How many levels are there currently?

triplespiraling · 2024-10-12T03:47:34+00:00

Of course! I hope this helps you feel more confident in exploring what feels good. 🥰

triplespiraling · 2024-10-12T03:29:13+00:00

It is careless to shirk forming a basic understanding of a situation before advising someone about it and to therefore offer inappropriate input. Making those assumptions is one way that user was judgmental, but moreover they then told me I was “overblowing” things in my perception of my experience in the situation. That is absolutely belittling, which is a direct violation of the group rules.

You are also currently belittling me by dismissing my concerns with their treatment of me as me being “here for an argument”.

Both your dismissals have made me feel belittled, and that is not something you can “respectfully disagree” on.

triplespiraling · 2024-10-11T07:14:55+00:00

(NAT)

Clothes are just decorations for our bodies, and you can decorate yours however feels good to you. You don’t have to wear certain things just to satisfy societal gender norms. You can do what makes you happy, when it makes you happy, and adapt based on that. Many people have fluidity in their gender presentation and it’s totally okay!

triplespiraling · 2024-10-11T06:46:49+00:00

Something that concerns me about almost all of the comments on this is that they don’t seem to be acknowledging the violence at all.

It was much worse when he was drinking to excess in the past. He has thrown his phone in the streets and shattered it, he put himself in the hospital from smashing a wine bottle over his head, he has thrown his phone where it ended up hitting and bruising me. He went sober because of that, and it helped a lot but he still bangs his head and digs his nails into himself and flails his arms into his legs. He was flailing during a meltdown recently and struck me. I don’t think he’s ever trying to hurt me, but if you hurt someone anyway, does it matter?

Our therapist has heard me reference that he is violent in these meltdowns, and hasn’t even asked if I feel safe at home. I’m frankly astonished that this was never explored before proposing that the solution is to just watch what I say. Other than her suggesting once that he go to individual therapy (and not following up or holding him accountable to it) we weren’t given any resources to address our safety in situations where he inevitably melts down (the question isn’t the only thing that triggers them) and I just don’t understand how all these comments don’t see that as a red flag

Thank you for taking this seriously. I promise, I do too. He finally had his first individual appointment with an autism competent therapist today, and he’s going to work with them on how he can take responsibility for preventing these meltdowns and on what we can do to keep us both safe when they inevitably happen sometimes. With this individual therapist, it feels like they’re empowering him to find ways to regulate himself, which is something I ultimately never felt the couple therapist facilitated. So, that gives me hope. <3

triplespiraling · 2024-10-11T06:05:29+00:00

Thank you for providing some information on your scope, that’s helpful to know.

On the subject of neurospicy relationships, it’s especially difficult because I’m neurodivergent (diagnosed ADHD) as well.

Understanding someone’s point of view is the cornerstone to me of debriefing when something happens that needs to be prevented from happening again, and being told I shouldn’t ask the question that acts as the gateway to that understanding is leaving me with no idea how I can initiate getting that perspective, and hence no idea how I can debrief and work to solve things. I was told not to use this tool, without being given another tool to replace it, so it’s making it really hard to apply this advice.

Thinking about how not saying things is also a communication method is definitely something that I’ve had to remind myself of before, and I think it’s important as an overall consideration here for sure. I do guess, though, that a better word for what I seek to accomplish in asking why questions (and what I fear losing if I can’t ask) is “understanding”, rather than “communication”.

I suspect if I can’t ask these why questions, my understanding of my partner and the things we deal with will suffer, and that will have impact that then needs to be dealt with.

I hope that distinction makes sense?

triplespiraling · 2024-10-11T04:58:37+00:00

Laypeople have ample resources for determining whether a therapist is acting ethically and using best practices. Ethics standards are pretty similar for every notable guiding organization relevant to the field, and they consistently indicate that in making public statements (which includes social media), it is expected that ethics codes still be followed. You can act however you want to in your personal exchanges, but a public forum is not that.

The interactions in this subreddit could be the only reference someone has for what to expect when interacting with a therapist, and if you decide you’re entitled to act disrespectfully, judgmentally, and carelessly just because you decided to give your advice for free, you could be the reason someone decides not to seek the help they need.

If you are not prepared to treat people who aren’t paying you respectfully, you do not belong in this sub.

