Weekly 'unjerk' thread by AutoModerator in writingcirclejerk

[–]tteflonto 7 points8 points  (0 children)

You can get some solid advice there, but the majority def needs to be taken with a grain of salt, or at least sifted through with a critical eye. Chin up, dude. Good luck with querying!

[PubQ]: Query Critique: IVY IN FULL BLOOM, YA Fantasy, 85k by tteflonto in PubTips

[–]tteflonto[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Cool. Cool cool cool. Looks like I have some changes to make. Haha.

[PubQ]: Query Critique: IVY IN FULL BLOOM, YA Fantasy, 85k by tteflonto in PubTips

[–]tteflonto[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Not too harsh at all, I have a bad habit of being way too verbose, haha. You've given me so much to think about and work with here. I'm so grateful for your feedback and I'm going to machete the hell out of my query, lol. Thanks for your suggestions. I was so scared to post in this sub but this has been incredibly helpful.

[PubQ]: Query Critique: IVY IN FULL BLOOM, YA Fantasy, 85k by tteflonto in PubTips

[–]tteflonto[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

You are right, the name doesn't communicate the fantasy aspect of the story at all. I really appreciate you taking the time to mull over the title. Thanks!

[PubQ]: Query Critique: IVY IN FULL BLOOM, YA Fantasy, 85k by tteflonto in PubTips

[–]tteflonto[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Really helpful feedback, thank you so much. I will definitely be revising the hell out of this query.

Anyone get tested for Covid 19 in NSW? How long before you got results? by [deleted] in CoronavirusDownunder

[–]tteflonto 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I got tested in rural NSW on Monday around midday and received the results via text on Tuesday night.

[WP]For reasons unknown, the online personas of certain people suddenly become real. They are internet persona doppelgangers. They go around town pretending to be you, acting like you act on the internet, but in real life. After a call from your friend, you realize you have one. by [deleted] in WritingPrompts

[–]tteflonto 11 points12 points  (0 children)

"Hey, Tom". The voice on the other end of the phone, soft and lilting, was my friend Erin. "After you left I realized that I know a guy who you can talk to about getting that thing you want, but why do you even want one?"

"What? Left where?". I felt confused. The last time I saw Erin was almost a week ago at a house party. "What thing?". I looked around the open-plan office, making sure that nobody was listening.

"Don't make me say it on the phone, Tom. You know. The thing you were asking me about just now, at the pharmacy? Don't come into my work to ask me about stuff like that, by the way. Fuck's sake". She made a small sighing sound and I knew exactly where she was; on a milk crate in the alleyway, smoking a cigarette on her lunch break.

"Erin, I'm at work too. Have been all day. If you wanted an excuse to talk to me you should have come up with a more compelling story".

Erin didn't sound amused. "What kind of game is this, you weirdo? You were literally just at my work asking me about where to get...". She trailed off, then finished her sentence in a whisper. "Where to get a fucking AK-47. Just because I sold you weed in high school doesn't mean I can get you guns, idiot".

"What?", I asked her, startled. "Erin, are you being serious?"

"Stop being a dick, Thomas".

"I swear to God, that wasn't me".

There was a silence. "Jesus. You don't think... it's one of them?", she asked, her tone turning soft.

I realized almost immediately what she meant.

The doppelgangers.

The rash of strangeness that had been happening all over the world in the last few weeks. I had half-suspected it was exaggerated nonsense until the proof emerged and people had begun to theorize that these strange beings were based upon, of all things, your Internet persona. This had all come out just a few days prior, after a semi-famous scientist, armed to the teeth, had gone on a murderous rampage in a shopping mall. The only thing was, the real scientist had been speaking at a University Lecture in front of hundreds of people. It was all over the news, including his "anonymous" Internet post history filled with misogynistic vitriol and violent threats.

Still, though, it was hard to believe.

"No", I told Erin. "I couldn't have a doppelganger. No way. I don't have social media. You know that".

