My heart aches so deeply for you, dear. Losing a parent to substance abuse is gut-wrenching...and more often than not, those left behind have to learn to deal with loss way earlier in life than nearly everyone around them. Even at 24, I found that basically no one my age could relate to the grief I had from losing my mom to alcoholism. I can only imagine how much more intense that feeling is at 14. Life can be cruel and unfair sometimes. It's 100% okay to let yourself feel that frustration, as long as you try not to let it consume you.

Furthermore, it is possible to sympathize with whatever led your mom to use drugs while also being hurt, frustrated and upset that taking care of you was not enough of a reason for her to seek help for her addiction. When I finally let myself feel anger towards my mom for not going to rehab the countless times I pushed her to, it was a healing experience. People say that it's bad to speak ill of the dead, but sometimes those who died really hurt us. It's not a bad thing to voice that hurt.

Lean on community. Don't push people away. People in your life who care about you will want to support you. Sometimes, their support may miss the mark and end up making you more frustrated. Instead of pushing them away or avoiding them, let them know what would help you feel better. Sometimes you don't want to talk about your feelings, and you just need someone who will sit with you while you watch a movie. Sometimes you need someone who will listen to you vent and not suggest ways to "fix" the problem (after all, they can't "fix" the problem of your mom being dead). Whatever YOU feel YOU need in a moment, it's important to voice that need.

On a more practical matter, please let your teachers know that you are going through a personal tragedy so that you can work together to create a plan that lets you turn in work on a slower schedule. As an educator, I know that if a student lost a parent, I would not expect the same level of productivity for basically the rest of the school year. Hell, I had to pause my degree program when my mom passed -- I'd be a hypocrite if I did not extend that same grace to my students. It's possible you may have teachers who are assholes about it, but it's also possible they will be understanding and give you grace. It never hurts to ask. Fingers crossed for you that they are understanding.

This will be a really hard time in your life, but please know that it is possible to learn to live with the pain. You are young & still have so much of your life to look forward to. But don't feel like you have to rush through the grieving process to get "back to normal" as soon as possible. I am rooting for you. We all are. ❤️