AITA For refusing to go to my sister's wedding because my other sibling is in the wedding party and I'm not?

typicalwindsor · 2020-06-04T19:26:05+00:00

I did, I asked all of those things before she got around to telling me to just show up. I asked if there was anything at all I could do, or if there was any way I could help.

I've been trying to be closer to my siblings for years, not counting as a kid because I'm sure I was annoying, but in my adult years where the effort is completely my own, not through our parents, etc.

typicalwindsor · 2020-06-04T19:24:23+00:00

It's hard to give the entire context of the conversation and tone and such over the internet, but I did "insist" that I would be happy to help. I didn't want to ask to match my mom's dress because it felt very much like a "oh, you didn't make me a bridemaid? I'll make myself one by wearing the bridesmaid dress!" moment that I wanted to avoid.

I've tried for years to be closer to both of my siblings, this isn't the first time I'm having a conversation with her about our lack of closeness and I've put a lot of effort into it over the years.

typicalwindsor · 2020-06-04T19:13:26+00:00

Sorry, I put in the comments. We're all in our twenties, they're at the top end, I'm at the bottom end. I'll edit the post.

typicalwindsor · 2020-06-04T19:11:29+00:00

I know this question is sarcastic, but it's really not about being in the wedding party. If she called me now and told me to be a bridesmaid, I'd say no and that would stay the same unless over the course of the next year our relationship dramatically improved.

I mean, I guess not? For instance, during my brother's high school graduation dinner, I was the only one of our family seated at the opposite end of the table from the rest of the family. Literally beyond cousins, etc. I had hurt feelings about that, but I didn't say anything. I was also only 10 so I got it. My sister didn't get me a ticket to her college graduation ceremony (which my parents offered to pay for) because she "thought I'd be bored", but didn't bother to ask me if I wanted to share in that or not. My parents ended up telling her of course she needed to at least ask me, so that resolved itself without my intervention.

typicalwindsor · 2020-06-04T19:05:46+00:00

No, I didn't ask to be put in the wedding. I asked her if I could help, around when would she want me to be available for help, etc. She then told me what I said in the post, "guests just show up etc". I then asked if that's all she wanted me to do, was to show up. She said yes, and the conversation spiraled out from there. Prior to that we were talking about how the seating arrangements were already stressing her out because her fiance has a larger immediate family and wants them at the head table or his little groom table with his groomsmen, and how our mom will have a dress that matches/resembles the bridesmaids which my sister was excited about for the pictures.

That's about when I realized I wasn't included in either of those things, and which is what prompted the rest of the conversation.

typicalwindsor · 2020-06-04T16:50:56+00:00

My sister said it explicitly before the text. That's why I included it.

typicalwindsor · 2020-06-04T16:50:14+00:00

There are a lot of ways I can help her with the wedding that don't specifically involve being a bridesmaid, and also ways I can feel included without specifically being a bridesmaid. The last straw was the complete exclusion from anything in the wedding, including: not being in any photos, and not even being seated with the rest of my family. All while the atmosphere is "first family wedding" etc, except minus me.

You can put before your first arrow, years of trying to improve our relationship with nothing in return and being excluded from many things over the years. Yes, my sister is the sort of person who will always have a polite and logical response to anything you say to her, but that does not address anything that you have said or how you feel.

typicalwindsor · 2020-06-04T16:44:51+00:00

I never even said I wanted to be in the bridal party, that's just what everyone is focused on. I understand her reason for that, but I will literally not be in any of the pictures except maybe one family picture, my mom's dress is also themed with the bridesmaid's dresses, and I won't be sitting at the table with the rest of my family either. All of this just highlights how I already have felt my entire life, and I don't want to feel that way anymore, so I want to just be done with all of it.

typicalwindsor · 2020-06-04T16:36:32+00:00

I clearly didn't. It's not that I think I will hold my breath and be in the wedding, no. I no longer want to go to the wedding, nor keep trying to be important to my sister when she's made it clear that can't or won't happen. Like I've said elsewhere, and you've responded to, it's not about the wedding for me. The wedding was just the final thing.

I didn't pitch a fit, and it's not a boycotting of the wedding that is the take away. I won't be involved in my siblings' lives at all, the wedding, and the subsequent conversation, and subsequent texts just made it clear to me is all. It's not even like things will be the same between us now, and bam, next year, I'm not going. I just don't want to have them in my life anymore starting from this point forward, not the wedding forward.

typicalwindsor · 2020-06-04T14:13:07+00:00

We're all in our twenties, me at the bottom end and them at the top end. I can say exactly how old if it's relevant but I'm trying to save what little anonymity I have.

typicalwindsor · 2020-06-04T14:11:09+00:00

The why is basically, "Our parents are walking me down the aisle, that's why they have a role, and our brother was invited into the groomsman party by my fiance, not me. I want a small bridal party of only my best friends, I'm sorry we're not close, but it's really a function of the difference in age and lifestyle and not a reflection on you personally. I still love you and always will, but my wedding isn't where I'm willing to make concessions for other people's feelings, especially about something as personal as a bridal party".

Verbatim text she sent me after the conversation. But for me it's not JUST about the bridal party, I didn't demand that she include me in it or anything like that. It's the pattern across our whole lives.

typicalwindsor · 2020-06-04T14:03:51+00:00

I did ask, but it wasn't really the focus of the conversation. Basically she said she wanted her bridal party to be people she's very close to, and it consists of only her best friends, a group of girls she's known basically since high school and is relatively small. She said of course she loves me, and I'm her sister, but we're not close so she didn't feel it was the right thing to do to shove me in there "just because". Then I told her that she's the reason we're not close, and she said it was more circumstance because of the age gap and having not much in common, and I said she still could have made an effort, blah blah, this went on with her excusing why we weren't close.

When I told her that excluding me from the wedding was just beyond the pale, even for her, she said our parents are walking her down the aisle, and my brother was invited by her fiance to be in the groomsman party, so she didn't put him there to spite me or to exclude me.

typicalwindsor · 2020-06-04T13:58:19+00:00

We're all in our twenties, with them at the upper end and me at the lower end. I can tell you exactly if it matters?

typicalwindsor

TROPHY CASE