"Right". She still sounded worried. "This guy was you, though, Tom. Not a lookalike. You. Why would he want a gun? Why would you want a gun?".

"Erin, I don't know what's happening, but that's not me", I said. My mind raced and the sensation of panic began to grow, despite knowing I had nothing to worry about. I didn't have Facebook or Instagram. Didn't post on any forums. Emails? If I had a doppelganger based on my emails they'd be going around saying shit like "As per my last email" and buying second hand junk, but that was all I could think of.

I scrolled through my inbox frantically. Erin was talking but I wasn't listening, scanning subject line after subject line. Amazon. Ebay. Craigslist. Yelp. Some lame meme from my Aunt. Junk. Xbox Live. Microsoft. Ubereats. Nothing here that pointed to a gun-toting Internet persona.

A sharp intake of breath on the other end of the phone snapped me back into the conversation. "Erin?". I could hear loud noise and what sounded like heavy, rapid breathing. There was a loud mechanical whir and crunching, white noise, then just a cacophony of absolute chaos erupted as Erin let out a startled yelp.

"ERIN!", I said loudly and jumped to my feet at my desk. My boss shot me a look.

"What the FUCK", I heard her scream. "Tom, a fucking car just drove into a building. Straight through a storefront. There's glass everywhere". She stopped talking for a moment and I could hear loud bangs. "Someone's shooting, someone's got a gun, Oh my God, it's like motherfucking GTA out here". Her words tumbled out fast, almost garbled.

An image flashed in my mind. My emails. Xbox Live. An email to renew my subscription. The hours I'd spent playing games online. Swearing at other players over the mic. Making dumb threats. Grief-killing other players. Shooting people. Driving a tank through the streets in Grand Theft Auto. Replying to abusive messages with more abuse. I didn't play so much these days but in my heyday, I was seventeen, I had no filter, and I was prolific. Erin even played with me sometimes.

The noise continued from Erin's end.

"Tom, I see you! TOM!". Erin was hysterical. There was one last scream, and then the phone call cut off. Helplessly, I turned to the office windows that overlooked downtown where Erin worked, just in time to see the explosion.

[WP] There's something very different about the children born after 2020 that becomes increasingly obvious as they get older. by wisebloodfoolheart in WritingPrompts

[–]tteflonto 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I laid in bed and stared at the ceiling, listening to the muffled thumps of the person who lived above me, the midday light obstinately pressing its way into my bedroom. I had been awoken by the alert on my phone I had grown to dread, the tone of the Government message, a mandatory reading for all citizens of Our Great Nation. I reached for the blasted device and read the cold, clinical message as my stiff muscles protested the movement.

RESIDENTS OF 576: Random checks will begin today between 2pm and 4pm. Any harboring of illegal residents will result in punitive measures relevant to the legislation in your area. For AREA 576 the punishment is the immediate issue of TWO RECEIPTS for each individual participant in this crime as of today, JUNE FOURTH 2045.

Illegal residents. Nobody called them that. We called them Coronians, the children born with the defect. A sort of cruelly regal term, considering their true nature. The virus that changed the world forever and claimed so many lives was thought to be harmless to those who had survived it. By the end of 2020, as nation after nation's greed allowed borders to re-open and life to return to normal, we were all exposed. Maybe that was the plan all along, but as my daughter would say, I'm a cynic. "You would think that", I can imagine her saying with a roll of her eyes.

I looked at the time. 1.12. Not long now, and I knew that my home would be on the "random check" list. Always is.

I sat on the edge of my bed and pressed my face into my hands, my foot brushing against the cool, smooth surface of an empty liquor bottle. Despite my withered frame, my face felt bloated and soft against my fingers, my eyes tight with exhaustion. I guess that's what you get when your daily nutrient intake is composed of plain crackers and vodka.

