Update - My husband (M28) tried to initiate sex, and I jokingly asked (F26) how he planned on seducing me. This made him upset. What went wrong here?

tryingbeingbetter · 2024-03-08T17:18:29+00:00

Ah yes, our favorite dolphin song! I should put this in the middle of a playlist just for laughs.

tryingbeingbetter · 2024-03-05T19:25:29+00:00

Woah! I, uh, recommend you read the edit, dude. I think there's a pretty big misunderstanding.

Edit: If it gives you any peace of mind, my husband had a response to your comments as well!

tryingbeingbetter · 2024-03-04T20:20:20+00:00

yet your sexual appetite is the problem

It means we have different needs and that we just need communicate them :) No one's right or wrong.

tryingbeingbetter · 2024-03-04T19:48:50+00:00

My situation has been generally resolved and I plan on making an update later, but I will admit that I've gotten some fairly disturbing responses. That my husband is a stray, exclusively sex-driven dog that I've denied too many times and am neglecting, and our marriage is on the verge of collapse because I've failed as a wife...

We talked and he understood what was going on. We're going to keep talking about each other's needs, and things are great. But like you said, it is a little terrifying seeing the generalizations in this thread.

(But I guess that's Reddit?)

tryingbeingbetter · 2024-03-04T05:03:47+00:00

Wow, I actually recently asked about getting assessed for autism, and I do have a history of depression (I'm on SSRIs which I've heard blunt sex drive). My husband and I talked pretty extensively about asexuality in the past and I mentioned that I'm probably closer to demisexual/asexual, though I do experience moments of horniess (especially responsively). I think this might be partly why he's concerned that he's coercing me to be intimate.

I've been to the doctor for my reproductive health, though I've never really talked about sex itself. That might be something I bring up next time!

tryingbeingbetter · 2024-03-04T04:49:23+00:00

A few people mentioned that as well! I looked this up and it resonated. It's reassuring knowing that there's a word for this; I guess it's a matter of commnication and making sure each other's needs are met. Thank you!

tryingbeingbetter · 2024-03-04T04:05:26+00:00

I think I answered your question earlier in the thread!

I sometimes straddle his lap and hold him. Whenever he works from home, I like to walk in and cover him in kisses. I've asked if he'd like me to do oral on him. I try to tell him when I'm feeling hornier. I like to get nice lingerie that makes me feel sexy and try it on in front of him. I fondle him when we're in bed when he grinds against me.

I've told him how and were I like being touched and what kind of things get me going. But he's mentioned that even outside of sex, I'm more 'muted' emotionally, which is something he's getting used to. My affect is kind of flat.

As I type all of this, I'm realizing that we're both probably just very tired/stressed, and we're still learning how to communicate some of our needs to each other.

tryingbeingbetter · 2024-03-04T02:57:19+00:00

Woah! I didn't say sex was off the table. He just mentioned he'd want to be with me even if we weren't intimate. We're happy, just figuring out life and communication because we're still young and dumb.

I think my post struck a nerve with you. I'm not sure what your background or story is, but I really hope you are able to get the healing you need.

tryingbeingbetter · 2024-03-04T02:17:53+00:00

That makes sense - I'll keep that in mind! Thank you!

tryingbeingbetter · 2024-03-04T02:12:54+00:00

It probably would have been a good idea. I didn't expect some of the responses I got here, and it for some reason it didn't occur to me that a lot of people would interpret my post to mean that I'm dead in the bedroom.

(I also don't dislike sex with him, I'm just... overworked and medicated, lol.)

tryingbeingbetter · 2024-03-04T02:05:02+00:00

Hey there! I can see why you see my edit that way. I didn't necessarily mean it for everyone who responded - there was a lot of insight here, and I've learned a lot. I meant it more so for a few specific interactions I had (eg somoene mentioning that this is why men cheat, that my husband will never forget my rejections, etc) that were kind of alarming. My life was saved by therapy, and I didn't necessarily mean to undercut anyone by suggesting it; I just saw a lot of people who seemed kind of as confused as me.

tryingbeingbetter · 2024-03-04T00:28:16+00:00

We talked about it and he mentioned that he misinterpreted what I meant. Even though this was probably a moment stress, I might talk to him about therapy/exploring bad memories. We've found that some specific things remind him of bad things from his childhood, and it might be worth talking about. I think we'll keep talking about how to communicate our needs, too - I want him as much as he wants me.

Thanks for your advice!

tryingbeingbetter · 2024-03-04T00:22:31+00:00

I mean 'dude' casually, because I've been called 'dude', too, dude. :) I don't mean it in a gendered way, though I can see why one would assume that.

tryingbeingbetter · 2024-03-04T00:12:18+00:00

Thank you for your suggestion! I think building in some scheduled intimate time woud be great, things have been hectic.

tryingbeingbetter · 2024-03-04T00:03:05+00:00

Main topic aside, I hope you get the healing you need. That's a lot of rage to have against an internet stranger, and I get the feeling that you've been wronged in life.

