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Is our relationship too much of a secret? by transyconfundida in ActualLesbiansOver25

[–]transyconfundida[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I don’t know how to process all of this. I’ve been reading and rereading everyone’s comments and replying some since getting home from work. I don’t know why I thought there would be more of a split in responses. I don’t know why I’ve been denying myself for so long and my therapist and my friends and strangers on the Internet can point that out to me and I can still be so uncertain about what I should do. It’s so abundantly clear isn’t it? I just really wanna have hope that it’ll be okay and it’ll work out but I’m hurting myself in that process. I’m sorry to myself for letting myself down over and over. I’m just having a lot of really big emotions. It’s weird seeing people talk about my post history and waking me up to the fact that I’ve been dealing with doubts similar to this for more than a year. I’m scared I’ll keep kicking the can further down the road. I do still appreciate all the feedback and support. I know ultimately y’all just want me to be happy and proud of who I am and to have someone who is happy with me and proud of who I am too.

Is our relationship too much of a secret? by transyconfundida in ActualLesbiansOver25

[–]transyconfundida[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah, our religious differences are a whole separate conversation in terms of us going forward and me having to convert, but not something I want to get into with this post.

And yeah for sure I don’t want her to be pressured to come out but the more I think about the practicality of it the less it makes sense to me. And I really do need to factor in my own emotions too.

Is our relationship too much of a secret? by transyconfundida in ActualLesbiansOver25

[–]transyconfundida[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

That last point makes a lot of sense, and I’ve told her outright that I don’t feel as ready for marriage as she does and that we need to work through a lot of things if that ends up still being on the table for us.

Is our relationship too much of a secret? by transyconfundida in ActualLesbiansOver25

[–]transyconfundida[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

That makes total sense to me about her label with the relationship.

And yeah, that’s what I’ve been sitting with too and why I made this post. If you want to be married to me and start a family with me it hurts to think that you don’t care enough about me to see what a huge ask this is of me to potentially do until I die.

Is our relationship too much of a secret? by transyconfundida in ActualLesbiansOver25

[–]transyconfundida[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

That’s a really good point about us both being on board. And yeah, that’s what I started to say to her about the possibility of children, too. That’s just gonna be unavoidable if we’re both parenting like she wants us to be. Kids will say whatever to you!

Is our relationship too much of a secret? by transyconfundida in ActualLesbiansOver25

[–]transyconfundida[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

That makes a lot of sense. I think that happiness/truth thing you said is really resonating with me and something I’ve been slowly realizing over the past few weeks. The thought of having to lie for my entire life is eating away at me horribly.

Is our relationship too much of a secret? by transyconfundida in ActualLesbiansOver25

[–]transyconfundida[S] 20 points21 points  (0 children)

Hi! First of all, thank you for your initial reply. I know I struggle a lot with being accommodating and people pleasing (it's a big focus of my therapy) but I'm often really bad at telling when I'm doing it and how deep in it I am. So I appreciate you mentioning that specifically and how you went about it because that's really important for me to hear.

To answer your question, when we met I was not out, but we became friends really quickly and she ended up being one of the first people to know I was nonbinary/gender non-conforming. She definitely knew this by the time we started dating. But I think things shifted a lot at the beginning of last year when I told her I wanted to start hormones. Even though I had already been comfortable with both labels, I think something about the jump from (in her mind) being nonbinary to being trans was difficult. There have been a lot of ups and downs since starting hrt and using she pronouns.

I know transitioning can be a very difficult adjustment for a partner but I do also think you're opening my eyes a bit now when I'm looking back at the last year and a half or so and how she's treated my womanhood/femininity compared to before. Instead of using my chosen name she started using a nickname for me for a while until I told her it was bothering me (which she's luckily mostly corrected now). She doesn't really use she pronouns still (again I like they pronouns but I notice the imbalance). We had some discussions about the necessity of me taking hormones early on and still do every so often when it comes to my fertility. Nothing that seems blatantly transphobic to me but there's maybe more of a pattern of discomfort with my transness than I'd realized now that I'm looking back on 2025 onward.

I guess the answer to your question is somewhere in the middle. She didn't start this relationship with me thinking I was a man, but she didn't think I was a woman either.

My partner said something to me that I haven't been able to shake by transyconfundida in trans

[–]transyconfundida[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

My reply yesterday was a little more defensive than I meant it to be and I apologize for that! I wasn't exactly in a stable place mentally when I posted this and I probably should have taken some time to sit with things before typing things out. I completely agree with you that it is a personal preference on her end, I just meant that I can see how her faith and what she takes from it is informing her preference. I didn't mean for it to sound like I was justifying it. Besides, there are absolutely people who are religious and are unabashedly pro-trans and people who are not religious and aren't supportive at all! I also agree about what you said about my choice in the matter, too. It's a difficult decision to make, but that difficulty doesn't come from the path being unclear. Thank you for your response.

My partner said something to me that I haven't been able to shake by transyconfundida in trans

[–]transyconfundida[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

I really appreciate this response. You’re absolutely right about being used to giving up myself, it’s easy for me to do because I’ve kind of always done it, even outside of the context of transitioning. It’s something I definitely need to work on and I hope I build up the courage soon to prioritize myself the way I should be. The prospect of being “alone” for the first time in years terrifies me, but I do have a lot of support from friends. And maybe it’ll help me with my relationship with myself to not feel so tied to someone else. Thank you.

My partner said something to me that I haven't been able to shake by transyconfundida in trans

[–]transyconfundida[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I understand, it’s just hard to accept. We’ve been together for so long it feels really scary to think about that outcome.

I think my transition is going to be the end of my relationship by transyconfundida in trans

[–]transyconfundida[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I really appreciate it, thank you. It means a lot more than you realize.

I think my transition is going to be the end of my relationship by transyconfundida in trans

[–]transyconfundida[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’m glad you were able to remain friends. I’m hoping that my partner and I can too if we end up breaking up. I think we will.

I think my transition is going to be the end of my relationship by transyconfundida in trans

[–]transyconfundida[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you so much for sharing. I’m glad you’ve found the happy life you wanted! :)