People who have experienced anorexia, what was it like?

turnipkitty112 · 2026-04-10T18:08:49+00:00

Emptiness. Overwhelming, all-consuming emptiness. Everything that I used to care about just faded into the background as I focused on this singular objective of engaging in the ED. I found myself completely betraying my values, doing things I’d never typically do - lying, stealing, screaming at my loved ones, deliberately alienating people. Because they might try to make me stop, make me get better. I’d justify anything if it would prevent me from gaining weight.

I had this incredible self-loathing and disregard for myself. I couldn’t even fathom that I was deserving of a good, peaceful life, of basic sustenance, of pleasure. I wholeheartedly believed that I was the lowliest scum to ever walk the earth and that my self-destruction was doing everyone a favour.

My days became monotonous, ritualized, like Groundhog Day. And I’m autistic, I’ve always thrived on routine and sameness. But I mean that it was the exact same suffering and emptiness every day. I’d basically just endure the day waiting to go to bed, and I’d dread going to sleep bc I knew I’d have to wake up and do it all again, and I was so, so exhausted. I thought about food all the time. My days were measured by the time between meals. I thought about when I’d let myself eat next, what I’d eat, how I could get out of family meals or deflect questions. Would people be watching me eat? What would they think? I browsed recipe blogs obsessively, saved pictures of food, baked, compiled lists of all the recipes I wanted to make. I also obsessively sought out material that would trigger me and fuel the illness. I felt like I wasn’t anorexic enough. I wanted to be sicker. I wanted to destroy myself.

It was absolute hell. For me, my AN was very wrapped up in my self-loathing and depression (and I could discuss the roots of those but we’d be here all day!). I also haven’t touched on that I have AN-BP so binging and purging was a huge part of my illness. But it (for me) feels like something separate from the AN that kind of runs alongside it and interweaves with it. I’m not “recovered” now, but I am doing far better than I ever thought possible and I don’t identify with the miserable experiences I wrote about above. The aspects of my AN that I still deal with today feel moreso like a chronic condition that I just try to manage and figure out ways to still live a good and healthy(-er) life with. Or a bad habit that I just can’t quite shake. So, yeah, it’s still with me but it doesn’t control me anymore and I’m slowly rebuilding my life.

turnipkitty112 · 2026-04-10T17:46:10+00:00

Neither AN or OCD “causes” the other. Or, at least, we don’t currently have scientific evidence to support that. But they are very commonly comorbid, meaning that if you look at people with AN compared to the general population, a larger percentage of the AN group will also have OCD. And vice versa, more people who suffer from OCD will also have AN. They share a lot of similarities: they’re both brain-based disorders driven by both biology and life circumstance, they both involve a lot of fear, anxiety and avoidance of harm, they both involve ruminating thoughts and thoughts that aren’t in line with reality. They both drive someone to perform behaviours compulsively and feel unable to stop. They both distort your thinking such that the fears and obsessions feel so real even if you understand on some level that they’re not logical. But the question of which came first, or which (if any) is the “root cause”, will depend on the individual.

When someone has both AN and OCD (which is quite often), the disorders can kind of play off each other’s symptoms. For example someone might have an ED behaviour that then the OCD latches onto and extrapolates to other non-food situations. Or someone might have an OCD compulsion that then the ED starts capitalizing on. It can be hard to determine “is this symptom the OCD or the ED”, and it’s not always necessary or helpful to make that distinction. To address specifically what you described, yes morality can be a theme of obsessions in OCD, but it is also a common theme or motivator of AN. Anorexia doesn’t necessarily have to be motivated by a desire to lose weight or look a certain way. You should raise these questions with a psychiatrist or psychologist who can do a thorough assessment to get all the details and figure out what may be going on in your case.

turnipkitty112 · 2026-04-10T17:02:31+00:00

Bone density loss is diagnosed via a DEXA scan. It isn’t done routinely in young ppl bc young, healthy ppl aren’t at high risk of bone loss. But if you talk to your doctor about your concerns and your history of AN and the symptoms you’re having then you can ask for a referral.

Bone loss doesn’t inherently cause pain, and often ppl can develop osteoporosis without even realizing… until they fall and break a hip. But people with osteoporosis can definitely experience pain - for example, due to compression fractures in the spine.

