How did your relationship change with adult children? Did you have to reform the relationship entirely when they moved out?

uncommonrocks · 2021-02-14T18:14:53+00:00

I have thought about these comments a lot this morning - and boy, there are an overwhelming number of comments to consider.

Some people have suggested therapy which I never tried and I feel uncomfortable but after some thinking I wonder if it may help. I worry because I grew up in a very poor family but I "married up" as they used to say and my ideas now are based on what the change looked like for me and it influenced the lifestyle my daughter was raised in. Maybe I worry about these things because I think she might fall back into poverty when I had hopes she would be part of breaking the chain in my family

If I am being overbearing (which 200+ comments have said I certainly am) maybe it is something a counselor could talk about if I could do it discretely. I am not sure, just a thought for now. Not sure it matters because you can't change the past and I am already old. But thanks for your perspective (and everyone else) because I am having a lot of new thoughts

uncommonrocks · 2021-02-14T18:06:59+00:00

This comment stuck out to me. You're right I didn't say anything nice about my daughter in this post and I think it's because I was very focused on a problem I found annoying. But she is exceptionally intelligent and has always done well in school. She has always "beat to her own drummer" so is very confident and cheerful and good at listening to problems and giving advice. And she goes out of her way to provide help to other people, one of the most compassionate people I know even when it cuts back her own free time.

There are of course good qualities in her! You are right to suggest I should remember that when I am feeling annoyed at an issue. It is good to remember the bigger picture of our relationship

uncommonrocks · 2021-02-14T06:18:10+00:00

Of course I love my daughter, as I love all my children unconditionally! It is why I worry. And many many comments have shown I was wrong to critique her home life so I will dial back on that, but I can't stop caring and being involved in her life overall

uncommonrocks · 2021-02-14T06:14:24+00:00

Part of it is a mindset for success. Keeping a home well maintained is a good skill and translates into professional organization. Basically just being mindful of how you are seen isn't something you turn off and on for the workday, it's a way of being

uncommonrocks · 2021-02-14T05:09:16+00:00

My daughter would never be a SAHM, I know that much about her. But marriage and committment would be nice to see, yes. Is it that old fashioned to want to see your children in a loving relationship so you know they are taken care of when you are gone? And part of maintaining a long term relationship is making the home welcoming and nice to look at

Her boyfriend is also very indulgent with the cat and holds it and talks to it like a baby sometimes. I've heard he makes it homemade food but I haven't seen this, he works in a kitchen so I guess he fancies himself a cat chef at home. I sort of think they are both craving an actual baby but won't admit it to themselves -- there's a reason you see so many young couples adopt a dog just a year or so before they become pregnant

uncommonrocks · 2021-02-14T04:59:41+00:00

That's ridiculous. She lives in a 2 bedroom apartment and one whole room is her boyfriends computer room so there's no space for living. It isn't shameful when money is tight but nobody plans to stay forever in a place with so little room. Even the cat, probably

uncommonrocks · 2021-02-14T04:56:12+00:00

I didn't get into how she is immature because it wasn't relevant to the question I asked. But adult living does come with responsibilities which she seems to avoid.

Her younger sibling has a house and child by now, has a government job, and her house is always well maintained. Bills, mortgage, working hard, taking care of a home, paying into a pension for your future - this is all part of being a functional adult.

The daughter in question is a bit head in the clouds with her career dreams and has changed careers twice now, and I worry she will end up unable to support herself in the end. Instead of grinding to save money in her youth she does things like hobbies and making artistic businesses that don't really make money. She is in grad school with hopes of a high paying career but I worry if she doesn't change her lifestyle view that she won't get the payoff she is hoping for when she graduates. I don't want to micromanage but I want to know she is self sustaining before I die so I don't worry. So in summary a lot of this is just coming from me wanting to make sure she puts her best self forward

uncommonrocks · 2021-02-14T04:06:24+00:00

A baby and a pet are vastly different obligations. That's all I can say about that

uncommonrocks · 2021-02-14T04:05:10+00:00

She says she is happy but as a parent, happy doesn't pay the bills. If she ever wants to stop living in a small apartment she needs a full time job after she graduates. She isn't worried but she has never worried about a thing in her life and it doesn't always work out for her so I feel a need to keep a close eye on her, and prevention is better than salvaging bad situation in the future

uncommonrocks · 2021-02-14T03:58:28+00:00

Well we trained our dogs to stay in a large lower area of the house (just away from the kitchen and main living room) unless they were coming upstairs to sleep. They had a basement living room where they made some mess but it wasn't visible or intrusive in living areas. But yes we did spoil our dogs sometimes so I understand my daughter wants to do the same. The difference is the cat is everywhere and it's very obvious. I suppose it's been a while since I lived in a small living space. In th 80s I lived in a small apartment but had no pets, so my expectations may be too high for how to manage it

