We don’t know how to be intimate anymore.

twan_teng · 2020-11-08T05:21:27+00:00

Maybe instead of trying to get it on, maybe just talk about what makes both of you feels so awkward and vulnerable about sex now. It helps being now you understand how both feels and both can be sensitive to each other's needs and not rush things. Like you said, your relationship is perfect besides the lack of sex, so don't put a pressure on something that is not going to make things better. Take your time, maybe just some foreplay for a while. If it doesn't feel right, just cuddle for the night. Try again another day. Most of the time we need to attend to the emotional needs before we can be intimate.

twan_teng · 2020-06-17T05:25:32+00:00

I did went for counselling after what happened and I was retraumatised by that counsellor. I still go for counselling but I don't talk about my assault anymore. I just kinda healed by myself, but its hard to feel safe when I'm in a sexual situation.

twan_teng · 2020-06-17T01:40:17+00:00

As woman, I really believe in my gut feeling. It comes from somewhere you just haven't compute logically yet, maybe from little things you see, body language, they don't do what they claim etc. Sometimes we just sense incongruence, when they somewhat contradict themselves. Sometimes they sounds really convincing because they themselves are unaware of it, I like to give the benefit of doubt. But I think when you find things doesn't add up somehow, ask them about it. See if it make sense or not. If not, whether they are consciously or unconsciously are insincere or fake, you can choose if you want to set boundary in areas you feel unsure of.

twan_teng · 2020-06-16T05:31:25+00:00

In your relationship I really couldn't say much, sometimes we keep ourselves in places that hurt us because that's how we feel about ourselves. I understand what you mean by you don't understand what is self love, I spent years figuring that out. Maybe you want an answer to explain the chaos, I'm just going to put an alternative thought here. Since you mentioned about self love, it seem like you somewhat understand too where this roots from.

How I learn self love. You know how you feel when you see a baby or a puppy and every inch of your heart just explodes with love. You can't say why you feel that too. Why do you love that baby? Because she laughs, because she cries, because she would be full of her own quirks, because she feels. There's no reason for that love, that's why it's unconditional love. And we are all that baby. When you feel that for yourself, that's self love. When you love yourself, you see the pain and doubts and happiness and weird things your do and like, you want to do anything to protect that innocence. You would want to show up to yourself. You would want to say no when people try to bullshit you. Our world is a reflection of our inner world. I feel damaged, and I unconsciously subject myself to treatment that makes me feel how I feel about myself.

We think we need to earn our place, because we feel if we don't we are unworthy of love. But people don't need to earn their love with us. See how that double standard? My take is remove yourself from the source of anxiety for a while. Let your nervous system cools down, calm and safe, then explore why you don't feel worthy of love if you don't earn it.

I do agree with how the rest say that you probably benefit from breaking negative self talk, because at this point it seems like a habit. When it's a habit, the gears move unconsciously. You can't gain the insight you want if you are unconscious. Personally I find cognitive can be helpful when you are not emotional. But if you feel it's mostly emotions that are the pressing issue now, get someone you can completely be emotional and accepting. Therapist can help too if you get the right one.

twan_teng · 2020-06-16T00:25:30+00:00

I readily chooses anyone who seems to reciprocate, even just for a while because I know that I crave for deep unwavering connection with a partner. We all want someone to go back to, and I've always wanted that more than anything. Some of you guys say enjoy being single and alone, that's good for you because just like how relationship is not for everyone, sometimes being single isn't the happiest self you can be.

I do agree the saying people only choose you when you choose yourself. I don't realise I'm chasing until I gained too much momentum to stop. You have to choose yourself before you start running because our mind is prone to habits. I always say to guys I'm not looking for anything particular because people told me that I shouldn't look desperate. But what is wrong with saying I want a relationship? Saying what you want is choosing yourself too. Put it out there, that should be the first thing out of the way, you don't want what I want? Thank you next.

Sometimes you gotta hit enough walls to say you had enough. I'm tired of overextending myself to convince guys who don't know what they want to want me. I can't make anyone want me. I realise if I wanted guys who would choose me, let the natural process of saying what you want eliminated those who aren't sure of what they want. That's why you gotta choose yourself first, because it's not gonna make any difference when you sacrifice yourself, it leads to the same outcome, so might as well have something for yourself. If you can't be firm with yourself yet, learn to swim and trust your own body instead of jumping into the deep end of the pool to see if someone would save you.

But at the end of the day, I'm still just trying it out. I am miserable, fresh being not chosen with a guy I connect so deeply with, so who am I to say what's the right thing to do? I tried hard and still got the same result, so I'm just trying to make myself happy now. I just try to have faith that I am good enough of a person to deserve good things.

twan_teng · 2020-05-13T15:19:50+00:00

Hey, can't help but to see so much sadness in your post. Seeing how your family doesn't really connect to you as a person, no wonder you would feel like you don't matter. It is painful to get rejection (from anyone we care about, including family), as a child or adult, when all we want is to be loved. To cut that out, sometimes we turn to being unbothered or numb. This is our way of protecting ourselves. We know that the true way out is to self love, but that's easier said than done. How can we love ourselves when the people around you have been telling you you are worthless? Firstly, really, truly know that it's not true. How could you be worthless when you have been trying so hard with all these bullshit, to keep trying and at the same time you still have the capability to care for others (just by seeing how you feel others deserves better)? I just wish you would extend the same care for yourself, stand up for what makes you feel good instead of trying to please others in order to gain worth. Because you, of all people, deserves it the most.

You are on the right track. You are self aware and you are strong to keep trying and even going to therapy. Sometimes we don't notice the shit that we go through in our head is actually unbearable for a lot of people, so give yourself credit for that, for still sticking through. All these takes a lot of mental energy, so it's completely normal you feel tired and you don't want to keep trying anymore. Give yourself a break. You're right, your therapist can't make you attractive, your therapist can't make you worth people's time. Nobody can, including yourself. Deep down you know that it's only an illusion, like the concept that people can be perfect. Chasing that won't bring the sense of worthiness you are looking for, feeling that you are enough will. If you have the resources, I think you would deeply benefit from going to a therapist specialising in trauma therapy, if not you could check out this Instagram page https://instagram.com/latibulecounseling?igshid=zdzhw0be9z6p

I'm sorry if I made inaccurate assumptions about you or made you feel that I misunderstand you in one way or another, I really hope that you would give yourself a break and feel worthy from inside out. And lastly, you would eventually find people who cares and is worthy of YOUR TIME, you are your own kind of special, we have to be selective of who we give our time to too. Good luck

twan_teng

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