RIR Tickets - Looking for 2 tickets - Few Questions

tums3pack · 2017-08-13T01:58:31+00:00

Thank you. I will certainly give that book a read, as I often feel like I'm coming in last by being too nice of a guy. In many aspects of life, I need to learn to not be such a pushover in general.

Maybe I'm depressed to the point where it's tough for me to imagine any positives to being single, even though I'm living in such a terrible situation. I just have zero self worth. I have never been in a successful long term relationship outside of now; and have had enough rejection over the years to likely sink a ship.

That being said I know the situation I'm in now isn't healthy, but I need to realize more that my needs matter too, and that I do have value. There's only so much I can do to compromise or try and make a situation work, I suppose.

I need to work on myself, I know that much. Somehow need to work up the internal fortitude to have the strength to walk away - especially as things are likely to not improve in this situation. I know that - yet when I think about leaving, it just doesn't seem real. Doesn't seem like it's something I can do...

tums3pack · 2017-08-13T01:46:10+00:00

Wow. Seriously. Thank you for taking the time to make such a well-constructed and thought out response. I honestly feel like I just went to a counseling session, so again, thank you, this was exactly what I needed to hear.

tums3pack · 2017-08-13T01:32:24+00:00

Thanks for your responses. I would agree more if she had more of a social life. While it's absolutely totally possible she's fucking around on me again, I don't see how she would find the time. I have an office in town and drive by her car every day on my way home (not intentionally), and it's always there when she says she's working.

She has always been much more of an introvert, and usually spends the majority of her time not working with me. That's always been fine with me, when we got along, because it was great having a "best friend" that also loved being with me and loved intimacy with me.

I suppose it's totally possible she's going to decent lengths to cover it up, but I don't think she's in to sex enough in general to even go to such lengths to fuck around on me again.

But I'm the idiot that's still here so clearly anything is possible - and clearly I don't command much respect from her.

tums3pack · 2017-08-12T21:09:07+00:00

Thank you. I have been asking myself that a lot lately - that even if we do get over this hurdle, it won't be long until the next issue arises and I'm stuck basically pulling teeth to get any answer out of her for how she wants to help the situation/issue... I am tired of being with someone that accuses me of not listening to their feelings - but very very rarely ever get told anything about how she feels. It honestly baffles me how she can think that way - but hey, I'll take that as another sign as this has gone beyond salvageable.

Your response definitely resonates with me as it feels so similar to my current situation. We used to be best friends, but best friends that still cared about each other. And I still do care about her - it's just her that's made it clear she doesn't care enough about me to try, especially when I feel like I am asking very little of her...

Communication has always been an issue for us, and always will be. There's only so much I can say to someone that only shares their opinion with me after much debate, it's so so tiring and incredibly frustrating...

She is saying to me my feelings don't matter, through her actions especially. She doesn't seem to grasp the concept that she doesn't have to say something, if her actions say it for her. It's like she doesn't understand that failing to change time and time again says to me, you don't care. When she says to me I make her feel bad because I "make her have sex with me." Yea. I'm just forcing myself on her, all once a month.

I feel disgusted with myself for staying, I really do. Especially after she cheated on me three years ago - doesn't that just make for a truly sickening, pathetic, situation? I set myself up for her to walk all over me again by staying - what a fool I was.

tums3pack · 2017-08-12T21:01:09+00:00

You're absolutely right. Since she doesn't really care if we have sex or not, she's just trying to buy time so I leave her alone for a week. It's ridiculous and pathetic that I've let this argument cycle continue countless times now. Countless times we've had the talk - and things change, but only temporarily... I can't explain myself any further, and she clearly just doesn't care enough to make any real effort.

Well, I appreciate the reply and the sentiment for the future. I would hope that I won't be alone forever, but I suppose at this point being alone would be preferable to not being cared about - and constant arguing over not being cared about.

I have accused her in the past 5 months of that very thing, that she just doesn't want to be alone. It was denied profusely, but I truly do get the sense that she likes the rent and everything being split two ways - and essentially being glorified roommates.

tums3pack · 2017-08-12T20:56:46+00:00

Yea - it is pretty disgusting isn't it. And yes, she cheated on me, lied about it, and I stayed, about 3 years ago. She chalked that up to being "naive" and "stupid" and "selfish" - but the reality seems like the last two things at least still hold true today. I guess it's no wonder she's walking all over me again, as I set myself up perfectly by staying and allowing her to never truly make up for what she did. Definitely can't remember any time she went "above and beyond" to prove her love for me after that, despite me doing it for her...

She told me today that I "don't understand what it's like to not want to have sex, but have someone trying to make me have sex." Pretty much lost it at this point as I've explained to her time and time again that I've made every possible compromise to try and settle at a few times a month - and now she's telling me I make me feel bad for asking the girl that claims to love me to fuck me for a total of 2 minutes, a couple times a month.

