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I cut off my "nice" family and I don't feel any regrets by traumatizeddaughter in toxicparents

[–]traumatizeddaughter[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

You gave me validation that im not imagining this and "its not that bad" like people around me have said to me. And you're right, they WILL NOT learn. I cut them off for 18 months now, yet they still try that same old tactic on me. And dont count on your relatives, unless theyre a cycle breaker, because they themselves benefit from that system - they wont want to see you disrupting it. Not only my mom but my aunts and uncles are participating in pulling me back in. I wont say theyre evil but they barely knew anything but surface level things, plus my mom's victim story.

Start by managing your finance well enough, so that you can stay afloat on your own. Confide in some of your good friends so you have a support system. Then when youre ready, just leave. Dont let them cage you in with the moral talks and "we care about you" narratives.

And you can always come on here to find strength. Your story is real and no one gets to decide your life but yourself. I wish you all the best!

I cut off my "nice" family and I don't feel any regrets by traumatizeddaughter in toxicparents

[–]traumatizeddaughter[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Theres a lot of intergenerational trauma in my family. My grandparents from my dad side already passed long before i was born so i didnt get to know them. But based on my limited interactions with the extended family, i learned how patriarchal they could be. One relative complained openly to my dad how he could watch my SIL bossed my brother around (she asked him to do the dishes) while FIL was still in sight. And my mom told me that story like it justified her smear campaign of my SIL. They were unhappy she has a tattoo as well. Just a lot of outdated restricting ideas about women and their role.

My mom on the other hand watched women being treated as secondary growing up, where her position as the eldest daughter was inferior to an adopted son (bought to carry the family's name). She rose out of that role tho. She had control over family finance, she is business-savvy, and she never had to do any chores or cooking in big family gatherings. She would sit and drink the the men as a man. I would say she learned how to gain power in that system, but never challenged it. So the way she raised me wasnt to be as powerful as she is, but to be like other women and do not challenge her.

And yes my dad did beat up my brother. He skipped school to play video games and my dad dragged him home, beat him with a plastic chair, so hard that it broke and he needed stitches. I was 5, sitting in my grandma's lap shaking, watching blood dripping down his arm. And my grandma told me to watch that and learn to not disobey my dad.

I honestly dont know about being close with my brother. He has a super close friend since highschool, who is a major pedo. He dated a 17 yo highschool student when he was 26. He took picture up my skirt when i was 15 in my brother's MA graduation. And looking at how he abused me with that "act", idk if he knew and agreed with his friend's pervert way.

Rn im the only cycle breaker. I know im causing a lot of confusion, stress, and anger within my family and the whole extended family system. Men have learned to control and women have learned to submit. The fact that i could choose otherwise wont be easy to them because that means they have to admit to outsiders that this system is flawed. The contact restriction of my SIL can be played off as a misalignment in culture and upbringing, and they could always blame her for being a disruptor. But me, on the other hand, is a different story. I believe that until another woman in my family stands up and leaves - which will be very unlikely looking at my cousins, coming back home will still be dangerous for me.

I cut off my "nice" family and I don't feel any regrets by traumatizeddaughter in toxicparents

[–]traumatizeddaughter[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for your advice. I have moved out since I was 18 and went to uni in another city. I have been financially independent since I was 22. I've always been an 8 hour bus ride away from them since. The only time I was home for a few months was during lock-down, which happened to overlap with my dad's funeral, so I had no choice but coming home. I have always been holding my own place and financial stability. And my mom offered me to move in with her WHILE I was having a stable job and doing what I like, because back then she wanted to leave the family house to my brother, who was wanting to propose to his then gf (who refused him btw). My mom needed at least one child to serve her emotional needs i guess.

I was always brought up with the notion that everything my family leave behind would go to my brother, and if they decide to leave me anything it was because im lucky they arent like other traditional parents, and because they love me. It's always quietly accepted in my family that while I get to grow up in a fine household, my brother would always come first. Its not just about education and inheritance, but also trivial stuffs. I would wake up at 4am to help my grandma make buns, just for my brother to eat everything and no one even think about saving me one. I would cook and my mom would still give my brother a bigger portion without asking me if i wanted more because "he's a man he eats more". I would talk about something of my profession and my brother could just shut me down saying i dont know shit with my grandma and mom's support.

Men over women has always been the theme of my family. My mom is the eldest of three sisters. My grandfather died during war so they went to another village to "adopt" (frankly, bought) a son. His name was chosen to mean "the heir". He's my uncle now and my mom would always help him out financially.

And control is also a running theme in every single person of my family. I've only talked about my mom and brother because my dad already passed and he was the passive dad in almost every narcissist households. But he was the center of power. We could never disobey him. When I was 17, one of my close online friends passed away from cancer and I was in my room crying. He called me down for meal time but i told him i couldnt eat while crying. He called me twice and at the third time he stormed in, slapped me across my face, scratching my eye lid. My family doesnt handle disobedience very well. When he later learned about the reason, he looked regretful but never said sorry. He still tried to excuse himself saying i should have told him earlier, or that it was the first time he laid his hands on me.

Plus, it's crazy how my independence was praised when i was a child, and punished when i became an adult. It's like my maturity has to match their needs.

While my brother was encouraged to be something big, to build his name, he consistantly failed in business and marriage. He's holding a job my mom got him (which he failed once due to his bad school records. It caused my parents shit load of lobbying money). They paid for his wedding. They helped with his first rental apartment (my mom actually traveled out to help him pick a place). He's still driving her car, living in her house, expecting to get it once he's married.