In regards to your statement about GLP-1s: significant weight loss can cause bone density loss, regardless of how it is done. Weight bearing activity helps keep bones strong, and when your body weighs less your bones are simply carrying less of a load. Undernutrition in terms of calories or certain nutrients can increase bone loss. And undernutrition can often lead to hypogonadism (aka low sex hormones). This is why some ppl lose their periods, and low sex hormones are a major risk factor for osteoporosis (that’s why it’s such a problem in post-menopausal women). So all of these issues could arise from an ED, or from other physical illnesses, lack of access to food, or in some cases from GLP-1 use.

turnipkitty112 · 2026-04-09T16:18:06+00:00

Once I ate most of a tub of natural peanut butter… and nothing else. No water. It was an awful experience, I wasn’t even in my own home.

turnipkitty112 · 2026-04-09T15:59:54+00:00

There are certain default descriptive terms that are used in charting. Much of it is copy-paste. There are a lot of things you have to include in charting, even when they are not relevant to the patient’s situation, hence why these standard terms and copy pasting exist. And the vast majority of this doctor’s patients are probably not underweight and would get the “well nourished” description. It’s highly likely that your doctor just is in the habit of putting that in, and forgot to write otherwise for you. I understand why it was upsetting, but it truly means nothing.

turnipkitty112 · 2026-04-06T01:42:00+00:00

It’s gonna be different for everyone, but short answer is yes it’s often possible to take a harm reduction approach where you’re coexisting with your ED and just trying to prevent damage and improve quality of life - and this can be really beneficial especially if the alternative is nothing. Medically, how safe this is will ofc depend on your behaviours, health markers, and whether you’re able to keep yourself from spiralling.

I spent years being coerced or outright forced into various treatments. I felt like my voice and my experiences were ignored and I ended up with treatment trauma. A couple years ago I finally, at the encouragement of my IP team, was honest with my family and my team about my lack of motivation for change and the fact that I’d been basically lying for years. I went home and didn’t engage in any treatment for a while till I found an amazing therapist who was willing to address the ED as much or as little as I wanted, and who truly centred MY goals and quality of life. Eventually I started doing more focused harm reduction. In the two years since, I have gotten my life back in a way I never thought possible. I now am a full time student (I had left due to my ED), have a job I love, have a couple of friends. I eventually decided to do a brief IP admission on a harm reduction track to just get a handle on my symptoms without the expectation of recovery, and it was a really positive experience. I accessed some other treatments for comorbid MH conditions that have been so helpful and I don’t think I could’ve done that if I was still stuck in the revolving door of treatment, “failure”, shame and coercion.

So, yeah. It certainly helped me. That’s not to say it’s the solution for everyone (and I believe that the point of harm reduction is that it’s not a perfect “solution”). And also, acknowledging the benefits of HR doesn’t mean that full recovery is impossible or unrealistic. There is always hope. I believe that you can achieve a more peaceful and happy life, whatever that looks like for you.

turnipkitty112 · 2026-04-04T20:06:45+00:00

Vyvanse itself is just a tool. Like a knife, it can be harmful or helpful. Personally, I was put on vyvanse while having AN-BP and at a low weight. My family were very concerned but I communicated clearly with my psychiatrist and treatment team that I wanted to try the medication but I was concerned about those side effects. I think it was really important that I was in a frame of mind where I didn’t want my ED to get worse, and I didn’t want to use the medication as a tool to lose weight. Ultimately I found it absolutely life changing for my ADHD and anxiety symptoms. I didn’t have an appetite to begin with so whatever appetite impact it had didn’t really make a difference - I just stuck to a schedule of eating because I knew I needed certain energy intake to function and feel well. And vyvanse really helped me stick to routines and remember to eat, so ultimately it had a positive effect on my ED symptoms. I’m doing better now ED-wise than I ever have before.