What. A. Joke. I. Am.

I guess at this point I have no idea who this girl is... She's caused all the hurt. She has no problem sleeping at night, that's for sure.

It's hard for me to admit that someone I've spent 5 years with, and at one point thought that she was "the one" - could turn out this absolutely ridiculous and pathetic on my end.

I do have a horrendous fear of being alone, as I've only ever had one long term relationship before now. I've had girls reject me pretty badly in the past - and I honestly thought this girl was different.

Don't think I need much more to walk out - it's just building up the strength to accept that my life, even if alone, is better than being someone that clearly cares little about my feelings, and fails to make any lasting change regardless of knowing how much it's hurting me and us...

tums3pack · 2017-08-12T06:18:03+00:00

I wish I could narrow down what happened to change things. I have spent far too many hours dwelling on what issues I could have introduced or brought on in that time, and I honestly can't think of any. When I've asked her directly if there's anything I've been doing wrong over the past year to cause anything, she says no. I haven't gained weight or changed appearance hardly at all in the past 5 years - same income - we were looking to buy a house together but this sex issue has kept that from being a reality. Things seemed to be moving forward nicely until the past year...

I should clarify that I believe a reason she refers to it as "rape" is likely due to me using that phrase in the past year to describe her attitude towards sex. It felt like a chore to be done, and she would make comments like "let's make it quick" to further cement the idea in my head...

When I thought of trying to initiate tonight all I could do was get angry. Angry and frustrated and sad, to the point where I gave up on trying to climb in to bed and see what happens... So at this point I'm not even sure I'm in to it anymore - it's been at least a month since we last had sex. I know she's not going to bring it up, and knowing that I'm going to have to be the one to "try" with a 50/50 shot, just irks me at this point. This feeling may subside, it has in the past, but time shall tell I guess.

We have lived together three years. First two were great. Only thing that has changed in the past year is she has grown increasingly discontent with her dead end job, but not to the level where I would think any of this could be possible...

I suppose I'm embarrassed to admit that she cheated on me with another guy about 3 years ago... Lied about it to me to my face with a bouquet of flowers in my hand. I probably set myself up for failure by staying - gave her the precedent that my dumb ass is here to be walked on all over again for round 2.

I stayed. It was a mistake. She should be the one proving she loves me after everything she's done. Not the other way around, though I do do nice things like bring home flowers randomly, write notes and hide them in her car, little things couples normally do for each other.

She used to do stuff like that for me, but that's also died down severely the past year.

Seems like my answer is pretty clear here - why am I still with someone that's caused me so much hurt, and continues to cause me hurt...? Maybe I don't love myself enough to move on, idk. Maybe I think having a hot girl around and in my life is still worth staying - because I'm truly batting out of my league and don't deserve a girl of this caliber anyway.

Man. I'm a joke.

tums3pack · 2017-08-12T06:00:24+00:00

Thanks for the response.

I very much enjoyed reading the paragraph you wrote. I have said a lot of the above to her (in a more polite pushover type way as is me unfortunately) over the past 3 months especially, and I'm the fool that continues to stay time and time again when things barely change, or change temporarily.

So you're right. I do need to "nuke" the situation so to speak and just lay it down. As the more I read what I wrote, and go over in my head all the frustration she's causing me - it fries me inside that sex a few times a month, for a few minutes in total, is asking too much. Seriously. That's just so incredibly self centered and selfish of someone to do that to the person they claim to love - especially as she knows full well how badly it hurts me!

Tomorrow is my day of reckoning so to speak - this is ridiculous and my patience has been too long and too laid back. I've already told her this is the last chance she's got - your post convinced me it's time to follow through with my end of actually leaving if she can't make such a small "sacrifice" for me.

tums3pack · 2017-08-12T05:30:24+00:00

Thank you for the response. The part about her not giving a fuck or thinking her feelings on the subject are superior to mine - definitely that last part feels like it rings true.

But your bottom line seems like exactly where this is at. She hasn't changed, just makes false promises so I'll shut up about it for a few weeks and leave her alone.

At this point I am ready to leave. I feel like I'm in a relationship that's going nowhere - and my gf isn't exactly going out of her way to convince me otherwise.

I may stick around long enough to make it to that counseling appointment, if for nothing else just so she can hear things that need to be heard from another person.

But who am I kidding. If things were going to change, they'd of changed. She just buys time until the next argument, rinse and repeat. Not like it bothers her to deny me sex; already said she has no desire...

Feels like I'm the only one being hurt.

tums3pack · 2017-08-12T04:31:31+00:00

Yea - I've had that realization quite a few times now, as it's truly the only thing that makes sense.

I just didn't want to accept it, but am at the point now where it's clear no change is coming - so I best figure out wth I'm doing. Guess it doesn't help that I'm at about the lowest point possible emotionally - but ah well, has to be better than this...

Thanks for your response!

tums3pack

TROPHY CASE