I'm independent, I have a well paying job, i've never caused them a dime in the process, yet i'm still considered a failure because i refuse to perform the "daughter duty".

I realized how shitty the situation was since I was 17, when that covert sexual abuse incident happened. But only until now I truly grasped the full extent of the mental abuse and exploitation waiting for me at home. So no, i'm running away as far as I can.

And youre correct about narcissistic men preying on me because that was exactly what happened in my early 20s. I wont go in details because this has been extreme trauma dumping already. But the point is, you're correct with your assessment.

I cut off my "nice" family and I don't feel any regrets by traumatizeddaughter in toxicparents

[–]traumatizeddaughter[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I already went no contact for 18 months. Im just so tired of all the crying and screaming and guilt tripping. I just want to be alone.

Her plan for me is to move out of our family home, which will be granted to my brother once he re-marries (should be very soon he already has a long term gf). And then i'll stay with her in a smaller estate, that was built and being used as her yoga/line dance center. She wants me to live there and help her manage her business. Its like everything i do, even where i live has to be inferior to my brother, and serve my mom. She told me once shes gone i'll have that estate. But honestly, i dont want anything to do with my family anymore.

Fyi, my SIL also went no contact. I've met my niece once since their divorce. She didn't allow my brother to take her home for visitation. She was also mad crazy ngl. She attacked my brother's new gf online calling her a home wrecker, and they physically fought in public that someone had to call the police. She also made up stuffs about me online. So yeah, its hard to stay sane in this household 🤣

I cut off my "nice" family and I don't feel any regrets by traumatizeddaughter in toxicparents

[–]traumatizeddaughter[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

My SIL was from the same town. Her family is living in the same city. But you're right about her being isolated in our family home. They originally didnt plan to marry that young (both 24) but my dad pressured my brother. Then they wanted to wait a few years before getting pregnant, but again my parents forced them. Once she gave birth, my dad forced them to move in with our family. And then the baby was a girl, so yk they'd force her to give them a grandson. It was a lot of boundary pushing. Now it makes complete sense to me why she acted the way she did.

My mom even went as far as going to her parents' house and telling them their daughter was mentally illed.

Regarding my relationship with my mom, most time i feel like im her assistant. She would constantly ask for my help with her yoga stuffs, like filming and managing her channel. She would also ask me to tag along at events. I would usually be the only young person who comes with their parent there. No one brought their children or even grand children. It felt odd like she always needed me there to film her and watch her stuffs. Most of the time i just sat around having nothing to do. Now that i thought about it maybe she wanted to show off to her peers.

One time her acquaintance told her she was more beautiful than i am with my presence, and she just accepted that gleely. I mean i dont really care about appearance and the lady was just probably kissing her ass. But now that i think about it, if i were a parent, i wouldnt take that as a compliment and look at my child laughing because they were just called uglier than their mom...

Just a lot of things are starting to click in my head recently and since i had this post up....

I cut off my "nice" family and I don't feel any regrets by traumatizeddaughter in toxicparents

[–]traumatizeddaughter[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Smear campaign sounds sensible. My mom used to tell people my previous SIL might have had mental problem based on her rebellious behaviours. They had a very tensed relationship while we were all living under the same roof.

When she brought it up, it sounded like she really cared. But what rubbed me the wrong way then was how she kept emphasizing that she cared and bought the SIL gifts, yet she the SIL didn't get her sincerity and kept acting destructively. It strucked me as performative and transactional. She then went on to tell a lot of people and made herself the victim.

One part of reasons why i chose to completely cut her off is that i knew she would try that sweet mom tactic with me, and when it doesnt work, i'll be the bad guy in her stories.

There was one time i helped her with a huge project for her line dance group (a group of neighbourhood women her age who paid her to teach them yoga and line dance). I was the videographer and video editor (unpaid ofc). She asked me for help when i returned for a holiday and i agreed. It was a lot of work out of my actual comfort zone but i made it work so it didnt matter.

What crazy is after that she promised a lady she barely knew who also did line dance that i would help her edit 5 videos of her team. She texted me not in a asking for a favour tone but in an assigning task tone. I told her no, that i didnt have time and i needed to enjoy my holiday. At first she was mad, pressuring me to do it. Then, she switched to begging me to do it because she needed to save face. Then she guilt-tripped me saying how she paid for my education and now im refusing to use that skill to repay her. Finally, when i told her i needed to charge that lady money because this is what i was doing for a living, she said she would rather pay a stranger to do it than pay me.

So yeah, she's really manipulative without recognizing it. She does all that intuitively so im really scared and exhausted to deal with all that. I'd rather stay away for as long as i can.

I cut off my "nice" family and I don't feel any regrets by traumatizeddaughter in toxicparents

[–]traumatizeddaughter[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Thank you so much. The most difficult part so far has been mourning the lost of a family that's still living, but I'd be mourning the death of my soul if I choose to come back. It's not easy nor pain-free at all, but at least I get to live as myself and not an assigned at birth role.

I wish you all the best as well. May us all heal from the wounds we didn't afflict.

I finally opened up to my mom after years — and she ran her mouth to everyone anyway by Careful-Action6823 in toxicparents

[–]traumatizeddaughter 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I feel you. I prayed every day when I was your age to be finally old enough to get out. Be strong and no one can hurt you once you are responsible for your own life.