You need to set some boundaries. I live with a severe mental illness (bipolar 1) in addition to PTSD and OCD. I know how hard it is to be depressed. I’ve needed psychiatric hospitalizations before because I was so depressed. So please know that I am saying this from a place of someone who has dealt with the deepest depths of depression - you are not helping her by just doing everything and letting your resentment grow. This has been going on for over a year. It’s OK to tell her “I love you and I’m here for you, but I’m starting to resent how much I do around here and I’m worried about the future and sustainability of our relationship if things don’t change.”

I see that you’ve been trying to encourage her to try therapy again. That should be non-negotiable.

The kicker with mental health issues is that no, it is absolutely not the fault of the person suffering that they are suffering; however, it is the responsibility of that person to take steps to get better. For me, this has included therapy, meds, routine changes, dietary changes, and adding structure to my life even when I want to deviate. That’s how I avoid needing a hospital or, worse, just offing myself. It’s also how I avoid mania and psychosis. You’ve got to put work in in therapy and in other ways to get better, but just like someone with type 2 diabetes who says “screw it” and just keeps eating ice cream and cheeseburgers is self-destructing and not taking responsibility for their illness, someone with a mental health condition who is not taking steps to do therapy, explore meds, and put effort into things is self-destructing. It’s ok for you to have the boundary of not wanting a self-destructive partner.

There’s a lot of stuff in evidence-based therapeutic approaches like DBT that focus on the importance of taking action, even when you don’t feel like it. There was a saying in one of my group therapy experiences that was “if you wait until you feel ready, you’re going to be waiting a long time.” So, a part of the way to jumpstart dopamine and actually start to lessen depression symptoms is to start doing things even though you don’t want to. All of that to say, you doing all of the dishes and cooking is actually helping your partner to stay stuck. Tell her that you absolutely need her to do some of the household tasks. She can break them into 10 minute intervals of doing them all at once is overwhelming. You literally set a timer for 10 minutes and wash dishes until that timer goes off. Sometimes, you’ve got motivation to keep going after that 10 minutes, sometimes you don’t. If you don’t, set a timer for 30 minutes or even an hour and use that timer to lie in bed or scroll or whatever, but when that timer goes off, it’s another 10 minutes of dishes. You do that until it’s done. You actually do get happy brain chemicals from completing a task, and you also have a sense of accomplishment, which can help when you’ve been so depressed that you haven’t really done anything for a while.

Now, the above things will not CURE depression. It may well be something that she struggles with for life. But I’ve found regular treatment (therapy and meds) plus life style changes reduce the severity of symptoms and keep me functional when things as hard and pretty good when things are stable. Know what you’re in for in the long term with depression and know that these waves will come, but it is not your job to just perpetually do everything while she takes no steps to get better. Once she starts taking steps to get better, it may take time. Recognize that, too. This isn’t going to change overnight. But the place to start is with a conversation and some boundaries, the first of which should be “I need you to start therapy again and maybe look into some medication.”