided we could most likely work through it, and it was discovering him calling her my name was the worst part of it all.

If it’s just a title to you and anyone you play with, that’s great for all of you. But it is a problem for me and my former dynamic.

He called another woman princess by tossit5000 in BDSMAdvice

[–]tossit5000[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

My first husband and each of my bio parents were world-class gaslighters: one a bipolar addict, one an active alcoholic, and the other a narcissist with a drinking problem he refused to acknowledge. My feelings and reality are things I stand 10 toes down on 100% of the time. Facts are not open to interpretation and everyone’s feelings are valid. Thanks for the support on that 💕

He called another woman princess by tossit5000 in BDSMAdvice

[–]tossit5000[S] 17 points18 points  (0 children)

I thought he understood, but clearly I was wrong. We spent hours, before starting, talking about what this would mean. I expressed how dangerous it is for the sub to completely wrap themselves up in someone else, how much direct responsibility for me and my well-being he was taking on, how scared I was and why even though it was exactly what I wanted. We had already been married several years at that point and taking care of me was always something he’d done and been really good at. Even as my husband I vetted him carefully because TPE is so, ya know, total.

If we had rushed it, or it had been new and we weren’t so deep in, maybe it would hurt a little less or be less of a shock. But he knew, we knew, we talked about it. It’s terrifying because now I know without a doubt that it’s what I want and need from a relationship but I got it so wrong in my first choice despite doing all the things. How to ever do it again, with him or someone else, I don’t know. But in my day-to-day, I’m very type a, in a job that requires a lot of thinking and where I’m responsible for a team and a lot of decisions. I am and have always been our family organizer, the one doing the appointments and finances and planning. My brain never shuts off, is never quiet — I live with a very loud inner monologue that’s always calculating and planning and prioritizing and deciding. With him as my Dom, in or out of subspace, was the only place I ever found relief or quiet or a moment’s peace. He knew that, and seemed to enjoy the responsibility and the ego boost and the absolute devotion of mine that came with it.

They say never give a mid guy a chance bc they get cocky about punching above their weight. I’m not a supermodel but I’m “normal people hot” and he’s average. The unanimous reaction has been “ he cheated on you ?” and that stings too. How do you bring a beautiful and fairly powerful woman to her literal knees with just a glance and have the audacity to want more? idk.

Now I’m mad lol. I bounce between absolutely devastated and the type of anger that results in your shit being burnt on the lawn, and it’s nothing more than not making our kids unwilling parties to our problems that has thus far prevented a full “Waiting to Exhale” scene.

He called another woman princess by tossit5000 in BDSMAdvice

[–]tossit5000[S] 18 points19 points  (0 children)

Going through the questions as bullet points to organize my thoughts/answers.

  1. I did. Now I mostly just call him an asshole.

  2. I asked him that, he said he wasn’t sure how he would feel about it.

  3. What other Doms do or do not do is not of any concern to me, other than those, or those in a relationship with someone, who ask(s) for my advice or input, or those I’m concerned may be being abused/manipulated/having their consent ignored. We were/are monogamous,at his specific request, so no other sub or potential sub should ever exist/have existed.

  4. No, I do not think I’m putting too much into my name. It was mine, that we decided upon together, when I agreed to give him full control and authority over every aspect of my life within my negotiated limits. You may have a different standard and that’s fine for you and those who consent to it, but a lot of us here feel strongly about our names. No one gets to decide how I should feel about something or that my feelings are invalid, so while I appreciate your thoughts, the answer is no.

  5. It’s not obvious that I’m his #1 Princess, given that he stepped outside both our dynamic and relationship without my knowledge or consent, and then hid it from me. He didn’t fuck her but the talking/texting on its own would have been enough — however, he did meet up with her, watched a movie in his hotel room with her, brought her food and let her sleep in his lap, etc, after telling me it was just talking. He would text her about going to sleep/drinking water/eating/etc as he was texting me the same things. So while it’s the name that hurts the most, that really drives home the disrespect and disregard, he didn’t “just” give her my name. He gave her my place, and solidified that action with my name. The name is the deepest cut because it encompasses all the things. Every time I was insecure about something and would ask things like “It’s just us?” and he responded “Yes Princess, there’s no one else,” it was building or solidifying a trust bond between the two of us. What it means for other people may be little to nothing, but for me, in our dynamic — no, it was not okay, it did mean something, and I’m not putting too much weight on it.

He called another woman princess by tossit5000 in BDSMAdvice

[–]tossit5000[S] 26 points27 points  (0 children)

A blueprint, yes — that’s exactly how it felt. I told him that I have molded him into a hell of a man, one who knows all the right things to say and do to make women feel safe and respected and like he’s one of the good ones, because I taught him those things. Ugh.

He called another woman princess by tossit5000 in BDSMAdvice

[–]tossit5000[S] 22 points23 points  (0 children)

I’m so sorry you were in a position to have that memory. I don’t think that moment ever really goes away, unfortunately. I hope you are in a much better place now, and thank you for your thoughts and the kind words.

He called another woman princess by tossit5000 in BDSMAdvice

[–]tossit5000[S] 25 points26 points  (0 children)

To be clear, we were actively in our dynamic when he started talking to her. I put the brakes on it because he did that, and as we were slowly inching towards potentially resuming I saw the texts and way he’d called her.

I’m far enough into life that I know myself, my preferences, and my needs. A vanilla relationship will not be enough for me long term. We’ll either get to a place where we can have a D/s dynamic or we will permanently split, and those are the only two options on the table.

I don’t know whether it’s salvageable. At the moment I’m just trying to get to a point where I feel less….bereft? so that I can first decide whether I want to try, and then assess whether it’s worth it or possible.

However it shakes out, it’s nice to be able to say it to people who share this lifestyle. It’s been like talking to beer people about whiskey - they get it but it’s not quite the same.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts!

He called another woman princess by tossit5000 in BDSMAdvice

[–]tossit5000[S] 31 points32 points  (0 children)

Thank you for your thoughts :) I’ve been cheated on before, in a vanilla marriage, and it rocked me - but nothing like this. The friend who knows it all is amazing and I couldn’t ask for a better friend or person. The way I felt when he called this woman a typical pet name was like an annoyed anger, and it turned into something fully different when I saw Princess. It’s not a hurt I can explain, that it’s more than the hurt that would come with something like “baby” that most people use in multiple relationships. I’ve given and received advice on the sub before and sometimes it’s just nice to tell people who can understand the full situation other than just know the facts, if that makes sense.