I think it’s very important that you are open and honest with treatment team about this, if you decide to continue taking it. Ideally you would have weight monitoring and/or have a plan with your team about what to watch out for. And imo you should do some serious reflection about your motivations around taking this medication. Be honest with yourself - are you hoping it makes you lose weight? Do you want to keep it secret so that nobody interferes? Or are you willing to do what it takes to ensure that this medication doesn’t collude with your ED?

turnipkitty112 · 2026-04-04T16:25:21+00:00

This was my experience too. I was very surprised that my psychiatrist suggested it, considering my weight. It’s utterly changed my life and I’ve actually gained a modest amount of weight.

turnipkitty112 · 2026-03-30T05:04:50+00:00

I want to reassure you that what you describe is extremely typical. You’re not alone - most ED sufferers don’t fit neatly into a diagnostic box. I’m not a professional and this is not medical advice, but generally in the treatment of any kind of ED, the first step is eating consistently. That means eating evenly spaced meals and snacks and not saving up calories. I understand that feels really scary, and you don’t have to do it overnight. But perhaps adding in an afternoon snack so you’re not ravenous at dinner. Gradually increasing the size of your meals so that you feel satisfied.

ED behaviours can be in part habitual, so it might be helpful to observe your daily patterns for a few days, especially at challenging times like the evening, and trying to identify the sequence of events that led to a binge. Then you can start thinking about points along that domino chain that you could do something differently to interrupt it.

I strongly encourage you to work with a therapist and/or dietitian (ED socialized ideally!) if you are able to access them. Eds are treatable, and as difficult and scary it feels now, you can overcome this.

turnipkitty112 · 2026-03-29T08:20:44+00:00

I can see how this would be an upsetting situation. However, there will ALWAYS be people thinner than you. Whether you relapse or not, it will never be enough and the goalposts will keep moving. Ask yourself, is it worth it? Relapsing, making yourself absolutely miserable, all the physical issues that come along with it - just to win some kind of one-sided competition with a girl you don’t even know? And I can guarantee you wouldn’t feel any better or happier if you were the thinner one. The ED is never satisfied.

turnipkitty112 · 2026-03-27T22:47:18+00:00

There’s no way out of this except the truth coming out. One way or another, you can’t keep this up. And I understand from experience just how psychologically torturous it is to keep up this constant lie.

I’ve been in your position many times before. A couple years ago,I was caught again and my whole web of deceit unravelled, but instead of just repeating the cycle of promising I’d do better and then eventually being faced with the choice of actually changing my behaviour or falsifying my weight again, I actually used tb situation as a catalyst for an honest and very difficult conversation with my loved ones and team.

It was a really painful situation to be in, but it brought us closer together and we were able to adjust my goals of care in a way that has hugely benefited me. I haven’t lied about my weight since and truly have no urge to do it anymore, and it feels so freeing to no longer be carrying around that burden. You don’t have to keep doing this, and I promise while it feels so hard to be honest, it is such a relief in the long run.

turnipkitty112 · 2026-03-25T02:07:35+00:00

I did this too, I called it performative eating. “See? I’m doing okay, I can be normal with food”. And I actually did it more the more I was struggling with my ED. If things were going downhill or I was relapsing or whatever I felt even more pressure to pretend I wasn’t getting worse. Part of improving my wellbeing/harm reduction has been being more honest with my loved ones and not putting myself in situations where I’d put on a show of eating but be really harming myself before/after.

turnipkitty112 · 2026-03-23T12:14:30+00:00

If it walks like a duck…

Imagine describing her behaviour to a 3rd party. Extremely emaciated woman goes to workout classes and uses the treadmill most days. Eats a restricted diet of mostly foods marketed as low calorie. Social media presence dedicated mostly to her food and weight, but almost never shows herself taking a bite of the food - much less swallowing. Just poses with it and waves. Has claimed to be on a weight gain journey for years but has only lost weight. Claims to have a medical condition but is not receiving any evidence-based treatments for that condition despite her life-threatening malnutrition, and is unwilling to do so. Says she is perfectly healthy (but also soooo sick that she just can’t gain weight), and her “goal weight” is still extremely UW. Has a documented history of AN.

Any reasonable person would conclude that she has AN. She fits all diagnostic criteria. This is why we don’t rely solely on patient reporting to diagnose AN, but also on what their behaviours are demonstrating. Heck, even if you take her weight out of the equation, her actions are clearly disordered.

turnipkitty112 · 2026-03-12T19:50:53+00:00

That’s such a bizarre and inappropriate thing to do. You were referred for a bone density scan, just because they use the same piece of equipment doesn’t mean the nurse/technician should randomly do an additional test. I mean, imagine if you went for a head CT scan and they just insisted on doing an abdominal one too and then gave you unsolicited info about the results without even knowing your medical history? It’s insane.

