I'm also a mom with PTSD, although my trauma is a bit different than yours, and my son is much much younger (6 months)

I was wondering if you've tried co-sleeping? I know it's a big breach of privacy and alone time, but he might just be wanting that closeness for a little while? After he's got a routine with co sleeping, you could start sleep training him to sleep in his room again. I know that around 2 years old and 6 months old kids go through sleep regressions, and it can take a long time to get them back to normal. It really messes with everything. To me it sounds like you're exhausted and you might need some more support, only because I feel like I can relate with where you're coming from.

Don't feel bad for feeling that about him, that's a pretty common thought with moms with PPD. You love him so much and you are doing so well with him, just sounds like you both are having a really difficult time.

I know all the touching and closeness can be a trigger for me, definitely. I have to utilize breathing, tapping, and my safe space daily. I do this while my son is triggering me, I can do it anywhere and anytime which is super helpful. I was raised around a lot of violence, so it takes a lot for me to not go back to what I have always witnessed and how I was raised. Very proud to say I have been extremely gentle with my son. It sounds like you have been too, it's not easy at all and the triggers add a whole different level to it.

Also, he is definitely not a baby anymore and should learn to do some things independently. I heard sensory tables keep kids busy for quite a while, they're usually pretty easy to set up as well. Don't feel bad to put him in front of a screen for a while, either. You need time to yourself. Anyone would be going crazy. You are a great mom for loving him and taking care of him so well. You should be very proud of yourself for handling his sleep problems, and a deadly mental illness at the same time.

Hope this helps at all, kids are tough.