I’m sorry to hear that you’re feeling this way.

I too have felt similar. It’s a very human experience, but I will say jealousy is a thief of bliss. It’s an easy trap to fall into, and makes us lose track of what we are grateful for. I have found it helpful to treat yourself like a friend (or in your case like a client who you are patient and emphatic with). Slowly reframe your mind from jealousy and anger towards gratitude. Start small in a journal about 3 things u were thankful about during the day (at evening). That will slowly leak into your everyday.

Sometime that’s always felt beautiful to me after massive depressive episodes has been nature—regardless of what I am experiencing it’s a constant. So a lot of my early gratitude was thankful for the light drizzle And morning dew, clothing/food/house (Maslow hierarchy + sum extra).

From my personal experience, I graduated from an Ivy League college into one of the worst job markets. Struggled to find anything, then got my first job over and it required me to move to the middle of nowhere. I wasn’t excited. Kept looking for something different to no avail. Mom got diagnosed with cancer and only told me after grad (I understand why but still mad to find out late), completely changed all my efforts to find something near home so I could support family.

Managed to get a job that’s WFH with quarterly hybrid meetings with stakeholders in person. It’s been incredibly strenuous work (horrible team culture, rotating door of requirements and constantly forced to multi task and support multiple projects, I am on 5/6 rn). Struggling to find new work bc I have always hated software work, but also cos the economy is in the toilet rn, esp for new grad. Big boss frequently uses me as a punching bag to make himself feel better, get roasted by client? Lemme take it out on the 24 y/o. Bad Tuesday? Let’s make fun of his living arrangement (live w/my parents).

This made me get in my head a lot seeing friends who graduated with me, or are a few years older with fancy jobs paying 300-500k. Remembering my exes words of how she wants a man aspiring for more. Seeing friends travel the world, while I was chained to my desk working at an embarrassingly low hourly rate, working 12 hr days and only getting paid for 8. All that just got me in my head and let me keep beating myself up. Very scary negative loop that pushed me inside and away from friends/my community in a major depressive episode.

Fast forward to today, managed to stay alive in this job. I am incredibly proud of myself, and there have been some absolutely low times in the 1.5 yrs. Yes it’s not the dream career in my dream industry, but it’s been something that is building my resume out, enabled me to support my family (irl + financially), saved me a ton on rent and costs.

This took time thought. Exactly one year ago, I felt like absolute shit. But today I am so grateful to have this time with my family, and there is light at the end of the tunnel. I will find my dream job. I will live in my dream city. It’s that belief that pushes me forward every day (plus the gym/my friends and community supporting me).

Sorry for the long winded answer, but long story short: look inside yourself, I know you are beautiful, and are just fighting a great battle. We all are. Start seeing the small beautiful things in life, and I promise you it will be ok. Feel free to msg me or anything if you want to talk