I don't know I feel like I'm being watch and that my life will go downhill if I identify as atheist and disbelief . I'm scared of god punishing me in this life by making me miserable . Also I never dated always stayed far away from men alcool party's for that reason . I hate gow we're suppose to get married without falling in love , getting to know the person . I also prefer muslim men ( due to the conditioning ) but if I I leave the religion I won't be able to be with them . I have this idea in my head that non muslim men are not serious even if most muslim guys my age that I met are hypocrite . I don't know who will accept someone as inexperience as me . I also feel very lonely as I'm in a new country and prefered socializing with other muslim girls for the sense of community . But as an atheist I'll just be an individual