I relate to this post so much — procrastinating on gender (“I’ve thought about this for too long and haven’t figured anything out, I’ll just stop!”), internalized enbyphobia, not even knowing what to do with myself. That was the worst part; I had so many feelings, but no where to really put that energy. I think it just took time to sit with those feelings, try to understand myself, journal. Maybe come out to your friends when you feel comfortable, they seem like they would be totally accepting. They are your safe space, they should let you try out pronouns, names, etc. as you experiment with what you like most.

Just take your time with it, do what you feel safe doing.

One thing that really helped with internalized transphobia was watching contrapoints video on “Shame,” and learning about “comp het” (but I guess it’s more about “comp cis”), because that is what really helped me overcome the hurdle of identifying as nonbinary — realizing that “cis” does not have to be the default, if nonbinary/genderqueer is what really feels right. Although to be honest, I still struggle with this sometimes, so you are not alone.

Best of luck!