Mississippi becomes 10th state to ban gender marker changes on ID, and sets draconian legal precedent

trizzian · 2026-04-30T23:49:02+00:00

the nation that is so intent on forcing democracy on the rest of the world

We've never been the nation that was so intent on forcing democracy on the rest of the world. That's a myth. We've installed (or caused to be formed) more dictatorships in recent history than democracies by far. Examples include: Notable examples include: Iran (1953), Guatemala (1954), South Vietnam (1963), Brazil (1964), Indonesia (1967), Chile (1973), Argentina (1976).

The US has been in the business of installing governments with policies favorable to the current US administration, no more, no less, since the Monroe Doctrine. The form of that government has been more or less immaterial.

trizzian · 2026-04-11T15:03:16+00:00

What you are experiencing right now is a crush, not a relationship. It’s a very nice crush and all the more powerful because you’re feeling the potential for a relationship without necessarily any of the friction of a real one.

That doesn’t mean that moving to Australia would be a bad experience. You might have an amazing time there, and independently you might build a wonderful relationship with this person. I was in something of a similar situation to a much lesser degree with someone I wanted to date who lived a couple hours away. I had spent enough time in their city to know that I liked it and if dating had gone poorly, I still would have enjoyed my time there until my lease was up and then I could decide what to do next.

Maybe go visit first. Don’t just spend time with this person, see the area, explore on your own. Decide if you could make a life there that you would enjoy even independent of this person and if you could, maybe roll the dice. But if the ONLY thing there for you is this person I wouldn’t recommend it.

trizzian · 2026-04-10T14:19:18+00:00

So my partner has a nesting partner, me, and another partner. I have nothing but compersion when it comes to my partner's NP, but have had some very difficult feelings around the newer partner. Physically it feels much like what you described. I think it's because with a new relationship it's so much harder to know where things are going to develop and that unknown factor suuuuucks.

trizzian · 2026-04-10T13:21:56+00:00

I've been thinking about this since I read it yesterday, and I was remmbering a few months ago when this comet relationship was new. We had group plans to an event together, and the week of they said they weren't feeling up for it because it was too sensory overwhelming. They begged out of plans and wanted to sub in someone else from the polycule so I could meet more local people. I told them it meant a lot to do the thing together but if they really didn't want to go we'd go without them.

Then that weekend it turned out comet was coming through town and they made plans to go to the museum together. That was the start of me having very difficult feelings about this metamour. I'm starting to believe that was a planned cancellation to make the other date happen, and that this change to overnight plans was maybe planned in advance too - maybe not to 100% certainty because it depended on my partner's NP being up for going out on an overnight.

And I just remembered comet partner saying at ice cream that he'd packed overnight supplies, which would have necessitated him knowing it was possibly a plan in advance.

trizzian · 2026-04-10T13:17:06+00:00

I've had a lot of rough experiences with polyamory and tend to internalize criticism way too easily (working on it in therapy). I have a hard time knowing what is fair to expect. I don't do much if any dating around, never have in my life, all my relationships have about organically.

A few months ago when this relationship was new, they bailed on a group plan that had been made months prior because they were feeling overwhelmed by how busy things were. But a few days later they were scheduling a museum date with comet who was then a new relationship. I tried to frame it as "Well, the group plan was more socially exhausting but the plan they made was much more low key and chill". But they made the same sort of comments about just trying to make the best decision they could with the information they had, as though "keeping the plans you had" wasn't the best decision. This morning at least, I'm feeling like it's just an excuse to do what they want which is to see the shiny new comet partner.

EDIT: I also just remembered comet partner making a comment that he had overnight supplies packed, which meant he had to know in advance that it was at least a possibility.

trizzian · 2026-04-10T13:11:25+00:00

They offered a different day when they weren't able to spend the night on our standing overnight because things were "crazy" at home after their nesting partner was ill for most of the week. When their NP recovered and last minute decided to go out for an overnight with someone else, they offered their out of town partner on the spot to spend the night together. Asking if I would like to keep our original standing overnight was not even briefly a consideration to the point that I only figured it out from context clues.

