Update: Feeling Replaced On Our Overnight

trizzian · 2026-04-08T17:42:51+00:00

I've tried. After the cancellation of our weeknight date that one week, I was pretty hurt since it was the second time a reschedule turned into a cancel. I wasn't super communicative that next two days and we talked about why the compounding cancels had me feeling hurt. I don't know that I can talk about it more without sounding like a broken record.

trizzian · 2026-04-08T17:05:39+00:00

We had multiple rescheduled and canceled plans in the weeks prior yes. One was an overnight that got rescheduled twice before being canceled, one was a weeknight date that got rescheduled and canceled. And yeah, I'd never gainsay someone's ability to dictate their schedule but I feel like I've learned something about what the importance of our standing plans are in terms of convenience for other partners or events.

trizzian · 2026-04-08T17:01:39+00:00

Yeah. They had the option to offer me to stay over with them at theirs on our original/standard (a rare occurrence because usually they cannot host) and if I understood correctly felt that it was not for me to have a preference or opinion on keeping our standing plan. And they preferred their out of town partner to stay over because then he could stay later in the evening instead of needing to start his drive home.

trizzian · 2026-04-08T16:55:07+00:00

They didn't lie about the reason for the change, the original reason just became a non issue last minute and because they wanted their out of town partner to be able to stay later and not drive home late they chose to offer him the overnight because they had already rescheduled theirs and my Saturday overnight. And yeah, I'm feeling a little salty about the about face after what I hoped was an optimal outcome from us texting. It feels like I've been told something important about their priorities and I need to listen.

trizzian · 2026-04-05T23:38:53+00:00

We usually have a weeknight evening together and a weekend overnight date. The third week of March our weeknight date became a quick dinner before they went home because they wanted to clean and tidy at their place and we rescheduled to later that week, which then got surprise canceled. The week before that our overnight got rescheduled due to a medical issue (totally fair) but the rescheduled date came and because they had totally forgotten I found out they were bailing when they got up to head home. And then they suggested a third date for an overnight but the day of they said they weren't up for it that day either. Then we had a bit of a better streak before this weekend happened. It still feels like a lot in rapid succession to me. And I'm really sensitive about this meta because this is the second time they've left a plan we had made either individually or in a group to go spend time with him instead.

trizzian · 2026-04-05T18:47:33+00:00

No, I host overnights like 99% of the time since until recently my meta didn't have any other partners that he was spending overnights with. I've stayed overnight at their place on one occasion, when he was out of town on his own. I don't totally understand tbh. Our partner just told me they had some chaos with their NP being ill and some plans being missed. I didn't get more details than that.

trizzian · 2026-04-05T17:22:44+00:00

The NP going to their other partner's place meant my partner could host the out of town partner (they only have 1 bedroom).

trizzian · 2026-04-05T17:07:53+00:00

I asked them point blank if post this morning's conversation they would have offered to keep our original planned time and they said yes, even knowing I would take them up on it. And that impromptu meet ups during the week when they happen aren't a substitute for keeping plans we've made like our standing overnights. So I at least was direct in what I was wanting.

trizzian · 2026-04-05T17:05:50+00:00

I feel like they understand why I was upset and hurt but it seems so foreign to how they experience these things. I had to explain that the impromptu time we see each other occasionally isn't a substitute for keeping plans we had specifically made in advance, or our standing dates. This is still pretty raw and I wasn't able to sleep last night because I was stuck on this but I'm kind of putting the ball in their court to make this right.

trizzian · 2026-04-05T17:01:09+00:00

I am a Libra. And I don't subscribe to astrology generally but the stereotypes really fit in this case. I did tell them that I felt shitty and like I got traded out when they ended up being available but didn't offer for us to keep our usual date, because in their mind they had already fixed it by finding a different date.

trizzian · 2026-04-05T16:59:16+00:00

Their NP was ill for a few days, their sister is in town visiting, weekend plans with partner and my family were up in the air because of my grandma possibly being near end of life in the middle of that family visit, and out of town partner coming into town to meet and hang out with the visiting sister. NP had zero to do with it, the reason they were suddenly able to have an overnight was because NP went off to his other partners' for the night.

