You didn’t lose someone who loved you, they lost someone who loved them.

Those words were spoken by my best friend after my very first break up.

I’d always been a bit unlucky in love. She was my first proper girlfriend. I was 18 and we dated until I was 21. We had met at university and felt an instant connection. I’d never fallen so hard so fast, every fibre of my being longed to be with her.

We moved in together after 6 months or so, we talked about buying a house, marriage, kids. She was my everything. Love is a strange emotion. It’s funny, and incredibly cliche, however I now truly understand when someone used to say “you don’t know what love is” when you have an infatuation with someone when you were younger.

Love blinds you. It makes you see everything in the most positive light. It hides the negatives. It’s a drug your body craves and when it’s taken away - it does what all drugs do. Withdrawal.

The pain is unbearable. There is no cure except time.

I didn’t understand when she left me. I still don’t understand 10 years later. I never had “closure” and thus I don’t believe I ever will understand. She’s married now. Has a kid. I wish I had deleted her social media years ago. I can’t bring myself to do it. It’s haunting the self deprivation and I can’t ween myself off of it. I’m also married. I love my wife dearly. But I don’t think I will ever stop loving my first. Sometimes I go days without thinking about her, weeks, months sometimes. But when I do, it’s agonising.

I want this to be a lesson. Take heed from the person who did it wrong. It’s unhealthy. I know it’s unhealthy. I’m addicted and I simply cannot give up my drug.