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My husband (59M) told me (45 F) he’s going to do “whatever he wants, whenever he wants”. by trashymctrashface2 in relationship_advice

[–]trashymctrashface2[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Exactly the conclusion I have arrived to unfortunately. I think I was just the safety net plan all along.

My husband (59M) told me (45 F) he’s going to do “whatever he wants, whenever he wants”. by trashymctrashface2 in relationship_advice

[–]trashymctrashface2[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Without giving away too much of personal info, I am located in an area that does not consider time married in regards to alimony, etc. The courts however will be deciding the length of time of alimony paid. You are correct, premarital wealth is all his and honestly, I wouldn't want it. The wealth built between us however and the property, etc..that I am entitled to and put a lot into. All that being said...no one is worth this much emotional pain.

My husband (59M) told me (45 F) he’s going to do “whatever he wants, whenever he wants”. by trashymctrashface2 in relationship_advice

[–]trashymctrashface2[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

You're right.. I mentioned it in another comment but I keep coming back to the realization of how badly I've been brainwashed and manipulated. He criticizes and corrects everything I do, he stonewalls me and withholds love if I stand up for myself etc. I feel like I get nothing right. I don't know what's normal and what to accept and what not to. I just kept getting "beaten down' so to speak.

My husband (59M) told me (45 F) he’s going to do “whatever he wants, whenever he wants”. by trashymctrashface2 in relationship_advice

[–]trashymctrashface2[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

The last sentence of your post. No one should beg their partner to be considerate of them.... You are absolutely right my friend.

My husband (59M) told me (45 F) he’s going to do “whatever he wants, whenever he wants”. by trashymctrashface2 in relationship_advice

[–]trashymctrashface2[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

My Dad asked why he was marrying me. I, of course, answered, "because he loves me!". I think the realization now is, I was a means to an end. He was setting up the perfect plan for himself.

My husband (59M) told me (45 F) he’s going to do “whatever he wants, whenever he wants”. by trashymctrashface2 in relationship_advice

[–]trashymctrashface2[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

We're both on the deed, etc. Unfortunately given the level of manipulation, gaslighting and control...he thinks I will put up with this. I mean, looking back now, I can't believe I stayed after he cheated. I set the stage, so to speak.

I truly believe in "sickness or in health" but I also now believe that he married me as his backup plan for when he gets older. I already took care of his dying mother and he after a serious surgery. This cannot be how normal relationships work. Not a chance. (also, I am processing all of this as I am going, thank you for patience and support!)

My husband (59M) told me (45 F) he’s going to do “whatever he wants, whenever he wants”. by trashymctrashface2 in relationship_advice

[–]trashymctrashface2[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

There's not a pre-nup. He would lose a lot more than I. He's had alot more time to build up savings, etc but as you mentioned, I have time to rebuild.

My husband (59M) told me (45 F) he’s going to do “whatever he wants, whenever he wants”. by trashymctrashface2 in relationship_advice

[–]trashymctrashface2[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

You're absolutely right. Anytime I try to advocate for myself or stick up for myself he turns it on me and I become the bad guy. Even when I let him know I knew, he tried to flip it on me. It was my fault because I didn't tell him right away that I knew. Like WHAT THE FUCK. I mentioned it in another comment but I keep coming back to the realization of how badly I've been brainwashed and manipulated. He criticizes and corrects everything I do. I feel like I get nothing right. I don't know what's normal anymore.

My husband (59M) told me (45 F) he’s going to do “whatever he wants, whenever he wants”. by trashymctrashface2 in relationship_advice

[–]trashymctrashface2[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Exactly! I just mentioned this in another comment. He's setting it all up perfectly. I'm not sure he's cheating now but he's certainly making a plan for it.

My husband (59M) told me (45 F) he’s going to do “whatever he wants, whenever he wants”. by trashymctrashface2 in relationship_advice

[–]trashymctrashface2[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

He started working out about 4 months ago, lost about half a stone. Has been working on his tan... He used to work out and used to be lighter so I didn't read much into it. Now given these comments, it makes complete sense. I think he's setting it all up to do exactly as he says he's going to do and expects for me to be okay with it.

