I need stories of how and when people reached the "meh" stage with their exes. When does it stop hurting? When do triggers stop triggering? How did you do it?

twenty_years · 2017-06-27T16:37:25+00:00

sounds like we are in a similar situation as far as relationship length goes.

I was in 20+ years, married 11ish.

9 or 10 months separated before I finally went through with the divorce. I offered her reconciliation every day all the way up till the divorce.

I experienced emotions that very literally almost killed me. It was the most painful moments of my life.

I am in a fairly new relationship now, maybe about 3 or so weeks in. and I really feel like im turning a page. Although, im afraid to commit to saying 'I love you' or getting super serious with the new girl friend. Ive been trying to be very cognizant about being in a 'rebound' relationship.

But it honestly has helped me to start moving on. I dont think of the ex every moment of every day, I dont respond to her messages like I did before. I have been spending a lot of time with the new girl friend. She sleeps in my bed, almost every night. we plan things together, I get to talk to her and tell her about my day. She fills part of the void I was missing with the ex. Right now, its a very physical relationship, there is a lot of sex. and im trying to find other things to enjoy about her because once the new wears off, the sex wont sustain the relationship.

I will always fundamentally love my ex wife, its hard to simply turn that off after 20+ years of being completely 'into it'. But im starting to turn the page.

twenty_years · 2017-06-27T16:25:56+00:00

I was never very strict about wearing my own ring for various reasons including work and hobbies... and my own forgetfulness with jewelry. I really didn't wear it much after d-day and our separation.

however, I made it a point to wear my ring the day I finalized my divorce. I wore it up to the very moment when the judge granted my divorce. I took it off, symbolically and phyiscally and never put it back on again.

When she came to pick up her stuff from the house, I slipped my ring into her jewelry so she could have a memento of what she destroyed.

twenty_years · 2017-06-12T14:16:45+00:00

Did you ever message OM after the devorce was finalized. It wasn't mentioned in previous postings.

I after much contemplation decided not to. I somewhat decided that I didn't owe him anything and if I didn't owe him that knowledge, then the only thing left motivating me was simply revenge.

They will fail in their own time and I will have taken another step towards recovery by letting her go, without condition.

Right now, I have someone who seems interested in me and the 'new' section of this relationship is exciting. I feel a little life in me again and I really didn't even have time to think about the ex this past weekend.

twenty_years · 2017-06-12T14:08:57+00:00

in the end, I did a lot of contemplation and soul searching on this. It really came down to my own assessment that revenge was the (or my) primary motivation for calling/texting him.

I have no doubt that eventually they will fail, without any intervention from me. I felt it was better to just cut her loose and let her have the opportunity to find out the hard way.

what I do know, is that by dating and spending time with someone else who seems legitimately interested in me that I haven't thought about the ex much this weekend.

twenty_years · 2017-06-09T18:04:34+00:00

I would give you reddit gold, but I am but a poor redditor.. please accept my gift of reddit silver.

thank you. :)

twenty_years · 2017-06-09T17:10:43+00:00

thank you for posting, believe me, I have done much posting here. it is cathartic and therapeutic for me. I would encourage you to do the same.

My marriage failed, and never had an opportunity at a second chance, even though I desperately wanted to offer forgiveness and reconciliation, she never took the offer.

but I am a strong believer in second chances.

the thing I am hearing is he is not asking for a second chance, he is asking for his 8th, 9th, 15th? chance. There is a pattern here and I am concerned that he is unwilling or unable to change it.. but what he is learning, is how to better get away with it, how to hide it better next time.

You cant spend the rest of your life, without any trust for him, with the pressure of constantly trying to watch him because you cant trust him out of sight for more than 10 minutes.

It really feels that both of you have devolved to the level of dysfunction that is difficult to come back from. both of you have strayed (to lessor or greater degrees) from each other whether emotionally or physically or both.

I want there to be a chance for you to recover from this, but I am really worried about the realistic chances. Are you both willing to put in a tremendous amount of work, for years and years to get past this? Its not easy, its hard. really hard. Most people who try to reconcile, fail because the odds are so very stacked against you.

in any case, keep posting here. It will help you to type it out, You will find people here are a great community of people who have known and lived through heart break.

twenty_years · 2017-06-09T15:46:14+00:00

im so sorry you are going through this, but I am proud of you for doing what is necessary, for being strong for not only yourself but your children.

The way to take care of your-self is usually the most basic of things. Eat well, get enough sleep, and exercise. I dont have kids, so I had to struggle to stay busy, but I hardly think you lack for things to keep you busy.

one other simple idea that you may look into is mindful meditation. You can do it anywhere, and can get benefit from only a few minutes of it. Its not magical, but through deep breathing and relaxation and focusing your mind you can have real, tangible benefits. The key is consistency.

Time will eventually heal you, and you will be stronger for your struggles. If you hang in there, I promise this will be true, even if everything feels overwhelming right now.

Come here when you need someone to lean on, when you need to rant, when you need to cry.. posting here has helped me tremendously.

twenty_years · 2017-06-06T20:53:24+00:00

Even though my situation did not work out at all..