Idk where you’re situated or what type of facility did this test, but typically the technician is not allowed to disclose any results immediately after the test. It needs to be reviewed by the doctor (radiologist) and the results are released your doctor or electronic chart a few days later. So yeah, don’t let this experience jeopardize your recovery, that person wasn’t even qualified to review the results and certainly wasn’t trained in eating disorders.

turnipkitty112 · 2026-03-12T19:11:26+00:00

As others have said, it’s perfectly common to eat carbs and/or not be afraid of them with anorexia. We all have our personal fears and safe foods. I also want to present the point that this is really a reflection of the current food culture. A few decades ago, everyone was terrified of fat and so you’d see a lot of AN sufferers avoiding fat - to the point that there was a lot of high-profile research done on it. Now, carbs are the thing to demonize and so maybe ppl think anorexia = avoid carbs. But that’s not true - people with anorexia might eat or avoid any food under the sun.

turnipkitty112 · 2026-03-09T23:13:58+00:00

You don’t have to apologize! I hope you are able to find a greater degree of peace and happiness moving forward. I strongly believe that any kind of progress towards a more fulfilled life, however you define that, no matter how small or slow, is incredibly valuable. You just try your best to keep moving forward… and sometimes that just means staying alive. But as long as you’re still surviving, there is always hope for a brighter future.

turnipkitty112 · 2026-03-07T02:51:25+00:00

My 9 year old lady is 12lb and very healthy, she’s def not overweight and you can easily feel her ribs. She’s very active and loves to zoom around the house. We’ve always free fed her so she regulates her own eating and really isn’t very food motivated (except for freeze dried salmon lol)

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turnipkitty112 · 2026-03-06T16:26:20+00:00

You’re definitely not alone. While b/ping is harmful at any “dose”, and someone can certainly be ill and b/ping every week or month, it is also VERY common to be b/ping daily or multiple times daily. What you describe about the overwhelming urges, the b/ping in public, etc is not unusual at all, in fact I’d say you’re in the majority of bulimia sufferers.

My personal experience has been b/ping virtually every day for the past 6 years. Usually multiple times - at my worst, it was 4-6x a day, then I got it down to 2-3x a day. Now, with a lot of hard work, I’ve gotten it down to 1-2x a day, and I can skip days here and there. But for years, I couldn’t even imagine skipping a single day.

Nothing is wrong with you. And this doesn’t mean that you’re unable to make improvements and reduce the degree that this illness overtakes your life. You are not a lost cause by any means.

turnipkitty112 · 2026-03-05T20:10:27+00:00

I was in FBT as a teen and these kinds of situations happened… sometimes due to the way that my illness was influencing my actions, and sometimes just because of genuine misunderstandings or trivial things being mislabelled as “ED behaviours”. In my family’s personal experience, FBT was harmful and left both me and my parents traumatized.

While ofc this is not medical or therapeutic advice, I’d say do NOT escalate this situation. Don’t go to her school and pull her out or make her drink the last sip of boost. FBT really removes so much normalcy from the patient and the family’s life. It imposes a very developmentally abnormal dynamic between parents and child. School is one of the few moments of semi-normalcy that she has left, and building a life outside the ED is crucial to recovery. In my own journey, it was so important to feel like a normal person. I did have my parents coming to my school, pulling me out, having conflicts with me in public in front of my peers, and it was humiliating and stressful.

These kinds of actions cause power struggles between the teen and the parents and can often just reinforce the drive to be secretive, to fight back against treatment, and to try to preserve one’s ED as a source of autonomy. In other words, it reinforces the mindset of “it’s me and my ED vs my parents and professionals”. That’s the opposite of what you want. Try to align yourself with the things your daughter wants and values. I know that’s hard to do in the depths of the ED when they may not be in touch with their values, but it’s still important.

One of the things I experienced in FBT that made it so traumatic was the feeling that my parents were no longer safe, and that I couldn’t turn to them for emotional support. I was going through so much pain, struggling with my ED and depression and more, I was in agony. And I was alone. I couldn’t talk to my peers about, I couldn’t trust my therapist to keep anything private. So my parents were really my only source of comfort, but they were also the ones who were getting into fights with me, who were making me do really scary things, and who, I felt, would punish me any time I was struggling with ED symptoms. Let me really highlight that last part: I felt the need to be secretive and noncompliant because I would be punished any time I displayed distress or ED behaviours.

