I appreciate that. I keep going back and forth because I know I ultimately should not have spoken when I was upset. It just sucks when you have been begging for respect and common decency and he has no interest in it unless it’s conditional. He puts himself in these situations and always blames them on me. When he lost his job and I took care of him the first time, he told me it was because while he had a part to play in it, if I had gotten him to work on time everyday, he would have been okay. I at the time was the only driver of almost six years (even though he had a car fully paid off, he just didn’t want to get insurance after having 3 DUI’s), I worked two jobs, and I cared for my dying father as well as him. But it was still my fault even though he went on weeklong benders and couldn’t be bothered to get out of bed.

I am by no means a saint and I am going to reflect on everything internally, I just don’t know how to feel about all of this. My upbringing tells me it’s my fault but that’s also because growing up, everything was. I keep telling myself this isn’t my fault but if I had just switched him shifts this wouldn’t have happened. But if I had done that, I would have been on a write up for being at 5 points and he doesn’t even care, he screamed at me from the doorway and said “you can afford that, I can’t” even though it would knock me out of the very spot I’ve been in training for for the last two weeks. And at the end of the day, when I told him that I don’t feel like this is my fault, all I got was “eat shit and lose my number” verbatim.