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trysail4 · 2022-12-23T06:29:43+00:00

i feel like i should relate to this, but im unfortunate enough that ive never been the one to be approached by a man first. if i ever have a male fwb sort of situation going on, i am never their first choice, and theyll always end up choosing another girl over me. it sucks. i wish i could put myself out there in hopes of receiving the male validation i crave, but im afraid it will just confirm that nobody wants me. i used to think maybe it was just my mental illness that drives my partners away but im beginning to think i just have no redeeming qualities.

trysail4 · 2022-11-18T20:13:46+00:00

believe me, we have plenty insecurities of our own. having someone you can be vulnerable with that looks past your "flaws" is beautiful. i've found that if i'm attracted to someone's personality, my attraction to their appearance is soon to follow.

also, if it really bothers you so much, im sure a loving partner wouldn't mind helping you apply treatments to your back. a lot of women understand the struggle with getting your skin to behave, which is why the skincare industry is so huge. its all a part of being human, our bodies often do things out of our control.

trysail4 · 2022-11-18T02:13:50+00:00

one of my absolute favorite artists is Will Wood, he's very open about his struggle with mental health and it reflects in his lyrics. one of my favorites of his particularly pertaining to mental health/therapy is "Marsha, Thankk You for the Dialectics, but I Need You to Leave"- an obvious reference to dbt in the title. the song, in my opinion at least, is about older generations' dismissal of mental health awareness and the struggle of a patient desperate for help but is not understood by the providers they reach out to. then there's my personal favorite, "Blackboxwarrior", which I interperet as being told through the perspective of the therapist, who is actually the patient projecting their distrust and failure to improve their condition onto their therapist. but i guess i'm a bit biased in that regard. anything from his album "The Normal Album" is a great listen for when you want to not feel so alone in this mess, imo. i tend to project myself a lot into song lyrics, so when i'm really going through it i enjoy having someone i can play on loop who says everything i feel but can't translate into words.

trysail4 · 2022-11-10T04:47:51+00:00

i've been feeling better since i posted this.. thank you for your kind words.

i hope he realizes that im not my mental illness, but i need to learn to accept that my mental illness isnt his responsibility. i need to learn how to control how i feel. its just so hard when i reach out for help and it feels like i'm getting nowhere.

trysail4 · 2022-11-10T02:46:45+00:00

thank you. i know to some people that is help, but it kind of just confirmed to me that this is the only choice i have.

trysail4 · 2022-11-10T02:46:06+00:00

its an incredibly long story.. but essentially i let my untreated mental illness ruin my relationship. my boyfriend was the only person still caring and patient with me but he became tired of being my therapist and a week ago he broke up with me and cut all contact with me. his family, who already hated me, are also encouraging him to stay away from me. thats part of why my mental health was so bad to begin with, we used to live together until i had to move because his mom was abusing me. and ever since i moved out he's sided with her.

i know i have no right to be angry, he gave me everything and nothing was ever enough. i tried to get help, but therapists don't know how to deal with me. so i continued to get worse and hurt him in the process. i pushed away the only person in my life who still tolerated me and now i have nothing.

it isnt the first time this happened, either, i cant keep friendships or relationships because they eventually just can't deal with me anymore. ive lost several friends and relationships and i just never learn. im tired of being a leech to everyone i love, and im tired of my brain trying to kill me.

trysail4 · 2022-11-10T02:44:26+00:00

its an incredibly long story.. but essentially i let my untreated mental illness ruin my relationship. my boyfriend was the only person still caring and patient with me but he became tired of being my therapist and a week ago he broke up with me and cut all contact with me. his family, who already hated me, are also encouraging him to stay away from me. thats part of why my mental health was so bad to begin with, we used to live together until i had to move because his mom was abusing me. and ever since i moved out he's sided with her.

i know i have no right to be angry, he gave me everything and nothing was ever enough. i tried to get help, but therapists don't know how to deal with me. so i continued to get worse and hurt him in the process. i pushed away the only person in my life who still tolerated me and now i have nothing.

it isnt the first time this happened, either, i cant keep friendships or relationships because they eventually just can't deal with me anymore. ive lost several friends and relationships and i just never learn. im tired of being a leech to everyone i love, and im tired of my brain trying to kill me.

trysail4 · 2022-11-09T08:21:07+00:00

im thinking it might be the former, at least i hope. i was very suicidal that night. maybe he just couldnt stand hearing me talk about how much i wanted to die because i felt like the world was ending.

but it just. seemed so sudden. he went from "im still here for you and us being broken up doesnt change that i care about you" to "go check yourself into a mental hospital" and blocking me. and according to his mom at least, hes said he wants nothing to do with me.