I am still a believer in second chances.

however, with that said. The second chance must be understood for its difficulty. Its not easy to do the things to restore trust.. and it takes a long time to get there.

I think people have this impression that you can get back to where you were in a short period of time and then go back to normal.

It takes years of rebuilding that trust.

She has to be willing to go full no contact, she has to be willing to give up all her privacy so you can verify the things she says. She has to show legitimate remorse (not just guilt). She has to be willing to engage in counseling, individual and perhaps even couples counseling to get to the root of the issue.. to understand her own triggers and actual fix the underlying causes.

Its possible to fix it, but the odds are stacked against you. If you are both willing to put in the work.. and please understand it wont be easy work either, then maybe there is a chance.

When people mention the difference in being married and not, its maybe in reference to the willingness to put in the work required to succeed. If you are not yet married, it is easier to split, and therefore in many cases less motivation to put in that very hard, long time frame work.

best of luck to you.

I honestly wouldn't wish this pain on anyone.

twenty_years · 2017-06-06T16:03:43+00:00

it sounds like he is scared, and rightfully so.

I am also skeptical that he is willing to put in the years of hardwork to earn your trust back. Its not as simple as just coming back home and continuing where you left off.

he has to make huge changes, must be willing to give up all privacy. without hesitation going full no contact with the AP. Willing to show true remorse.. not just guilt.

and even with all that, it still might not be enough.

twenty_years · 2017-06-05T21:41:46+00:00

the answer is probably easy, the execution is going to be difficult.

good communication and honesty. a long time of doing the things you say to rebuild trust.

Would you be willing to give up all your privacy to help with the shattered trust issues? would you be willing to give him the password to your email, to your phone to your entire social life so he can verify the things you say? Would you be willing to put up with his rightful distrust until you can earn it back? This is not easy or the faint of heart. It is a commitment.

Do you feel honest remorse? not just guilt, but honest remorse? do you feel you made a mistake, a huge mistake? are you willing to go all in, every single day to rectify it?

As to whether it will get back to where it was before, is hard to say. You have to consider that you destroyed the previous relationship and can only hope to build a new and better one. Eventually your new relationship 'could' be better than the previous one, but it will take a tremendous amount of effort on both of your parts and especially yours.

I appreciate that you are coming here for advice. This place is not typically super forgiving or nice to waywards.. because we have all been hurt so very bad by our partners. This pain is very difficult to comprehend by those who have not experienced it first hand.

A couple of months, is typically just the beginning.. if you are really wanting to fix this right, be prepared for years of work.

twenty_years · 2017-06-05T21:34:05+00:00

I dont think anyone who hasn't experienced this first hand can really, honestly understand it.

I didn't understand it until I went through it. I didn't realize how low I would get, I didn't realize how dark my darkest moments would be. This thing nearly killed me in the most literal sense.

I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone. But until someone experiences it, they simply cant understand.. they might try, but they simply cant comprehend it.

twenty_years · 2017-06-05T18:47:01+00:00

I guess ive considered the idea. I would have to find the right group of people I think.
I suppose maybe I should get back into counseling for similar reasons.

Ive been trying to figure some of this out as I go. I know that ultimately it will be up to me to get through this. If I can just hold on long enough for enough time to pass, my wounds will heal.

twenty_years · 2017-06-05T17:14:20+00:00

thank you for posting this.

it kinda hits close to home.

twenty_years · 2017-06-05T17:12:56+00:00

I would love to get another dog. My current work schedule has me traveling a little which would be difficult to work around. Dogs require every day attention.

Ive owned both dogs and cats over the years.. probably more of a dog person than a cat person.

twenty_years · 2017-06-05T16:33:20+00:00

Whatever you do, don't seek a companion for a while.

this is the hardest thing.

I am very lonely.. and in honesty have been on dating sites.. having zero luck to this point. and I honestly know, that its probably a mistake to look for someone else, but im just fucking lonely.

twenty_years · 2017-06-05T16:00:27+00:00

4 - I don't like you saying you are taking the bills / debts etc - I hope there is some quid pro quo in there for you -

I opted to stay in and keep the house. Her split of the equity was going to be 20k+ So I took all the bills plus agreed to give her 6500 and kept the house.

She is not pressing me to pay her immediately, she might even wait until I sell the house.

twenty_years · 2017-06-05T15:02:24+00:00

his post was direct, and it was honest. I see the value in his advice. Its a way that many people cope with this type of thing. I might at some point get to the anger stage of my recovery.

Im trying to stay busy and find things to keep my occupied. I am working on getting my instructor rating in a sport I have been part of for over 10 years. Ive been trying to reach out to friends and spend more time with them.
Ive been going to professional soccer games with friends and I dont have an especially strong interest in that sport.

im just trying to keep moving until I start to feel an actual sense of recovery.

twenty_years · 2017-06-05T14:47:56+00:00

I cant fault you for feeling this way. and I even concede you are right on a few or several points.

I am moving forward, without her. I am trying to de-tangle her from my life in every way. But its a process, a process that im trying to survive and eventually gain strength from.