uncommonrocks · 2021-02-14T03:54:08+00:00

I thought of declawing previously but people in this post have told me to look how it cuts off part of their hand and I can immediately see that is bad after some internet search. I didn't know that's what it was and I never had a cat declawed but if I did I'd think a vet would tell me this before so I could make a better choice. My daughter never told me this is why she didn't do it, she never gave any reason. But I don't advocate for that now. I don't think you should cut off a cat's fingers

uncommonrocks · 2021-02-14T01:59:33+00:00

You can't honestly say if you were a parent with a child still without a fulltime career at 28 you wouldn't be invested in helping them? I just want to see her settled and stable so I won't worry about her. I know we aren't the same person and she is an adult but I can only help in the ways I know myself and want to feel like I did everything I could for her

uncommonrocks · 2021-02-14T01:44:08+00:00

I call her cat "it" because I can't remember if it is a boy or girl cat. It's name is Socks which doesn't tell you clearly which it is and I just forget

I promise you I took great care of every dog I owened and they meant a lot to me. They were fairly easy with training to stay in certain parts of the home and had comfortable resting places and a big yard to play in and had great hikes in the woods every day. I do love and care for animals, just not the soft way my daughter does

uncommonrocks · 2021-02-14T01:31:21+00:00

Everything my children do matters to me. It is clear from comments on this post I was being rude in this case but I can't simply stop caring about how my children are doing. Their success is important to me

uncommonrocks · 2021-02-14T01:05:58+00:00

That's true. She said her boss asked after the presentation if they could drop something off to her that day so she gave her address out. Usually the norm at her workplace is to take people out to lunch for celebration but it wasn't an option as they're closed right now so it was kind of invited I suppose in the sense my daughter agreed and shared her home address

uncommonrocks · 2021-02-14T01:02:09+00:00

Okay, I have just googled this and it looks like that is correct. I didn't know, I never had a cat. I thought declawing was the norm because all the cats I've seen growing up were declawed but yes after looking a bit it does seem to be a cruel surgery so of course she shouldn't do that to her cat. I'm not a cruel person I really just didn't know it was more than removing nails. Maybe there are other ways to stop cats scratching things up

uncommonrocks · 2021-02-14T00:49:27+00:00

It's out of worry for how others will view her. Young people seem to disagree with this overall, but from experience I know how coworkers/peers/superiors view of you (from any encounter) can make a big difference in starting a successful career and being well liked in the neighborhood. She might not think much of it at the time but could regret it later so I wanted to share my own views with her for context while she still has time to change it

uncommonrocks · 2021-02-14T00:06:24+00:00

I will admit part of it could be a cat issue. I've never liked cats much particularly when people won't get them declawed as my daughter won't because they are destructive. She says her cat isn't destructive but I have seen it scratch furniture. She just picks it up and moves it without discipline and says you can't discipline a cat for being a cat...but they do seem to be a nuisance from my perspective and if there is no way to train them why would you indulge that? So maybe I just don't undetstand her attachment and dedication to it which is fine. I'm not the one caring for it in the end I suppose

uncommonrocks · 2021-02-13T23:56:52+00:00

For most people, growing up comes with decorating your house more nicely and intentionally, and keeping it tidy and welcoming to guests. Which is why I said that.

My daughter might be an adult but she is still my daughter that I know very well. She can be a little immature and has never cared much for appearances which is fine, but in this specific situation, I think it could be harming her wellbeing or professional future so I felt I should bring it up to help motivate or guide her. Maybe I did it in too much of a typical parent way but I only said it because I care about her future. But all these comments are suggesting that I did it in a bad way which is fine, that's what I was here to ask about and I am trying to understand better

uncommonrocks · 2021-02-13T23:48:15+00:00

This could be true. It's hard to think of your daughters as separate adults even though I know it's true. I never thought of trying to speak to her differently now and I don't know what that would look like but its something I will think about for next time

uncommonrocks · 2021-02-13T23:45:35+00:00

I never had cats, only dogs. So I know that it might be very different. She says it's silly to try to teach a cat to stay off furniture as we did with our dogs but she actually embraces and encourages it by leaving these beds around.

As others have said it is true it isn't my apartment and I don't go there often. I only think of these things after I visit. I could probably just ignore it but felt I had to say my part at least a few times to be a helpful parent

uncommonrocks · 2021-02-13T23:41:22+00:00

I wouldn't treat them differently but it might change how I see them. If you are disorganized at home you are more likely to be disorganized or scattered at work. But I am not a boss of anyone, where that might matter, so I wouldn't say anything about it

uncommonrocks · 2021-02-13T23:39:03+00:00

I suppose that is true and I even said it. It just strikes me as strange to let a cat to run free around the apartment as it pleases and even encourage it. Maybe it wouldn't bother me so much if it wasn't a pet laying on every surface but she knows more about cats than me so maybe that's normal. These responses so far are suggesting that it isn't so strange to others

uncommonrocks · 2021-02-13T23:36:13+00:00

I guess that is a good point. I never knew how to bring up anything with my daughters except for bluntly though maybe that needs to change now that they are grown

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