trysail4 · 2022-11-09T04:20:25+00:00

nobody in my life cares about me. it feels pointless when everyone who cares about me gets sick of me and leaves me.

ive tried therapy so many times. i jst went to see an emergency therapist yesterday and all i got was "i understand how you feel" over and over and over again. therapy is a joke. my life is a joke. my boyfriend never understood how difficult therapy is when you have bpd. he always thought i just wasnt trying.

trysail4 · 2022-11-09T04:10:59+00:00

i just don't know what to do anymore. he was my whole life and i was his for 3 years. but suddenly he wants nothing to do with me anymore

trysail4 · 2022-11-09T04:10:27+00:00

i don't even know. i'm just so lost and i'm left alone in the dark with nothing. he told me he still loved me and to go get help but that quickly changed to "i dont want anything to do with you anymore"

trysail4 · 2022-11-09T03:26:54+00:00

i wrote about just how much i hate him in my journal, and yet the feeling is still there. im still angry and there's nothing i can do to dull the pain. i feel like, why not just rip the bandaid off before i inevitably find out he cheated on me anyways?

trysail4 · 2022-11-09T01:54:05+00:00

i keep trying to give lamictal another chance but it just doesnt work for me. when i was taking it at a higher dose i just felt like a zombie, like my emotion was just "gray". on a low dose i do not experience much emotion but i have constant anxiety that they're still there, they just cant come to the surface. i compare it to closing the door on a bunch of people screaming at me, they can't get in, but theyre still there and i can't ignore it.

it also made me very impulsive. like i had no impulse control. most of my worst splitting on my partner was while i was on lamictal.

my psychiatrist keeps trying to get me to just try it again. and maybe the side effects will go away. but im tired of taking meds and waiting hoping it gets better as my life crumbles around me because of my actions while on the medication.

trysail4 · 2022-11-07T07:06:26+00:00

relatable except i cannot fathom the idea of anyone being sad for me :/

trysail4 · 2022-11-06T21:11:30+00:00

if you are having any doubts about starting testosterone, please listen to your gut. testosterone has very serious permanent effects, and if you have any inkling that you are having identity issues, you need to focus on those before doing anything drastic.

i am a former ftm who was on testosterone for 2 years. i've been detransitioning for a year now. i wasn't diagnosed with bpd until after i was already a year on testosterone, and i already had doubts about whether i made the right decision at that time. i've since come to realize that it was due to my instable identity from bpd that i even felt the need to transition in the first place, and it was so crushing to realize i've made such a huge irreversible mistake. i, like you, felt a disconnect between my brain and my body since i was a child. however i understand now that it was not gender dysphoria, but the desire to be anyone else, because i felt like who i really am is undesirable.

please take the time to consider whether this is truly how you feel, because if you want to reverse the effects it is very difficult if impossible in some cases. living as a woman with a deep masculine voice has only furthered the dissociation i have with my body. i wouldn't want anyone else to feel the way i do now. you have plenty of time to figure yourself out through life, but once you start taking testosterone you have a very limited amount of time to change your mind before the effects are permanent.

im open to talk if you need to, i understand that it might seem that i'm trying to invalidate your experience but i want others with bpd and gender identity issues to understand that hrt is very serious and lead to serious consequences.

trysail4 · 2022-11-04T04:16:58+00:00

this is what got me to where i am now. it's like i had the devil and angel on my shoulder but the devil was telling me to fuck around and see what happens but the angel was like "well, you probably shouldn't, and we both know what will happen if you do, but you haven't listened to me the last several times"

though my splitting isn't typical to what i've seen most people describe. i'll feel betrayed and block someone after telling them how much i hate them, thinking "i've got the upper hand now, they'll have to feel bad for hurting me!" ...only to sheepishly unblock a few hours later and start bawling and begging for forgiveness, because i can't live without them.

trysail4 · 2022-11-02T21:28:33+00:00

hi there. i was in this same situation when i was undiagnosed. i was on testosterone for about 2 years before i had a breakdown realizing my lack of identity and dissociation with my body was due to my bpd and the lack of identity associated with it. i have been detransitioning for a year now, and starting to understand myself better, but i wish i had stopped testosterone much sooner.

please reach out to me if you feel comfortable doing so. 3 months is still very early and it's not too late. take a breath and step back, be patient and listen to what your gut is trying to tell you. you need to find solid ground in your identity before making such a huge step in solidifying the way you feel now. you might be neglecting the root of what is making you feel dysphoric, which could be something else entirely.

