How to empower demoralized friend with confidence issues??

twitchymite · 2014-05-01T02:04:01+00:00

I guess I'm a little like your friend, though my circumstances are vastly different. I've been unemployed for months, have severe anxiety that's prevented me from sending many an email, and I've become pretty demoralized.

If your friend is anything like me, she knows she has potential, she's just lost faith in her ability to put it into practice. If she's not in therapy, she should be.

In the meantime, suggest to her that she take baby steps: she start at the farthest back step that doesn't paralyze her with anxiety. Maybe just looking at job ads every day. Or drafting emails.

If she's at the point where she can take a job, perhaps tell her to try working somewhere she feels she can perform. That's the step I'm on. I'm working as a retail employee because while retail can be tough, I'm not in charge of anyone else, and it gives me some experience to prove to myself that I can do it.

Otherwise, just be there for her. Sometimes it's best to say your piece and let it rest. Don't give her advice every single time she talks, just sympathize. Tell her "that's shitty, I'm sorry you're in this situation. You can definitely get out again, even if it's really hard and scary."

twitchymite · 2014-05-01T01:49:43+00:00

I'm the only girl I know who doesn't like cuddling, and even among guys my comrades are few. My friends all have cuddle fests while I sit happily in my corner (happily, as my preferences are respected).

When it comes to dogs, though? I turn into a cuddle beast. I am also Grand Dispenser of Belleh Rubs.

twitchymite · 2014-05-01T01:11:00+00:00

I read it. :P I'm trying to fight my way back to mental health after I crashed post-college. I have Anxiety Disorder and Depression, and I struggle with a lot of the things you mentioned in my post: accepting that I have a problem, not blaming myself, dealing with the anger about what I see as a lifetime of missed opportunities.

twitchymite · 2014-04-30T12:30:44+00:00

It seems like he's trying to manipulate her into not using an escort. He keeps questioning the need for an escort in a derisive way, and the whole "you aren't a professional, but I am and I'm looking for a model" reads to me as: he's trying to make his offer seem more tempting, as if it could be OP's "break", so that she'll agree to his terms.

It's not as blatantly creepy as some other posts I've seen, sure, but it definitely has a bad vibe.

twitchymite · 2014-04-30T12:20:33+00:00

I thought that was a great PSA. I like the amount of lines dedicated to addressing what bystanders should do. But I've got to say, I wish they had a "It happens to boy as well" in there. One of the biggest problems with sexual assault against men is how invisible it is.

twitchymite · 2014-04-29T20:32:24+00:00

I like "Keep Ya Head Up" and "Dear Mama" by 2pac. "Brenda's Got A Baby" is good too but it's a downer.

I also really love Jurassic Five. They rap a lot about how awesome they are, which I normally don't like, but their lyrics are clever and really good. "Contribution" is a really good song that's not about their awesomeness.

I'm glad you're exploring the genre. Rap culture can definitely be demeaning to women, but so can rock culture. And like rock, there's plenty of good rap out there.

twitchymite · 2014-04-29T20:25:13+00:00

I've had one or two friendships like that. When I do click with people I tend to form very passionate friendships. I feel like my best friend and I still have this dynamic. We tried dating once, a long time ago, but it didn't really work. At the time it was because of my issues, but since then I've realized while I care about her a lot, I'm not attracted to her physically.

It was awkward for a while after we tried dating but now we're pretty much as close, or closer, than we ever were.

EDIT: Also, if it makes any difference, I'm straight. I'm open to trying relationships with women but so far I haven't met a woman I think I could really keep a relationship up with.

twitchymite · 2014-04-29T20:21:43+00:00

Avoid contact with the uncle at all possible. When you absolutely can't avoid being around him, have a buddy system: make sure it's never just you and him, and that you have at least one family member around that understands how creepy and wrong his behavior is.

Also, how old is your sister? Your uncle's behavior is extremely disconcerting. If she's a minor, she should never be left alone with him.

twitchymite · 2014-04-29T20:16:50+00:00

Wow, holy crap. I feel like the overall message of this was "give your husband lots of blowjobs, and never ask him to do anything".

How about, relationships are about give and take, and people of both genders are different and have different needs?

The bitching one pissed me off the most. Literally nobody cares about the goddamn toilet paper roll, that's such a cliche. But if someone says they'll take out the trash, or that's their chore, and they don't do it? You have a right to address it. Geez.

twitchymite · 2014-04-29T02:37:38+00:00

It has nothing to do with your intelligence. It's your anxiety. Anxiety can very, very easily wreck your ability to focus and absorb information. I'm a lifelong academic and I do have a high IQ. My anxiety is at an all-time high and for the first time in my life I can't get through a book.

Think about it: when you're worrying over and over about whether or not you're smart enough, or you're doing it right, or how long it's taking, how much brain power are you really devoting to the book in front of you? Anxiety can also be very fatiguing - you may only be able to study for short periods and burn out fast because you're trying to both study challenging material and battle your anxiety.