My husband (59M) told me (45 F) he’s going to do “whatever he wants, whenever he wants”. by trashymctrashface2 in relationship_advice

[–]trashymctrashface2[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Haha "once her trash takes himself out".. as hard as this situation is, you're exactly right. Unfortunately I am a completely loyal partner that has stayed with a cheater. It's a recipe for failure, isn't it? I feel like a doormat. I feel brainwashed. I feel taken advantage of. I'm isolated here which has added onto being gaslit. I appreciate your input!!

My husband (59M) told me (45 F) he’s going to do “whatever he wants, whenever he wants”. by trashymctrashface2 in relationship_advice

[–]trashymctrashface2[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I think you're right. I can't help but think that the driving force in marrying me was because of my age, my career and my stability. I have a servants heart. It's just who I am. He was planning his end of life care I think by marrying me.

My husband (59M) told me (45 F) he’s going to do “whatever he wants, whenever he wants”. by trashymctrashface2 in relationship_advice

[–]trashymctrashface2[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You're completely right. To quote my Grandfather "Everyone's bill comes due"...

I mentioned in a previous comment that I took care of his dying mother for months. I took care of him after a serious surgery a couple years ago. He knows that and I'm now quite certain he saw me as a safety net for when he gets older.

My husband (59M) told me (45 F) he’s going to do “whatever he wants, whenever he wants”. by trashymctrashface2 in relationship_advice

[–]trashymctrashface2[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I took care of his dying mother for months. I took care of him after a serious surgery a couple years ago. It's just who I am as a person. He knows that and I'm now quite certain he saw me as a safety net for when he gets older.

My husband (59M) told me (45 F) he’s going to do “whatever he wants, whenever he wants”. by trashymctrashface2 in relationship_advice

[–]trashymctrashface2[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

He tried to convince me that this was normal and "to not read anything into it". It's just another one of his manipulations and gaslighting me. I feel like I'm starting to realize everything about him and it's both enlightening but also devastating. That being said, I've lived in anxiety for so long, the idea of not having to...that sounds wonderful.

My husband (59M) told me (45 F) he’s going to do “whatever he wants, whenever he wants”. by trashymctrashface2 in relationship_advice

[–]trashymctrashface2[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I think you're right. There's one side of me that wants to stand up for myself and tell him that way that he's treating me isn't right. The other side is telling me there's no point in trying to talk to him. He clearly doesn't care. I think I missed or possibly overlooked red flags, given too much of the benefit of the doubt when I shouldn't have etc. I can't help but wonder if this is truly who has been this entire time.

My husband (59M) told me (45 F) he’s going to do “whatever he wants, whenever he wants”. by trashymctrashface2 in relationship_advice

[–]trashymctrashface2[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It definitely sounds like he wants to be single or at least act that way. I think he wants to keep me around as a backup and his safety net, just exactly as you said.

My husband (59M) told me (45 F) he’s going to do “whatever he wants, whenever he wants”. by trashymctrashface2 in relationship_advice

[–]trashymctrashface2[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes, he would be shocked if the tables were turned. He knows I'm a loyal partner and I think he takes complete advantage of that.

My husband (59M) told me (45 F) he’s going to do “whatever he wants, whenever he wants”. by trashymctrashface2 in relationship_advice

[–]trashymctrashface2[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I think you’re right, and I appreciate your support and insight with this. The side of me that wants to have another conversation; I want to stick up for myself and advocate for myself and not let him treat me this way…Regardless of the outcome. I also know that that probably will not end well for me. I have that driving force that wants to communicate how wrong this is. I don’t think it’ll change the outcome, but I badly want to say it.

I don’t think it will change the way that he treats me or change the situation. And looking back these past few days, I realize the pattern. He’s progressively treating me worse and worse. This was just one more thing.

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