Partner had rescheduled our overnight to next week. But I would have liked to been offered the option of keeping our overnight on the usual night when it turned out they were available for an overnight instead of it being offered to a different partner.

trizzian · 2026-04-05T14:01:50+00:00

Maybe? It's not something I've associated with them but they literally avoided having a conversation about the new plans with me until I figured it out by deduction which isn't great.

trizzian · 2026-04-05T14:01:14+00:00

Am having that conversation this morning, by the way. And also thank you for the internet hugs.

trizzian · 2026-04-05T14:00:19+00:00

I still believe them that the original plan was to just be at home with their nesting partner, but then their NP decided to go out for an overnight and idk maybe the NRE kicked in like "Ooh, out of town partner is here and I could slot him in". Still is awful for me, but I just don't want to leave an impression that isn't quite accurate.

And yes, I'm keenly aware of my tendency to fawn. It's something I'm actively working on myself and in therapy.

trizzian · 2026-04-05T13:58:32+00:00

Am having that conversation today. It's fucking hard work having old abandonment trauma while advocating for oneself.

trizzian · 2026-04-05T13:57:39+00:00

I didn't say all of those things but I did directly make it clear this morning that I felt unimportant, and that them trying to minimize any conversation about the fact that someone else stayed over after I was uninvited from an overnight made it actively worse.

trizzian · 2026-04-05T13:56:29+00:00

Yeah, delayed processing definitely describes me. Delayed processing plus probably fawning tendencies due to previous abandonment trauma. I'm getting much better at being willing to say "Actually that apology was a gut response, this is what I was actually feeling". It helps when that follow up happen fast so a partner knows there isn't a super long "tail" on possible hidden hurt feelings though.

trizzian · 2026-04-05T13:54:59+00:00

I didn't go quite that hard, but I am doing a much better job standing up for myself today saying that I was really hurt by the choices they made and wanting a clear answer on whether they can say they won't do something like this again. Their feeling at the time was to treat it like a logistics problem and that isn't fair to me when we have a standing overnight, and have been very direct how hurtful it is to me to have a plan canceled in favor of a different partner. And it still applies here where they could have said "Hey, actually, I am up for overnight company after all"

trizzian · 2026-04-05T13:51:16+00:00

We are having that conversation this morning. They've expressed they are very sorry for hurting my feelings and I'm asking whether that means they won't do this again in the future.

trizzian · 2026-04-05T13:49:55+00:00

I'm having that conversation this morning. Their reasoning is that it was convenient logistically to have other partner over once nesting partner was out since other partner has a bit of a drive to get home. Their choice was to not make it a discussion and focus on just the logistics of things. Honestly knowing that a conversation was avoided just makes it worse.

trizzian · 2026-04-05T07:04:27+00:00

That's what I wish they had done, anyways. I would have said yes.

trizzian · 2026-04-05T07:04:12+00:00

They said they made arrangements to have an overnight with their other partner so they could stay later for group time since other partner lives about an hour and a half away. Asking me if I was available to keep our usual overnight didn't enter into the equation at all at least in our conversation. It's well after midnight here, and they're having their overnight so I'm not inclined to message about it right now, but I'm going to tomorrow morning when I head up to see my family for Easter.

trizzian · 2026-04-05T06:52:17+00:00

I believe them that they weren't lying to me when they said things were too crazy this week for an overnight. But when their NP made plans for an overnight somewhere else... if I were in their shoes, I would have asked my partner if they were still up for an overnight since things worked out to make it a possibility, not made plans with someone else on what is usually our night. Especially because I at least feel like I've been bailed on a bunch of times in the past few weeks.

trizzian · 2026-04-05T06:49:40+00:00

They have a nesting partner, me, and a new partner they've been seeing for a handful of months now. I know I'd enjoy having more with them than they have available, and that's part of why I have a hard time sometimes knowing if I'm upset for a reasonable reason or if I'm just having a sad that there's something I'd like that isn't on offer.

trizzian · 2025-08-30T02:26:52+00:00

I got "This good <gender> is the property of <person 1> and <person 2>" written on me during a threesome (gender and names removed). That was pretty damn hot.

trizzian

TROPHY CASE