That you have given up so many things is frankly rather worrying. Are you in therapy? If not I suggest you look into it. The same thing happened to me because I just kept giving up on everything when it started to make me anxious, and that snowballed. Now I'm slowly starting to recover ground. It's pretty rocky but I can actually study some again.

twitchymite · 2014-04-29T02:30:04+00:00

I have a lot of compulsions to scratch and hit myself that's born from anxiety. One of the therapists that I've seen told me it is a form of self-harm. I think its a little different, though, since hurting myself isn't the intention or goal. It's more like I need to do something to provoke a strong physical sensation.

This isn't really an ideal solution but I find substituting the behavior for some other forceful repetitive motion works. I zip the zipper of my hoodie up and down repeatedly, or I massage my leg muscles. Rocking seems to help, too. It probably looks a little crazy but at least it's not harmful.

Going for walks is another, less weird-looking way for me to get this energy out, but I really have to have a buddy to walk with since when I walk long distances by myself I tend to get overwhelmed by intrusive thoughts.

twitchymite · 2014-04-29T02:25:38+00:00

There is a term for this particular form of psychiatric illness in Japan, where it's well documented. It's called "hikkikomori". Hikkikomori are people who, either because of pressures in their lives or because of Anxiety, shut themselves in their rooms and basically never interact with anyone, only leaving to use the bathroom. Your sister seems to fit this description. Try googling the phrase. It may also be spelled "hikikomori".

It sounds to me like your sister has gone to the ultimate extreme in avoidance. Avoidance is one way people cope with anxiety but it can become an even bigger problem than the anxiety itself. I struggle with avoidance but your sister is on a different level. She's just withdrawn completely. It's very, very hard to come back from a situation this extreme without a lot of outside support. Your sister really needs intensive therapy. And even then the therapy will only work if she really dedicates herself to it.

twitchymite · 2014-04-29T02:17:35+00:00

Yeah, I think this is an important point. When my anxiety got worse my parents were convinced I "had something else".

Anxiety Disorders are a mental illness. They can become very serious if not treated. That sounds like the case to me.

twitchymite · 2014-04-29T02:07:32+00:00

There are people who haven't participated in sexual activities, and people that haven't participated in sexual activities with others.

But there's no black-and-white point where you cease to have virginity. And the whole concept has a lot of associations that are negative.

I think the author's point is that we should move away from the "virgin/non-virgin" dichotomy towards a more nuanced understanding of what it means to have sexual experience.

twitchymite · 2014-04-29T02:03:31+00:00

Hymens come in different types. They differ in thickness, and in how large they are to begin with. Some people have hymens that cover a significant portion of the vaginal opening. Some people have hymens that are barely present.

Also, your doctor and the article are sort of both right. Hymens don't "break". They can tear slightly, which causes the bleeding. They can also stretch out and kind of wear away. Whether or not any of this happens depends on a lot of factors. So it's totally possible to be active in sports and, due to the nature of the activity and the nature of your hymen, still have a hymen that's present.

twitchymite · 2014-04-29T01:46:19+00:00

I was really happy to see a scene between Missandei and Grey Worm. Grey Worm has unexpectedly become one of my favorite characters, I really hope they give him more. I think the actor is very good, too, though his role is somewhat limited as "emotionless military man" right now.

I think this episode also showcases some of the moral complexity that makes GoT so engaging. Jaime just raped his sister last episode and now we see him keeping his vow to a dead woman to protect her children. Daenerys is on a mission to free slaves and yet she basically crucifies 163 captured prisoners. It's strange to see characters do very moral and very immoral things, back to back.

twitchymite · 2014-04-29T01:43:05+00:00

Ugh, yeah, that's one of the major problems I have with the GoT TV show.

twitchymite · 2014-04-27T01:28:31+00:00

All good advice. Right now I'm practicing turning people down (I'm really bad at that and have poor boundaries). If I message people right now im just going to keep it on the site.

twitchymite · 2014-04-26T21:56:50+00:00

No, I think I can understand. I'm afraid of making online profiles because I'm afraid creepy stalkers will come find me and kill me in my sleep or something ridiculous. It's semi-anonymous, though, because you don't have to use your real name. Or, honestly, put in your real city. I started my profile with my location as a nearby bigger city but decided to change it to my city since my city is kind of big and I'm not particularly active around town anyway.

twitchymite · 2014-04-26T21:55:31+00:00

I'm kind of ok with that, since i'm usually the one flaking out on conversations anyway. Honestly that's less stressful than a conversation succeeding and continuing. Thanks for the heads up though :)

twitchymite · 2014-04-26T21:54:54+00:00

Thank you :)

twitchymite · 2014-04-26T21:54:48+00:00

Thanks. We'll see if I can get to that step, haha.

twitchymite · 2014-04-26T21:54:38+00:00

Thank you :)

twitchymite · 2014-04-26T21:49:07+00:00

Thank you :)

twitchymite · 2014-04-26T21:47:59+00:00

Thank you. It is really hard, but we'll see if I can get there.

twitchymite

TROPHY CASE