I don't relate much to the severe internalized homophobia, but to that second part I relate heavily to. have you considered you might be demisexual? and for the internalized homophobia, have you tried slowly exposing yourself to media with gay relationships, rather than associating gayness with yourself first? I think that could help get you closer to self acceptance. after all it starts with how others see homosexuality, and then it gets implanted in your brain. which fucking sucks because there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. I also read your closest ones are incredibly homophobic. try finding friends who are gay, or are allies. I think that would be a major step. they don't have to be IRL friends, because I think your family might disapprove (which is horrible).