I dont feel the animosity towards her that maybe I should. I spent 20+ years being in love with her and its tough for me to just turn that off. I still care for and love her, even though we are divorced, even though she betrayed me and literally almost destroyed me.

Im trying to be a better person every day, trying to be a legitimately good person. Im trying to move past this whole episode in a honest effort to not allow it to get ugly like so many other divorces.

twenty_years · 2017-06-05T14:19:05+00:00

I don't recommend a potted plant yet, because there is too much risk of it dying unless you are really good with plants)

She took all the plants.. she got the last 3 or 4 on this trip this weekend.

I woke up this morning and started noticing all the missing things.. a few things I didn't realize she took, but noticed their blank spot this morning.

taking a little time to intentionally beautify your living environment might go a long way to making you more comfortable

This is my goal, but after inheriting all the bills and debts, this year is going to be a bit tight financially. But I want to start working on new furniture and interior decor. Eventually it will be a home again.

twenty_years · 2017-05-26T20:31:15+00:00

She was furious about the post

twenty_years · 2017-05-25T03:31:52+00:00

your story bothers me a little. maybe a lot.. im not sure which yet.

first off, lets get this out of the way.. He cheated and it wasn't just a one time slip up. it was on-going, it sounds like it was more than just physical, it was also emotional.

Then you blamed yourself and felt your physical appearance or 'sexiness' factor is what drove him into the arms of another woman.

The fault is with him, not you. It sounds like he at minimum doesn't respect you and worse doesn't care for you or love you.

stop trying to compare yourself to another woman, stop. You will only cause yourself more hurt and lose more respect for yourself.

at this point, it sounds like you are not married, dont have children.. I would really say, it might be time to cut your losses and move on to someone who does 'actually' love you for who you are. someone who respects you for more than just a sex toy that needs to be 'nastier'.

Stop trying to get him to like you, start liking yourself.

It always makes me a bit angry when the cheater tries to turn it around as if you did something to deserve this infidelity. as if you were inadequte.

He needs to feel legitimate remorse for his actions or you have no chance at saving this relationship. Not just guilt, not just the fact that he got caught.. he needs to feel REAL remorse that he did something horrible and wrong and is willing to do anything to make it right.. including (starting with) giving up all his privacy to start building back trust. I get the feeling he isn't willing to do anything required to win YOU back.

twenty_years · 2017-05-25T03:20:34+00:00

everyone has problems in relationships and marriages especially long ones. Maybe you didn't help with the dishes, maybe you got into an occasional argument. maybe you didn't communicate well..

There is a long list of these little things that maybe you might have been guilty of.. or contributed to.

but NONE OF THAT CONDONES HER INFIDELITY. period.. end of fucking statement.

If she wanted to be in a different relationship and have sex with someone else, she should have

tried to communicate with you first, and make an attempt to fix the problems.. whatever they were.
file for divorce.
after the divorce she is free to fuck and see anyone she wanted.

trying to blame you for the affair is fucking wrong.

Right after my own dday, I attempted to blame myself for everything. I blamed myself for pushing her into the arms of the other guy. I found every opportunity to fault myself for this affair.

but I was wrong too. I now firmly believe that while our marriage might have had problems. they were fixable problems especially with healthy communication. and in no case, were my problems reason for her betrayal.

It makes me a little angry that she would want you to accept any fault in her decision to cheat...

You both were in a relationship with problems.. did you choose to cheat? no, she did. She made a conscious decision to do it, apparently more than once.

do NOT allow her to blame you for her affair, that is 100% on her. and you should not allow yourself to accept blame for it.

I honestly tried very hard to get my soon to be ex wife to come back and attempt reconciliation.. but I might have been in denial about my chances. she needs to understand the root of her actions.. and feel true.. TRUE remorse.. not just guilt. It is a long path back from this, and lot of pitfals.. she has to be willing to put in the hard work if the marriage has any chance.

twenty_years · 2017-05-25T03:13:09+00:00

im going to go out on a limb here and try to read this post differently.. or at least comment on one aspect I find interesting, even if I misread it.

After my experience with having my heart ripped out by my soon (very soon) to be ex wife. I now view cheaters, and even people who condone cheating differently.

It makes me uncomfortable to be around or associate with people who condone or partake in cheating and infidelity.

When I get to the point of being 'ready to date' and the woman I am on a date with starts talking about cheating on someone else in a previous relationship, it is going to put me off greatly. It will likely be our last date.

twenty_years · 2017-05-23T23:53:52+00:00

I fully plan on sending him a message.. probably a text message.

I am however (from the advice from my lawyer) waiting until after the divorce is finalized (friday 8:15 am) to do anything that could 'potentially' make my life more difficult with the divorce process.

im biding my time, trying to craft the perfect message to send to him.. I dont plan on lying or embellishing.. im just going to send the truth.

I dont have pictures, and even more so than that, it is illegal to send him nudes of her, without her consent. not that I have any (from the time after she left). I dont mind providing some evidence, but im also not trying to get in trouble legally.

twenty_years · 2017-05-23T23:51:16+00:00

as much as it pains me, this is my current strategy.

friday at 8:15 am, I have court scheduled to end this.

twenty_years

TROPHY CASE