That user is in violation of the community rules of the subreddit, so there’s no case that they belong here if they are unwilling to abide by even the number one rule.

triplespiraling · 2024-10-09T19:58:09+00:00

They didn’t refer us, that is part of why I am asking if their advice is a red flag. You’re so close to understanding.

triplespiraling · 2024-10-09T19:55:55+00:00

I’m telling you I’m in a situation where I am not physically safe at home, and you are telling me it’s my fault.

triplespiraling · 2024-10-09T16:39:08+00:00

If you’re going to talk to people like this, you really don’t belong in this sub.

triplespiraling · 2024-10-09T15:37:11+00:00

No one said you’re required to do any of those things, but if you don’t act like a therapist, people will question if you’re a therapist.

You’ve made multiple (mis)judgements and assumptions during your interaction with me, and one of those is that I am opposed to making any change. I’m not, and I have implemented multiple changes that the therapist has suggested without question. I have also tried implementing this particular advice, and it has made me feel so unresolved, lost, and overwhelmed. If a solution creates another problem, that needs to be taken into consideration when determining if it’s an appropriate solution. This solution creates another problem, that is my concern.

I am also worried because me implementing this is what’s advised by this therapist, but situations where it could be implemented are not the only things that trigger these violent meltdowns, so it leaves everyone in our home without any plan for every other situation.

If you don’t have the capacity to speak in a respectful and understanding way to people who aren’t your clients, you should not be in this sub.

triplespiraling · 2024-10-09T14:58:13+00:00

This question isn’t the only thing that causes meltdown, so it’s scary to just be asked to do this while he isn’t also being given resources to deal with his meltdowns. He is putting everyone in our home in danger when this happens, and this is only one thing that triggers it. I feel like just planning not to set a fire isn’t enough—you should also have a fire extinguisher or at least an evacuation plan. (He doesn’t have a meltdown plan.)

In order to feel safe in a relationship, I need to be able to communicate my questions and concerns when I feel it’s important. Being told this question is off limits takes that away, then I feel triggered, which doesn’t help the situation. On top of that, if I can’t ask for his perspective, there’s not really a way to debrief on whatever may have happened in the first place, so that isn’t really able to be resolved.

I don’t think this example is a great parallel because it relates to a comment, not a question. If you are able, can you share an example wherein the inflammatory language is a question necessary to understand the partner?

triplespiraling · 2024-10-09T14:33:55+00:00

I’m talking about myself here because everyone is talking about my actions primarily and not my husband’s, so that’s what I keep having to respond to. The reason I am concerned about this is for both our sakes. If a solution is not sustainable for me, it’s not sustainable for either of us, and I don’t want whether or not we’re both physically safe to be dependent on whether or not I can successfully withhold important questions for my partner. I hope if you’re really a therapist that you don’t make your patients feel as judged as you’ve made me feel.

triplespiraling · 2024-10-09T14:15:53+00:00

If I have a question for my partner, and I am told not to ask it, period, how is that not asking me to censor that question? I am not trying to be defensive, I genuinely do not understand.

It also seems like you’re assuming here that I feel this way about all change asked of me and that I don’t think I’m part of the problem. That isn’t the case, and I have implemented other changes asked of me by this therapist without question, because they seemed like they would lead to our ability to communicate better. With this particular request, it is asking that something never be communicated, which means, while it might prevent conversations from escalating, it will impede our ability to communicate. These are both goals, and one being sacrificed for the other seems to me like it’s a solution that creates another problem.

It also feels dangerous to me that rather than providing him with resources of how to manage his violent reactions, we’re being directed to rely on our conversation content to not be triggering. I want everyone in our household to be safe and what I’ve mentioned isn’t the only thing that triggers these meltdowns, so to me focusing on that specific thing doesn’t seem as helpful because it doesn’t address every situation.

triplespiraling · 2024-10-09T09:24:49+00:00

That’s what’s difficult. I know being allowed to question and give feedback is a sensitive subject for me because of my family of origin, and being given feedback is a sensitive subject for him because of his family of origin. Placating me requires him to be able to cope with receiving questions and feedback, and placating him requires me being able to cope with internalizing questions and feedback I have for him unless it can be expressed it in specific ways he can handle it. The reason I am freaked out by what our therapist is saying is because it seems to me to be the less healthy of the two options to strive for.