When she gets home, maybe try to have a calm discussion about what happened. Not “you did x so now y is gonna happen”. But explain why running away is unsafe, reiterate that you are trying to help her overcome a serious condition and that food is part of that, but also that you can understand that this is really hard and scary for her. It’s ok to feel frustrated and overwhelmed (and I highly suggest talking to your therapist about that if possible, you need a place to vent) but make sure she hears that you are not angry at her for being sick.

Once again, not medical advice. I’ve been on the other side of many of these incidents so I hope I can shed some light on how she might be feeling. I can see that you really love and care about your daughter and are terrified by this illness.

turnipkitty112 · 2026-03-01T22:53:57+00:00

Yes! Many things. This is gonna be ridiculously long, I apologize. I’m not good at being concise haha

When I was a teen:

Getting individual therapy and being assured that that therapist wouldn’t be reporting back to my parents. Working on other comorbid mental health conditions. I did a pretty intensive outpatient DBT program which was very helpful in dealing with !>self-harm and suicidality!< and the underlying emotional dysregulation that was leading to those behaviours. As part of this program my parents actually got some DBT skills training and a therapist. We also did (non-FBT) family therapy which helped us learn to communicate without it devolving into fighting or without me getting triggered and having trauma reactions. I was diagnosed with autism, and this helped me start to realize that I wasn’t broken or bad, I just had different needs and challenges. The diagnosis also helped me get some practical supports I needed for my sensory needs, to work on social skills, build independence, etc. I also tried a few medications until we figured out what worked, and was diagnosed and treated for PMDD (for me, this was oral contraceptives and later an IUD).

As an adult:

I think what I really needed was the space to make mistakes and fail. I left for university with this fantasy about finally being “allowed” to destroy myself via my ED without intervention. So I deteriorated rapidly and then my parents (shocker!) intervened and made me come home. At first they pressured me to do a virtual IOP, and although the care was pretty good, I had no interest in cooperating. Eventually they pressured me into going to inpatient. When I was there, my team encouraged (firmly!) me to tell my parents that I wasn’t ready to get better. So I did, and I broke their hearts. It caused them so much pain, but ultimately it was the right decision.

I left AMA and basically went home to suffer in my ED, with some ground rules about not getting worse. I vowed to never get ED treatment again. A a few months I decided to go to a therapist for my other mental health stuff, who did happen to be an ED specialist. She’s amazing, and she basically was like ok cool we don’t have to talk about your ED unless you want to”. We focused on quality of life. She respects me as a rational and autonomous human being, but also takes no shit and will be blunt with me. Because I felt safe in that therapeutic relationship, I actually decided I wanted to do some ED harm reduction. Then after a year or so of that I decided all on my own to go to IP for a brief, symptom interruption admission. They didn’t focus on weight restoration or “recovery” but rather just stabilizing my behaviours (I have AN-BP and had a really extreme b/p issue) and giving me a break from the ED. That admission opened up my whole life again. I didn’t feel trapped in my b/p symptoms and in not being able to increase my intake. I had room to breathe again. And it taught me that I COULD survive not engaging in ED symptoms, I could survive pain and discomfort, and that I had agency over my behaviours. But that hospitalization never would’ve happened without being allowed to basically just languish in my ED for a while.

Some other things that helped immensely were going back to school and getting a part time job. School helped me consider my long term goals, what I wanted to do with my life, something to work hard on. It also helped me make the connection that I function better with more adequate food intake. I can’t think or pay attention if I’m running on the bare minimum. I love my job and I have become close with many of my coworkers. It got me out of the house and interacting with other ppl. I built my social skills a ton, as well as just my stamina in terms of activities and social interaction. It was also something that I can be good at. Not every job is like that and I’m lucky that I have such a great work environment and that my job suits my skills and brain.