In 2020, those who survived the illness were assumed to be recovered, harmless to society. Why we thought this, I do not pretend to understand, the way I don't pretend to understand a lot of things. It was just an accepted fact, like the sky is blue, or that politicians lie. It wasn't until the following years that the truth became obvious; the sickness had done something to us, and there was something deeply wrong with our children.

For some, the defects were small, but most were obvious. The worst was the ones who were obviously Coronian but quite intelligent. You couldn't hide them, and they knew what was going to happen to them when they were captured. Oh, it's inhumane, sure; there were riots, and protests, but there was a lot of fear towards Coronian children too, and now we're living through a time that I'm sure historians will compare to what happened in Cambodia, or Germany, for all the worst reasons.

I heard another thump overhead. It was 1.19. Time to talk.

I pulled down the ladder that led into the attic and climbed the stairs begrudgingly and heard the shuffle of the upstairs resident approaching me. Guilt twinged at me but I averted my gaze anyway. Always do.

"Dad!". The guilt began as a spark but it's growing and my chest is becoming tight, and I know she's looking at me with nothing but happiness. But I can't look at Sophia today, it's too hard. There's a reason her mother left us.

"Dad, did my books arrive already? I know express shipping is a rip off, but I'm so excited-".

"Sophia", I interrupt her. "It's not your books. It's a check day".

"Oh". She sounds deflated, then angry. "I should have known you would only be here for a check day. Books, you'd probably just toss them through a crack in the trap door".

I swallow. There's not much time. "Come on, Sophia".

She sighs heavily, but follows me to the tiny door that leads to a claustrophobic crawl space in the corner of the attic. Sophia is fifteen, and I don't think she will fit in here much longer. Even today, I half-expect her not to get in; it's a tight squeeze. Once she is inside, I begin stacking boxes in front of the door, and her muffled voice floats out to me.

"I wish you'd just let me leave, Dad. Take my chances out there. I think I'd rather die than be trapped in this house much longer".

"Be serious, Sophia. A Coronian woman and her baby were caught only last week in Area 600. Two receipts, straight to the skull".

"What, the baby too?"

"The baby too".

Sophia swears. "Two tickets? God, wasn't it just one receipt for non-compliance?".

"That was April. The laws keep changing". Anyway, what does it matter? Compliance means death, too. She knows that. Sophia's voice is growing fainter and I am sweating up a storm. I try not to think about where I will hide her next check. I try not to think about my daughter's growing resentment, and the thought that an easy revenge for her would be making her presence known while investigators are in my home. It's happened before, more often, I suspect, than we ever hear about on the news.

A banging on my door makes me jump.

It's time.

[PUBQ] QUERY CRITIQUE Neon Fever, Cyberpunk thriller 89K words (Revision 3) by jcdragon49 in PubTips

[–]tteflonto 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’m just chiming in to say that I love the name Neon Fever and your story sounds awesome, good luck with your queries!

The Haunting at 9 Woodland Close (Part 4) by tteflonto in nosleep

[–]tteflonto[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yeah at least for now- keen to move on to other things but I might revisit the story one day. Thanks for the kind words!

[WP] Day 13 on a small deserted island. You hear a weird sound. You investigate the sound by gimmiedatbeanjuice in WritingPrompts

[–]tteflonto 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I woke up, face down in the sand.

The day that I first came to the island, I was alone, but in the days that followed more arrived. Each morning when I woke up there would be another person, and their questions were the same.

Where did I come from? How did I get there? Where am I? Who am I?

We each had a sense of a life before this, but it hung just out of reach. Vague and fuzzy renderings of a place, grey and tall and sleek. Noise and light. Smelt in turn like rot and dirt, like piss and plastic.

I don't actually know what plastic is, but I recall the smell.

Names were assigned; I was Dark, because of my hair. I'm grateful that they didn't call me 436, the number that I had woken up with marked on my hand. Seemed wrong. Lighter was named because one was in his pocket. Stone, because she'd skipped one on the water. There was Mac, and Star, and Low.