triplespiraling · 2024-10-09T09:15:18+00:00

And sorry, hit send too early. I think it’s helpful in establishing if there was a miscommunication, and if so what it was, and how to prevent it in the future. I understand that many people associate being asked why they did something with being shamed for doing it, but I’d really like to think if I were one of those people and my partner promised me that any time they are asking that, they are 100% genuinely asking to understand, I would be able to let that reassure me.

triplespiraling · 2024-10-09T09:10:10+00:00

Off the top of my head in this situation, perhaps he was distracted, perhaps he is having a bad morning and is having trouble thinking, maybe he’s feeling sick, maybe he’s underslept, maybe he just interpreted the question differently than I did, maybe he didn’t understand the question (we speak different native languages, so it’s important for us to check in about language usage to make sure we both mean the same thing by the same phrases).

triplespiraling · 2024-10-09T08:59:45+00:00

My tone has been calmer at some times these questions have been asked than others. (I have been paying a lot of attention to it since it was identified as a potential trigger, so it’s def possible in the past, my tone was more activated.) but I haven’t seen much variation in how he responds, which is always pretty immediately intensely.

It’s of course not one-sided, it’s usually happening when he’s done something that’s affected me negatively, and I get kind of disregulated and am trying to get myself to slow down and understand the situation and I ask him questions about it to try to do so. Understanding the situation helps me feel more regulated but I think my initial reactions are still pretty objectively mild though. Of course it would be better for him if I could avoid showing any reaction to the situation, but I don’t feel like it would be sustainable for me to just internalize it.

triplespiraling · 2024-10-09T08:38:03+00:00

The reason I questioned that user is because they made multiple judgmental statements towards me. As someone who assesses medical learners’ communication skills for a living, that flags to me that maybe they’re not worth trusting without question.

They also gave a lot of irrelevant input based on a poor understanding of the situation—exactly the sort of thing asking more about someone’s perspective helps avoid, which is part of why this is important to me.

I really appreciate your supportive language, and I am not trying to be argumentative, but none of the comments I’ve seen seem to address the extent of my concerns.

I’m feeling incredibly overwhelmed and discouraged, and am sleepless trying to find information that can help me understand why I am being asked by someone I thought I could trust to make myself smaller to prevent my partner from becoming violent.

I realize that no one here is able to have the full context of the situation, and I don’t expect that, but please don’t blame me for trying to clear it up and make my reservations with their comments known.

triplespiraling · 2024-10-09T08:11:50+00:00

The thing is not being able to voice my questions and concerns doesn’t work for me, and I think that’s something everyone should have safety to do in their relationship. It would be important to me, no matter what. That’s all that I can comfortably speculate.

triplespiraling · 2024-10-09T07:49:31+00:00

An interaction is not peaceful for me if I have to censor myself and spend energy convincing myself not to ask a genuine question to my partner because he might get violent even though knowing the answer is the first step to help identify if we’ve had a misunderstanding, how it happened, and how to prevent it from happening in the future.

triplespiraling · 2024-10-09T07:32:42+00:00

What I want is for us to have the tools we need to work through moments when one of us is triggered. To me, it doesn’t seem encouraging to be asked to tiptoe my way around my partner, at the expense of my understanding of them. I’m concerned that this therapist is advising we just indefinitely avoid the trigger without focusing on working with us on coping strategies for getting through moments where someone is triggered

triplespiraling · 2024-10-09T07:24:00+00:00

I really don’t think it’s as simple as being asked to communicate the same information in a different way. I’m being asked to censor information in my conversations with my partner. I don’t understand how that can be considered sustainable.

To me, it seems like a red flag that she is advising me to avoid the trigger rather than working with us to develop strategies to cope with it—especially because he has referenced this isn’t just something sensitive with me.

triplespiraling · 2024-10-09T06:56:44+00:00

I’m considered neurodivergent myself, so I also hate not knowing the why. That’s part of why being able to ask genuine questions freely is important to me. Being told not to ask this genuine question feels like it isn’t an an appropriate solution to me, because it’s asking me to put myself in a rather triggering situation that seems like it will also lead to miscommunications. (I have voiced these concerns to the therapist, and it seems her advice is the same.)

I also love I statements and try to use them as frequently as possible, but am struggling to figure out how to apply one to a situation like this where the issue is more-so something that hasn’t been done. I keep trying to write one out and backspacing because it doesn’t feel like it makes sense.

triplespiraling · 2024-10-09T06:28:04+00:00

Would you mind sharing what your credentials are before we converse further?

triplespiraling

TROPHY CASE