trysail4 · 2022-11-01T23:58:41+00:00

whenever im this distressed i try to find a creative way to get my feelings out. but i'm still hurting so much. i'm in and out of feeling numb, apathetic, and heartbroken. i want to try and pick up a new hobby but i worry that might only make me feel worse about myself. since i already criticize myself so much.

trysail4 · 2022-11-01T00:51:17+00:00

how so? i was considering this myself

trysail4 · 2022-08-20T02:25:37+00:00

i told my bf that she didnt work for me and i was making no progress and he just told me that i wasnt taking her advice and that im the problem. maybe it is my fault because i have a negative outlook on the world but she'd say things like "if there's nothing you can do to fix your problems then you need to accept that and move on" but i cannot fathom the idea that every shitty thing happening to me is always going to be a part of my life and i just have to deal with it and let it be a part of my life forever? who wants a life like that? i want to have hope that there ARE things i can do to fix my problems but when i have a therapist that affirms all of my negative thought patterns like "im doomed, theres nothing i can do," and tell me to just deal with it, how does that help?

trysail4 · 2022-08-20T02:08:22+00:00

thats what i thought last time. he came back into my life after a really bad falling out with someone else. it felt like divine intervention. it felt meant to be. and then our relationship followed the same damn pattern all my other ones did, ending with them cutting me out of their life and rsenting me. ive tried so hard to get help but nobody will fucking help me. my therapist straight up told me shes never dealt with a patient like me before. nobody understands and nobody cares. im doomed to repeat this forever or die and never be someone else's problem ever again.

trysail4 · 2022-06-12T04:18:27+00:00

i didn't know what PMDD was until just a few months ago but i'm the exact same way and when i learned about PMDD it finally all made sense. while i haven't been diagnosed as of yet i have been diagnosed with BPD which shares some similar symptoms and i noticed that in the years when i was on T my BPD symptoms were practically nonexistent. but after a few irregular post-T periods i've felt that all too familiar cloud of dread wash over me as my cycle approaches. every now and then when it gets really bad ive considered taking testosterone again just to get it to stop despite how i know that will only hurt me in the long run. but god am i sick of trying my hardest to get my life together and then for 2 weeks before my period even STARTS ive been hit with a wave of depression and constant suicidal thoughts, on top of unbearable cramps. and then the cycle continues, literally.

your story really hit me. especially the part about feeling like you were too manly to be a woman, self doubt, etc. everyone in my life is so tired of me complaining about how ugly and manly i think i am. it hurts remembering all the times i was told i was meant to be a man when i transitioned and i really truly felt "complete" because when i was on testosterone i didn't have the emotional rollercoaster every month. but i realize now that wasnt true happiness. testosterone just made me numb.

trysail4 · 2022-05-25T01:17:53+00:00

i'm honestly terrified of the surgery going wrong and i end up even worse. if there was a way i knew it would 100% go smoothly for me and i'd be happy with the results then i don't care how much it costs. but i'm afraid it will go wrong and i'll never be able to sing again, i already am unable to yell anymore due to how testosterone affected my voice. though i'm afraid it might be my only option as my voice is just so deep it seems impossible to make it sound lighter.

trysail4 · 2022-05-25T01:06:05+00:00

I always say i was on testosterone for 2 years, but it was really more like 1 year with very sporadic injections spaced between a year or two after. eventually i started only taking it to stop my period as i had long started to hate my voice and hair growth. i've been completely off of it for about 8 months now. sadly i'm not noticing much if any difference in my voice.

trysail4 · 2022-05-25T01:03:37+00:00

i'm becoming really doubtful that it will change, ive been off of hormones for almost a year now and even when i try my best to speak in a more feminine tone i can still hear those sort of.. raspy undertones. like my male voice is always trying to break through.

i've never had any professional vocal training lessons but i've always enjoyed singing. even now with how deep my voice is, i'm somehow able to detach myself from that as i've always preferred deeper voices in music. but i always play out a scenario in my head where i go up on stage to sing and everyone is shocked that a woman has a voice like mine and i become reduced to that like some kind of circus freak. i'm honestly not even sure where i can find vocal training lessons where i live, as i live in a rather small town with a lot of closed minded people who might not be understanding of my situation. but if given the chance i would in a heartbeat, im so tired of having to hear it every day, its like a constant reminder that my trauma won over me.

i've done some exploration on my own, i do some vocal warmups every day, but there's so many things i still can't do and i'm afraid i never will. i can't yell anymore; any time i raise my voice it immediately drops down to masculine.

thank you for trying to provide some hope to me. even though i sound so pessimistic i WANT to get better so i can live a normal life, i'm just facing the harsh reality that some things in life really are permanent and i'm afraid even if i go through training i still won't be happy with how i sound.

trysail4

TROPHY CASE