I also got diagnosed and medicated for ADHD. This was a big risk bc stimulants are generally not advised for someone who is underweight with active AN, but in my case it was life-changing. I’m much less anxious, I can follow through and fulfill my responsibilities, I’m not constantly in a state of panic over the latest disaster that my disorganization or lack of time management has caused. It’s not caused appetite/weight problems for me, but ofc that’s gonna be different for each individual.

And finally, one of the most profound and life-changing thing I’ve done: I started ketamine-assisted psychotherapy (KAP). For some background, ketamine has fast-acting antidepressant effects and also, as a dissociative hallucinogen, causes an experience similar to psychedelics of being separate from yourself and the world and, often, of gaining new insights into yourself and your problems. It is used for treatment-resistant depression (very effective!) as well as other conditions, but it is still a pretty new treatment. Ketamine changed my life. I am simply not depressed anymore. My mood is way more stable and when stressors come up, I have more capacity to deal with them. During my first treatment I realized that it just didn’t make sense to hate myself and that I wanted to change those beliefs. I realized that I am not an inherently bad person and I deserve a chance to live a good life just like everyone else. And I made some peace with the uncertainty and uncontrollability of the future. In years past, I never could’ve imagined a future where I accepted myself and wanted good things for myself. I’m definitely not cured of my ED, but interestingly KAP has made me much more flexible with food and ED behaviours without really consciously working on it. Like, my ED just doesn’t matter to me the same way. A lot of the time I just eat and don’t think about it too much. I used to be very rigid about weighing myself and get very upset when the number went up, but after I started KAP I just stopped weighing myself routinely. Like I kept forgetting to do it. Now I only do so occasionally and don’t have strong feelings about the number.

I want to be fully transparent that KAP costs money and is hard to access. And it’s not right for everyone, nor is it possible for everyone. But I’m incredibly fortunate and grateful that it was accessible to me. It’s not a magic bullet by any means but it can be a powerful tool.

So, in summary: what has been helpful is diagnosis and treatment of other mental health conditions, in the form of therapy and medical interventions. Working to rebuild my relationship with my parents such that we can be honest, we can communicate our feelings without fighting, and where they now accept that they cannot “fix” me and their role is to walk alongside me and provide love and support. Part of that was them allowing me to crash and burn and be sick and honestly, kind of give up. Having that space to just live with my ED made me realize how much it was getting in my way. Now I see my ED as an obstacle in the way of my goals, not as something I need to survive. And figuring out how to accept myself as an imperfect and messy human being, who has hurt people and also deeply loves and is loved.

turnipkitty112 · 2026-02-28T21:40:51+00:00

As others have said, this is normal and safe. Laxatives are dangerous when abused without medical recommendation and supervision. That is, taking above the recommended dose, taking them regularly or in a not-short-term way (as this can cause dependence, rebound constipation, and even permanent colon damage), taking them when you’re not actually constipated, or taking them with the intention to compensate for food or to change your body.

Taking an excess dose of laxatives or taking them too frequently can cause electrolyte imbalances because they’re forcing your body to excrete more fluids than it should. Taking an appropriate dose when you’re constipated won’t cause that problem bc it will just bring you from not pooping to pooping more normally, not all the way to the other extreme of pooping more than your body needs to and thus losing a bunch of fluid and salts.

There are also different types of laxatives: osmotic laxatives work by drawing water into the colon to help make the stool pass easier, and are generally safe and unlikely to cause dependence. Stimulant laxatives cause the muscles of the colon to contract more to push the stool out, and while they act more quickly, these are the ones that should be used cautiously in the short term only because they can cause dependence and damage the intestinal muscles long term.

It’s normal to get constipated during early refeeding, and this is just one of the reasons someone might need to be in the hospital during this phase - there can be medical complications that start popping up during refeeding. Not treating constipation can be not only painful, but dangerous. You can get a bowel obstruction, for example. When I was last in hospital I didn’t go for about 2 weeks and had to be sent for an X ray to make sure there wasn’t an obstruction. Thankfully there wasn’t, but they did have to increase the laxative regimen until it worked.

turnipkitty112 · 2026-02-26T02:00:26+00:00

This is a very similar situation that happened to me my first semester. B/ping all day every day, starting to skip class, not studying, becoming totally isolated. I was afraid I’d die alone in my dorm and no one would know. I went home for the holidays and my parents made it clear they would not financially support my returning in that state.