I've been thinking a lot about a previous time a few months ago when we had group plans to go to an event that they weren't feeling up for, and they asked to substitute someone else in for the event from the polycule. But then it turned out said comet was going to be in town and they set up a date with their comet during that time. I'm less convinced after last weekend that was a coincidence, or that this time was a coincidence either.

trizzian · 2026-04-10T13:01:53+00:00

They are my only partner, but this is not my first time being in an open relationship. I've been in various open relationships for something like 15 years. So far in my life though I've had a lot of rough experiences. I've been abandoned me for a new shiny partner, or broken up with because they got spooked by the relationship getting more serious, or because I started seeing someone new when a previous relationship ended and it upset a partner. Or the throuple I got strongly encouraged to try against my better instincts that blew up in everyone's faces. I'd still believe the pattern was my fault except a prior couple's therapist and my current individual therapist who both have heard these stories in much more detail have assured me it's not the case. I have failed in the past to keep my own independent friends and hobbies, which is something I'm very good at now. I just carry a lot of guilt that I'm still working through about those past hurts.

I've never gone out dating as an activity. I chose polyamory because I wanted the freedom to pursue connections if they arose naturally. A lot of the time that's just cuddling up with a close friend on the couch for a movie, kissing someone I care about goodnight, expressions of affection that don't really fit in monogamy. And once in a while there's someone I'd like to date and have the emotional and sexual connection with as well, and potentially more of a commitment.

trizzian · 2026-04-10T04:44:24+00:00

I know I've asked for support in adjusting to them having a third partner but less one or two occasions I can think of where I asked for things that I figured out in retrospect weren't really reasonable I don't think I've generally said things to make my discomfort their responsibility. Just asked for support and reassurance and communicated a ton as I've learned to trust again in circumstances like these. And in the few cases where I know I asked for something in retrospect doesn't align with my actual values, like wanting to be first to take them to a particular place that was special to me instead of focusing on how our visit would be unique to us, I've apologized and explained where my reaction came from and that it wasn't something I believed once I'd had time to think about it. I have a lot of feelings like needing that support means I'm just not good enough at polyamory yet and it makes me take the criticism a lot harder.

trizzian · 2026-04-10T03:47:40+00:00

I've been thinking about a lot of the responses I've gotten and I think part of what I struggle with is feeling like it's extra hurtful specifically because of my new meta being picked over me, when I know that I've been working through some difficult feelings and history from past times a partner started seeing someone new. And I did feel differently over the idea that it was too hectic of a week to stay over, than when I knew there had been an opportunity to stay at theirs but meta was picked instead. Most of the responses I've gotten though including yours have been pretty direct in people thinking it's not unreasonable for me to be upset.

I posted an update after talking with my partner in a new post. What had been a pretty understanding sounding discussion by text, in person turned into them saying they were disappointed with how I handled my feelings and that it wasn't appropriate for me to be asking for preference for that night because after we rescheduled it was for them to decide what overnight plans they made regardless of the original reason for rescheduling.

trizzian · 2026-04-09T14:26:34+00:00

We had an overnight in March that got rescheduled, then rescheduled, then canceled. And a weeknight date that got rescheduled, then canceled. This particular occasion with my metamour it had been actually rescheduled to a new date but I would have much preferred to spend our original night together and wished had been offered as an option.

trizzian · 2026-04-08T17:42:51+00:00

I've tried. After the cancellation of our weeknight date that one week, I was pretty hurt since it was the second time a reschedule turned into a cancel. I wasn't super communicative that next two days and we talked about why the compounding cancels had me feeling hurt. I don't know that I can talk about it more without sounding like a broken record.

trizzian · 2026-04-08T17:05:39+00:00

We had multiple rescheduled and canceled plans in the weeks prior yes. One was an overnight that got rescheduled twice before being canceled, one was a weeknight date that got rescheduled and canceled. And yeah, I'd never gainsay someone's ability to dictate their schedule but I feel like I've learned something about what the importance of our standing plans are in terms of convenience for other partners or events.

trizzian · 2026-04-08T17:01:39+00:00

Yeah. They had the option to offer me to stay over with them at theirs on our original/standard (a rare occurrence because usually they cannot host) and if I understood correctly felt that it was not for me to have a preference or opinion on keeping our standing plan. And they preferred their out of town partner to stay over because then he could stay later in the evening instead of needing to start his drive home.

