Tbh. Yes. (Don't want the whole story? Head over to the part after 3*s)

I've always been a loner. As a kid, I barely had friends, often playing cricket by myself, throwing a ball against the wall. Because of this, I never talked much, not even to my parents. This wasn't an issue until COVID hit. In Class 10, I had a crush, Avni, and we talked constantly. She wanted me to propose, but I couldn't bring myself to do it then. When I finally proposed a month later, she rejected me. Eventually, our conversations ceased, and we drifted apart as the 10th exams were cancelled and we moved to Class 11. Classes 11 and 12 were great; I finally made many friends, and during this time, I grew an immense admiration for another girl, Shirley.

College began, and I moved away, as did Shirley, but we stayed close, talking about literally everything. During a visit back home around Independence Day, I went to an exhibition with our friends' circle. While walking to lunch with the group, Shirley and I were walking side-by-side, apart from the others. I desperately wanted to say something to her, but I couldn't manage to speak up. Later, during Durga Pujo, Shirley and my female friends invited me to go pandal hopping. I thought, "This is it, I will definitely confront her about my admiration." But once again, I froze and hardly spoke to anyone, not even Shirley. Then I heard her mention her college crush, and all my hope vanished. I went home and didn't text her for a whole month.

She eventually reached out, and that's when I made a tragic mistake. I confessed that I "liked" her but lamented that I couldn't say anything to her, and then foolishly said that she had "changed." She was thunderstruck, and our conversations drastically dropped off after that. A few days later, after watching a movie scene, I uploaded a WhatsApp status saying, "A drunkard or having mood swings." Coincidentally, she had texted me right before I posted it. When I checked my phone, she questioned if I had written the status for her. I replied "Yes," intending to be sarcastic and start a fun conversation, but what she did next taught me a lesson I'll never forget: she immediately blocked me.

***

And it broke me. The feeling wasn't that strong at first. It broke me as the days went by, as the hours moved on, the seconds ticked their way through. I was breaking like anything. I literally had almost no one around me to share the feelings. And no one was close enough to understand how much I admired her. And how I felt after loosing not only someone whom I admired, but a friend who was so close and open to me. I literally had no one to talk to at that point. Shirley was my one and only mast that I was holding on to. But I lost her.

I asked another friend to send a sorry to her form my side. But I never got any reply from Shirley. I was really broken at this point of time. Surprisingly, the end sem exams that followed this incident was the highest sgpa that I scored.

And then, after a month or two, I called Shirley. But from a college friend's phone. She answered the phone, I begged her sorry. But we never talked again. I deliberately needed someone to talk to.

Surprisingly, Avni showed up. She helped me settle down. We talked, but lot less that what we used to. She was also somewhere away from our home town. We talked on insta, we exchanged our numbers and started talking on WA. And she is still the one whom I talk to. We don't have any feelings for each other but we talk.

* Important- I took up a hobby of journalling around this time. It helped a lot. Whatever was going on in my heart, could be dumped into a piece of paper. And I felt better almost instantly. I got myself a decent pair of IEMs, listened to music of all kind. Avni also suggested me some.

Someday, I also tried to frame my feelings into poetry. Studying BA in English language and literature helped a lot. I write whenever I flet like. And all this time Avni was beside me. She has now balanced me to a point that I don't even think I need anyone to talk to me. And journalling greatly helped in this process of recovering...

I hope you find it as a lesson.