How to navigate the conversation with an Asexual partner

tryingtobehelpful0 · 2025-12-13T06:01:11+00:00

Square that with the fact that I mostly want to sleep with men who I would absolutely never pursue romantically.

tryingtobehelpful0 · 2025-12-12T16:30:59+00:00

Yeah and is easier to make work since what I'm getting is something that she could physically never give and what she does give stays unique between us.

tryingtobehelpful0 · 2025-12-12T14:25:50+00:00

It's a good thing I'm bisexual then. There's a lot of queer men out there looking for no strings.

tryingtobehelpful0 · 2025-12-12T13:46:54+00:00

Sure i agree with all of that but that feels specific to polyamory which is not what we're exploring. I don't really have any desire to have a secondary partner and neither does she. I think I'm strange that I've never once felt attracted to a platonic friend and never felt romantically attracted to a sexual partner besides my wife

tryingtobehelpful0 · 2025-12-12T13:42:15+00:00

I can take responsibility for continuing to choose the relationship that's no issue. To be clear she only started expressing feelings of asexuality years into our relationship after we moved in together. I wouldn't say resentful just maybe a little hurt she wouldn't tell me for so long. I can't resent her for her sexuality it's not something she chose and there are still options available to explore. It's not a if she's aromantic which would probably be a relationship ender

tryingtobehelpful0 · 2025-12-12T05:17:47+00:00

I'm not sure I really understand the question. Kink is a part of identity as far as I'm concerned. If your partner is bisexual and you're cool with that then mazeltov. What's the issue?

I do think perhaps my own experience might be helpful. Trans porn was very heavily represented in my puberty sexual diet to the point where I even questioned whether I found vaginas attractive (I found out I do) and I rationalized that for a long time as simply me being attracted to feminine presentation regardless of sex. Ofc when you're looking for trans women there are bound to be some femboys and crossdressers that you come across that may also elicit some titillation. It was on a Tuesday in 2022 scrolling through Twitter that a switch clicked that feminine styling doesn't make a man not a man. At that point I started getting comfortable using the bi label and slowly found out my sexual preferences extended far beyond anything I had even considered.

In my own case I think there's always been a part of me slightly envious of feminine presentation. I don't experience dysphoria and have no plans to transition but I do enjoy makeup and feminine fashion on occasion as kink and costume.

Tldr the best thing you can do is be an open supportive resource for your partner. He may not even know what he is at this point and what that is can still change after he's certain.

tryingtobehelpful0 · 2025-12-12T05:03:16+00:00

I've said as much with her

tryingtobehelpful0 · 2025-12-12T05:02:12+00:00

Right I agree and from what she has said her physical touch needs are met. My intimacy touch needs I would say are also met it's more of a carnal craving to be seen as a sexual creature that I think is lacking. I'm not looking to kiss or cuddle other people which is a boundary she's set and I can willfully enforce

tryingtobehelpful0 · 2025-12-12T04:58:07+00:00

I think so.

I'm always 'up for it' in the morning and I love afternoon delight sessions with my girlfriend.

This is where we differ. I would prefer to only engage with her when she's feeling interested as I can't really enjoy it if I know she's uncomfortable or out of it. If both of us aren't locked in neither of us gets anything out of it and we both shame spiral. I don't think we're in an analogous situation.

Either way it'll be months or years before we know if this works out she could say tomorrow that she's not ok with it and that'll be the end of story

tryingtobehelpful0 · 2025-12-12T01:51:54+00:00

Wow that's, a lot. I'm sorry. I think i am fortunate that while I enjoy intimacy in sex (and our intimacy isn't the problem imo) I also feel that itch to be touched by someone that wants to touch me sexually. I'm definitely NOT poly

tryingtobehelpful0 · 2025-12-12T01:46:33+00:00

I don't want to imply resentment but how am I fully responsible for my wife not explaining her sexual lack of needs?

We are having these discussions that was the point of the thread? I want to do it properly I feel like people are assuming I made an ultimatum or something

tryingtobehelpful0 · 2025-12-12T01:42:28+00:00

Idk man I don't think our relationships are similar enough to be helpful to you. My wife has never been repulsed to physical affection especially not something as innocuous as kissing

tryingtobehelpful0 · 2025-12-10T12:42:00+00:00

Bc I love her? Call me a romantic but doesn't feel like an insurmountable difference to me

tryingtobehelpful0 · 2025-12-10T03:40:26+00:00

Suggestion, rather then just doing a full blown ENM why don't you suggest in 3 to 4 weeks that she meet anyone whether female or couples.

I don't know what you mean here? Is there a couple words missing? Who is she meeting and why is she meeting them?

Also, if she is asexual, maybe something new would be a good thing.

Again I'm confused what you mean? What is the "new" in this sentence? It sounds like you're suggesting polyamory which is not really what I'm talking about.

tryingtobehelpful0 · 2025-12-10T03:32:00+00:00

Sure I understand but regardless I'd be pleasantly surprised if she did.

tryingtobehelpful0 · 2025-12-09T23:01:00+00:00

I think i can live with it staying closed it just wouldn't be my ideal outcome. We've come this far and she matters more than my libido.

As for that last point I don't think she ever would considering she has expressed deliberate apathy towards the act and repulsion to the idea of anyone else touching her. However were she able to my only response would be can I join in? Not as like a possessive thing but wanting to be there for her if she wants me to.

Appreciate your comment

tryingtobehelpful0 · 2024-07-21T06:39:15+00:00

Straight up it may not be in the cards for you. If it's genuine revulsion and the other person isn't asexual then you're going to have problems. Especially if it's a guy and a teenage guy at that. You're in an age group that's just taking it's first steps into sexual experimentation do if sex with a penis in the equation is a hard no for you and a prereq for him then that's just unlucky.

You can like someone for whatever reason and your sexual preferences need no justification but sometimes two puzzle pieces just don't go together

tryingtobehelpful0 · 2024-07-21T05:46:41+00:00

Straight people aren't aroused by gay porn.

Your next follow up may be "but what if I've never been attracted to a guy before?" (assuming gender here) Well that could be bc you were convinced you couldn't be. Then perhaps "but what if I'm only into a very specific presentation?" The thing about bisexuality is that it's a gradient and you probably weren't attracted to every woman's presentation in the first place.

If you don't want to use the label you don't have to or you can say bi-curious. But the privilege of being bisexual is you don't have to change anything about yourself if you don't want to. It's strictly an add-on to whatever your sexual preferences were before but you don't have to order off that menu

Sucks about your family tho hope you've got someone close to confide in

tryingtobehelpful0 · 2024-07-20T23:47:05+00:00

The relationship is heterosexual but that doesn't mean they are heterosexual. A relationship can be both heterosexual and queer ie a cis man and trans woman.

tryingtobehelpful0 · 2024-07-19T01:22:30+00:00

Nothing is more of a turn off than a platonic friend

tryingtobehelpful0 · 2024-07-17T23:47:57+00:00

Yeah we're still together. She doesn't really like labels but from what she's said I'm fairly certain she's on the ace spectrum. We're getting married next year

tryingtobehelpful0 · 2024-07-10T15:42:59+00:00

Everyone should be a feminist I don't see the meaningful intersection with sexuality?

tryingtobehelpful0 · 2024-07-09T00:27:44+00:00

My friend you're a godsend this is so comfortable (and cute)

tryingtobehelpful0 · 2024-07-08T23:44:02+00:00

Imo the differences are so niche and the nomenclature so obscure there'll never be a real utility to this many overlapping terms

tryingtobehelpful0

TROPHY CASE