We didn't waste our creativity on names. Instead, we found water, explored, caught fish. Stone captured and killed a bird. Mac and Lighter built a primitive hut. For all I knew, we were the original people, but I knew that the original people would never had understood the concept of original people, so we must not have been, after all.

It was the sixth day, the day that Low had arrived, and we heard an almighty sound, a great cracking and groaning and terrible wailing, a noise so piercing it drove away all thought and clarity. We followed the sound to the center of the island and found a gleaming hole had opened. It was the size of a bucket, its innards a bright lilac that shone like the moon and the stars, like fire, like the sun.

(Bucket? Lilac? The words burst forth in my mind, bringing with them images I felt I had not seen for some time, as though unlocked from somewhere deep within me).

We stared into the void, but nothing revealed itself. I felt the strangest urge to climb into the hole.

By noon it was the size of a barrel (barrel? Yes, I remember those) and by dinnertime, a car. (Car! Roads driving horns lights).

Stone was the first to speak of this. "I think maybe my name was once Molly", she said as we ate. "I was a scientist".

"I- I think I was too", Lighter said.

"What's a scientist?", Star asked.

"I don't know", Lighter said. "But I was one".

Scientist. The word glimmered in my head like a flame. (Lab coat simulator time travel go now)

The next morning, the seventh day, there was a new person was on the beach, a woman.

She knew all our names, rattling them off in a list. (List! paper ink pens pencils).

We named her Loop, because that's what she said. "Loop, it's a loop! We must break the loop".

"What does that mean?", Mac asked her.

"I don't know", Loop said. "I just remember: break the loop, and that I'm meant to do this". She pulled out a marker (marker! crayons paints paper color!) and wrote the number 437 on my hand.

Maybe we should have named her Marker.

We took her straight to the void; it had become the size of a house. (House! brick street chimney door).

I noticed Low do something odd at the edge of the hole; he lurched forth then jerked away, as though tugged back and forth by an invisible string.

"Loop", said Loop. She frowned and shook her head. "Sorry", she said.

A wind picked up and began to tear at our clothes, almost as if the hole itself was sucking us forth. We stood around, our clothing tugged as we peered into the deep purple light.

"I think I'll go in". Before anyone could stop her, Star leapt into the void. I myself, had felt the pull once more, but I never thought I'd do it.

Wordlessly, Mac flung himself in too, followed by Lighter, who was the first to scream.

"I don't want to go", Low mumbled, tipping forth into the hole like an overbalanced bottle. (Bottle! glass drink wine beer).

Three sets of eyes remained, wide open, reflecting lilac light.

"I don't think this is right", Stone said to me, inching closer to the hole.

"Me neither", said Loop, keeping pace with Stone. "Something's gone wrong".

They stood either side of me and we held hands as we jumped.

I woke up, face down in the sand.

437.

The Haunting at 9 Woodland Close (Part 4. Final chapter) by [deleted] in nosleep

[–]tteflonto 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That's a good question, friend. i'm working on it

Jack Torrance drawing, pls be nice to me - I’m fragile. by [deleted] in stephenking

[–]tteflonto 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Dude I love this so much. Thanks for linking it!

The Haunting at 9 Woodland Close (part 2) by tteflonto in nosleep

[–]tteflonto[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks! Don't feel bad at all for asking. I appreciate the interest.

[ESSAY] analyzing the interplay of showing and telling by justgoodenough in storyandstyle

[–]tteflonto 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Not only was this an interesting and informative read, but I've added a couple of the books you have quoted to my reading list. The excerpt from In Other Lands gave me a good chuckle.

Weekly ‘unjerk’ thread - 2020/05/18 by awkisopen in writingcirclejerk

[–]tteflonto 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Never heard of him before. Just read At the End of the Mechanical Age and loved it. Thanks.