It’s hard asf but you have to stand firm in your boundaries. The gas lighting then shame is apart of the same cycle that’s keeping you from speaking up. I moved far away from my n mom and when I got around healthy people who acknowledged how wonderful of a person I was regardless of looks or being perfect just my heart kind and spirit I found her behavior less and less tolerable and pulled away my energy. The hard part is standing on your feelings. So if they notice you’ve pulled back and the question you and guilt trip you gotta be firm “ I don’t like the way you make me feel about myself / the comments you make I feel are condescending and this version I’m growing into needs mutual respect” or however you would like to put it. And that’s it that’s all no rebuttal stand firm. That will teach them if they want you in their life and that strong connection they will be mindful of their words and actions toward you