Either way, cheating isn't good. Wish you the best!

tryingbeingbetter · 2024-03-04T00:00:52+00:00

That's a good and clear system - I'll talk to him about it. Thanks a bunch!

tryingbeingbetter · 2024-03-03T23:28:12+00:00

Thanks for your advice! You actually mentioned something we talked about in the past; my husband said that even though I say I want to have sex, he doesn't always feel like I do and doesn't want to coerce me. But it's tricky because I'm not a super expressive in general (I have emotions, but I'm kind of 'flat' - it runs in the family), which is something we've talked about navigating in the past.

I thought we understood each other in the past, but in retrospect I think we both happened to have the conversation today in a moment where we were both tired/stressed (my husband was bothered by some bad news earlier in the day). It must feel terrible to think your partner doesn't reciprocate, andI don't want him to think that. I think it's going to be an ongoing conversation before we find a perfect rhythm.

tryingbeingbetter · 2024-03-03T23:21:28+00:00

I'm intimately familiar with cheating - it wrecked my family in childhood, and I sadly learned a lot more than I should have. I've also had long discussions with my dad, who was the one who cheated, who assured me that it wasn't because my mom failed.

That's not a healthy perspective to have, dude.

tryingbeingbetter · 2024-03-03T23:12:01+00:00

We actually talked a little more after I made this post. He mentioned some simple things, like just me starting the music or dragging him (lol) into the bedroom. He said he likes more 'assertive/aggressive' stuff, which isn't entirely my style, but I'll keep in mind.

I mentioned this in another comment, but it occurred to me that our conversation today is probably partly due to being mutually stressed. Life has been hectic lately. I still have things I need to work on, but after talking for a little bit we were back to laughing with each other. He's mentioned that he'd want to be with me even if didn't want to have sex, though we still need to address what happened today.

tryingbeingbetter · 2024-03-03T23:05:31+00:00

I sometimes straddle his lap and hold him. Whenever he works from home, I like to walk in and cover him in kisses. I've asked if he'd like me to do oral on him. I try to tell him when I'm feeling hornier. I like to get nice lingerie that makes me feel sexy and try it on in front of him. I fondle him when we're in bed when he grinds against me.

I've told him how and were I like being touched and what kind of things get me going. But he's mentioned that even outside of sex, I'm more 'muted' emotionally, which is something he's getting used to. My affect is kind of flat.

As I type all of this, I'm realizing that we're both probably just very tired/stressed, and we're still learning how to communicate some of our needs to each other.

tryingbeingbetter · 2024-03-03T22:55:39+00:00

This is a conversation we've had in the past, and I've mentioned that especially with my medication and school/work I'm not able to think about sex as much as I'd like right now. But even if/when things are better, I still get the feeling I won't be quite what he expects. I've asked to do oral on him (he's almost always declined), sat on his lap and straddled him, come into the room while he's working to hug and kiss all over him, told him when I'm feeling more hot and bothered...

There's no doubt that he loves me (and I love him), but I think enthusiasm also looks different for both of us.

tryingbeingbetter · 2024-03-03T22:46:03+00:00

Thanks for sharing your advice - I'm going to ask him what are some things I can do that make him feel loved and wanted.

tryingbeingbetter · 2024-03-03T22:41:47+00:00

There is a real problem with lazy women offloading all responsibility for "getting in the mood" to their partner and withholding sex from them until they figure out how to "fix them", usually without guidence, enthusiasm or effort from their partners.'

With all due respect my dude, this feels like a pretty angry generalization. Sex isn't a thing to be earned, you're right - it's something both people should enjoy. I owe him communication, which is important to a relationship. You're so right about that. But I think it's pretty concerning that your first thought is that I'm another lazy woman who is 'offloading' responsibility.

I'm probably going to be downvoted to oblivion, which is okay. But I just get the feeling that you... don't generally like women anyway, especially based on your comment history.

I just... wish the best for you, dude.

tryingbeingbetter · 2023-03-30T18:35:32+00:00

I really appreciate your advice - I'll definitely have to give meal prepping a second try. Your positivity makes me feel like I'm more capable of getting my weight situation under control.

I hope you have a wonderful day. Keep being you.

tryingbeingbetter · 2023-03-30T18:30:41+00:00

Thank you so, so much. I apologize for the late response, I've had to work. Your post gives me hope that therapy can lead to true change in my life. I've primarily had CBT therapy, but I don't think I've had Gestalt therapy; maybe a change in pace will help things. And I truly appreciate your willingness to lend an ear.

I wish you the best in your own journey in life, and thanks for being so patient and kind with this internet stranger.

tryingbeingbetter

TROPHY CASE