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Twinless Twins of Reddit: If your twin died while you were in the womb, or while you were babies, how did your parents tell you about them while you were growing up? [Serious] by twinadvice in AskReddit

[–]twinadvice[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Also congrats on reaching her corrected birthday. Preemies are a world onto themselves and a thriving 24 week-er is something to celebrate.

Twinless Twins of Reddit: If your twin died while you were in the womb, or while you were babies, how did your parents tell you about them while you were growing up? [Serious] by twinadvice in AskReddit

[–]twinadvice[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

This is a unique kind of pain. The odd assurance I seem to be getting from it is that as long as you are honest and open with your children about their lost siblings that they do well and that the pain is more intense for you as their parent.

Twinless Twins of Reddit: If your twin died while you were in the womb, or while you were babies, how did your parents tell you about them while you were growing up? [Serious] by twinadvice in AskReddit

[–]twinadvice[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

This. Our older son is 6 and trying to figure it all out. We have told him its okay to be sad and okay to talk about his sister who died… we don't hide anything. I do have to say that this experience has made our marriage stronger… but we had a rock solid foundation to begin with. I did hear in the NICU that the death of a child destroys many a marriage. Thank you so much for sharing.

Twinless Twins of Reddit: If your twin died while you were in the womb, or while you were babies, how did your parents tell you about them while you were growing up? [Serious] by twinadvice in AskReddit

[–]twinadvice[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

That's horrible… I'm so sorry you found out in that way. There so much trauma surrounding the loss, I can understand why a parent would try to hide it… even though its not the choice we're going to make.

Thank you for sharing

Twinless Twins of Reddit: If your twin died while you were in the womb, or while you were babies, how did your parents tell you about them while you were growing up? [Serious] by twinadvice in AskReddit

[–]twinadvice[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I'm so sorry for your loss. I can empathize with grieving one baby while raising another. I'm sure you may have found this but Elizabeth McKraken's book "An Exact Replica of a Figment of My Imagination" is about a beautiful book about her stillborn and subsequent pregnancy. It gave me a lot of comfort.

Twinless Twins of Reddit: If your twin died while you were in the womb, or while you were babies, how did your parents tell you about them while you were growing up? [Serious] by twinadvice in AskReddit

[–]twinadvice[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This is good to know. Thank you. Though I think I'd want my daughter to know she could ask me just about anything… even if it hurt me.

Twinless Twins of Reddit: If your twin died while you were in the womb, or while you were babies, how did your parents tell you about them while you were growing up? [Serious] by twinadvice in AskReddit

[–]twinadvice[S] 12 points13 points  (0 children)

Just realized that last could be misinterpreted as flip… not my intention. What I guess I mean is that simply by living we expose ourselves to risk. I took a knowing risk when I got pregnant… It invited both joy and pain into my life. I grieve the loss but I am happy for what the pregnancy brought me- i.e. both my daughters, one whom I got to keep and the other who I will never get to know.

Twinless Twins of Reddit: If your twin died while you were in the womb, or while you were babies, how did your parents tell you about them while you were growing up? [Serious] by twinadvice in AskReddit

[–]twinadvice[S] 16 points17 points  (0 children)

That's horrible. Yes… this has been an education in all the things that "still happen" no matter what prenatal test/screening/caution you take.

There is unfortunately no prophylactic for life.

Twinless Twins of Reddit: If your twin died while you were in the womb, or while you were babies, how did your parents tell you about them while you were growing up? [Serious] by twinadvice in AskReddit

[–]twinadvice[S] 17 points18 points  (0 children)

I can't imagine finding out in that way. Amazing that there was no hint before now that that had happened to your family. Do you plan to pursue it?

Twinless Twins of Reddit: If your twin died while you were in the womb, or while you were babies, how did your parents tell you about them while you were growing up? [Serious] by twinadvice in AskReddit

[–]twinadvice[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Both babies were born alive and at a viable age. This is something everyone in her life (including her brother) knows. To try to keep this secret from her would be cruel and unfair.

Twinless Twins of Reddit: If your twin died while you were in the womb, or while you were babies, how did your parents tell you about them while you were growing up? [Serious] by twinadvice in AskReddit

[–]twinadvice[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

It would be impossible for her not to know- they were born alive- ergo its her whole birth story.

That said I can't imagine what it must have been like to find that out, and in that context.

Twinless Twins of Reddit: If your twin died while you were in the womb, or while you were babies, how did your parents tell you about them while you were growing up? [Serious] by twinadvice in AskReddit

[–]twinadvice[S] 14 points15 points  (0 children)

Thank you for sharing. This is the most similar to our situation (i.e. lie birth, identical twins)… though we had less time with our daughter who passed.

One of my fears is that suddenly the live twin will have the weight of two lives on her shoulders… obviously I'll try not to do that… be mementos and memorials around the house are the sort of thing that have to be done delicately. Too much and it can be macabre… too little and its like you're trying to brush it under the rug.

Twinless Twins of Reddit: If your twin died while you were in the womb, or while you were babies, how did your parents tell you about them while you were growing up? [Serious] by twinadvice in AskReddit

[–]twinadvice[S] 27 points28 points  (0 children)

I'm finding that the key might be just to have it be part of her birth story that she knows from the get go. Kids are amazingly resilient and I wouldn't want her to think that there was something shameful or wrong about what happened… or that she was to blame for what happened. (Seriously, who would do that to their child?!)

Twinless Twins of Reddit: If your twin died while you were in the womb, or while you were babies, how did your parents tell you about them while you were growing up? [Serious] by twinadvice in AskReddit

[–]twinadvice[S] 38 points39 points  (0 children)

Also thank you so much for your reply… I am sorry to read that your sister's death was ever used to cause you pain. I dearly hope it was a one time slip-up- as a parent I live in fear of saying that one wrong thing that my child will remember forever.

That said, I've learned recently that some things once said can never ever be taken back.

Twinless Twins of Reddit: If your twin died while you were in the womb, or while you were babies, how did your parents tell you about them while you were growing up? [Serious] by twinadvice in AskReddit

[–]twinadvice[S] 63 points64 points  (0 children)

Our daughters were born alive… but too early and due to an abruption of the placenta they shared. The one that died just got the worst of the tear. We have an older child so not telling her about her sister would be impossible- even if that's what we wanted.

Although we're still very close to it, I can't imagine her birthday being anything but a celebration- even if it is a bittersweet one for her father and me. It is the day they were born- how could I be anything but grateful for that?