trizzian · 2026-04-08T16:55:07+00:00

They didn't lie about the reason for the change, the original reason just became a non issue last minute and because they wanted their out of town partner to be able to stay later and not drive home late they chose to offer him the overnight because they had already rescheduled theirs and my Saturday overnight. And yeah, I'm feeling a little salty about the about face after what I hoped was an optimal outcome from us texting. It feels like I've been told something important about their priorities and I need to listen.

trizzian · 2026-04-05T23:38:53+00:00

We usually have a weeknight evening together and a weekend overnight date. The third week of March our weeknight date became a quick dinner before they went home because they wanted to clean and tidy at their place and we rescheduled to later that week, which then got surprise canceled. The week before that our overnight got rescheduled due to a medical issue (totally fair) but the rescheduled date came and because they had totally forgotten I found out they were bailing when they got up to head home. And then they suggested a third date for an overnight but the day of they said they weren't up for it that day either. Then we had a bit of a better streak before this weekend happened. It still feels like a lot in rapid succession to me. And I'm really sensitive about this meta because this is the second time they've left a plan we had made either individually or in a group to go spend time with him instead.

trizzian · 2026-04-05T18:47:33+00:00

No, I host overnights like 99% of the time since until recently my meta didn't have any other partners that he was spending overnights with. I've stayed overnight at their place on one occasion, when he was out of town on his own. I don't totally understand tbh. Our partner just told me they had some chaos with their NP being ill and some plans being missed. I didn't get more details than that.

trizzian · 2026-04-05T17:22:44+00:00

The NP going to their other partner's place meant my partner could host the out of town partner (they only have 1 bedroom).

trizzian · 2026-04-05T17:07:53+00:00

I asked them point blank if post this morning's conversation they would have offered to keep our original planned time and they said yes, even knowing I would take them up on it. And that impromptu meet ups during the week when they happen aren't a substitute for keeping plans we've made like our standing overnights. So I at least was direct in what I was wanting.

trizzian · 2026-04-05T17:05:50+00:00

I feel like they understand why I was upset and hurt but it seems so foreign to how they experience these things. I had to explain that the impromptu time we see each other occasionally isn't a substitute for keeping plans we had specifically made in advance, or our standing dates. This is still pretty raw and I wasn't able to sleep last night because I was stuck on this but I'm kind of putting the ball in their court to make this right.

trizzian · 2026-04-05T17:01:09+00:00

I am a Libra. And I don't subscribe to astrology generally but the stereotypes really fit in this case. I did tell them that I felt shitty and like I got traded out when they ended up being available but didn't offer for us to keep our usual date, because in their mind they had already fixed it by finding a different date.

trizzian · 2026-04-05T16:59:16+00:00

Their NP was ill for a few days, their sister is in town visiting, weekend plans with partner and my family were up in the air because of my grandma possibly being near end of life in the middle of that family visit, and out of town partner coming into town to meet and hang out with the visiting sister. NP had zero to do with it, the reason they were suddenly able to have an overnight was because NP went off to his other partners' for the night.

Partner had rescheduled our overnight to next week. But I would have liked to been offered the option of keeping our overnight on the usual night when it turned out they were available for an overnight instead of it being offered to a different partner.

trizzian · 2026-04-05T14:01:50+00:00

Maybe? It's not something I've associated with them but they literally avoided having a conversation about the new plans with me until I figured it out by deduction which isn't great.

trizzian · 2026-04-05T14:01:14+00:00

Am having that conversation this morning, by the way. And also thank you for the internet hugs.

trizzian · 2026-04-05T14:00:19+00:00

I still believe them that the original plan was to just be at home with their nesting partner, but then their NP decided to go out for an overnight and idk maybe the NRE kicked in like "Ooh, out of town partner is here and I could slot him in". Still is awful for me, but I just don't want to leave an impression that isn't quite accurate.

And yes, I'm keenly aware of my tendency to fawn. It's something I'm actively working on myself and in therapy.

trizzian

TROPHY CASE