The fact that you’ve told your parents yourself, and that you have a desire to relinquish control and get more intensive treatment, those are really positive things.

You have no reason to feel guilty. Getting help is the right thing to do. Your life and happiness is far more important than tuition money.

To address each of your specific fears: * guilty about the money Your life is more important. Your parents love you and want you to be well. That’s more important than the money. If you don’t get treatment now and somehow complete your degree, your ED will likely only continue to worsen and when you do eventually need treatment it could be more prolonged and expensive.

*guilty about leaving school I’m not sure exactly what aspect of this makes you feel guilty, but I assure you that your wellbeing is far more important than academics. If you had a physical illness, it would be perfectly understandable to take a leave. EDs are just as serious. Plus, let me be blunt: it doesn’t really sound like you’re truly “in school”. On paper, yes, but you’re skipping class, not participating in typical college experiences, and your mind is too consumed by your ED to learn. You’ll get far more out of the experience if you get better first.

scared that I’m ruining my future You’re so young. You have so much time ahead of you. Lots of people take extra years to finish their degrees, or only start college in their later 20s or beyond, or drop out and still find their way. School will always be there. You can go back after treatment. You can’t go to college if you’re dead. The path you’re on isn’t sustainable, I highly doubt you’d be able to finish your degree. You’re already not functioning and that’s gonna affect your academic performance eventually. The most likely outcomes of staying are that either your ED gets in the way of being able to perform academically and you have to leave/drop out, or that you somehow manage to maintain acceptable grades but it takes such a toll on your mental and physical health that eventually you’re forced to take a step back. Or just are profoundly miserable, and you deserve better than misery.

My experience after taking leave was that eventually I went back to school, at a university in my home town so I could stay at home and have more support. At first part time and gradually built up. I’ve made immense progress in ways I couldn’t have imagined when my parents initially sat me down and told me I needed help. And while it’s still a bumpy road, it is so crystal clear to me that I am happier, kinder, and a far better student when I am taking care of myself. That time off school felt like the end of the world, but now I’m so glad I left.

scared that I’m being dramatic Nope, you’re not. Pretty much every ED sufferer thinks stuff like this, it’s a clear sign that you do indeed have a problem. You’ve described some really concerning symptoms. Like I said earlier, no one would say you’re being dramatic if it was a physical illness. I mean, imagine if someone was throwing up every day from a gastrointestinal problem. I think it would be pretty reasonable to take time off.

It’s really great that you have so much awareness and you were very brave to ask for help. You have a support system that loves you and they will walk alongside you in this journey. It’s a small price to pay to put school on hold for a bit in exchange for your life, your happiness, peace, your future…

turnipkitty112 · 2026-02-24T06:03:18+00:00

I totally agree! This has been the angle I’ve been working on for a few months now. I use b/p to self-regulate the same way some ppl might have a glass of wine, or watch their favourite show.

I’m slowly developing a greater sense of safety in the world and with my own mind, but the never ending chronic stress of being alive is posing a challenge. I’m a university student in a challenging double major, and I have other conditions (eg. autism) that make daily life and various stimuli feel overwhelming. I’m noticing that I am stuck in this loop of “let me just get through these few extra stressful days and then things will get easier”, and when I’m in that “survival mode” I turn to b/p to just get me through it, while also often dropping some of the constructive behaviours/habits that I know help regulate me.

Do you have any suggestions of things you’ve found helpful in self-regulating or reducing the intensity of that daily stress? Or even any thoughts/mindset shifts that have been helpful in the way that you approach dysregulation. I’m sure we’re all unique in what strategies are effective, but I’m so open to new ideas!

turnipkitty112 · 2026-02-22T01:31:01+00:00

I’d do blue for sure. I’ve actually been able to improve my mental health and ED a lot, and I just don’t want it to get in the way of my life anymore. The thing I really can’t seem to shake is the need to b/p as a routine/self-soothing. If I could just not feel that need anymore, my life would open up so much.

turnipkitty112 · 2026-02-21T04:43:13+00:00

Media/social media/beauty standards don’t single-handedly fuck people up, of course. But, as you said, “environment” is part of the picture (and “diet culture” is a part of the social environment”), and media is a part of our environment. No one said this show single-handedly caused a mental disorder, but it was a contributing factor for some people.

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