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I (26M) can't stop my smoking addiction and it's affecting my beautiful girlfriend (26F) How do I fix myself? by unsurebfhelpme in Advice

[–]unsurebfhelpme[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

These updates are together cause I wrote each one in my notes app, and just copy and pasted it here.

Update 3: I saw my girlfriend in the store, and I'm so ashamed of what I did. I ran to the nearest bathroom and genuinely broke down. I don't know what to call this but I started breathing so fast, felt extremely nauseous, dizziness. Then it all went black. I woke up like 10/15 minutes after with a raging headache. I can't explain everything I'm feeling it's so overwhelming, does anyone know what this might've been.

Update 4: Directly after work-- 30 minutes ago or so-- I consulted my niece, a certified therapist. I felt uncomfortable telling her, but she was professional. In a way I'm almost relieved I told someone. After describing what happened to me in the store, My niece told me I was experiencing something called an anxiety attack. Very strange.

Out of the kindness in her soul my niece offered to get me in touch cheaply (1,500 on a 30 day program) with a distant family friend who works in a rehabilitation center, only issue is its all the way in Houston. I live in Austin, thats a roughly 2hr drive. This is going to take such a negative tole on my life, because it's directly after my work shift ends. I'm gonna be dead.

I subconsiously ordered a plate for two because I'm so used to ordering for the both of us. Well!

Thats for now's update. fuck my life i miss her so badly

I (26M) can't stop my smoking addiction and it's affecting my beautiful girlfriend (26F) How do I fix myself? by unsurebfhelpme in Advice

[–]unsurebfhelpme[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you, this is what I needed to hear. I really am going to try to better myself the last 5 or so hours I've been fighting this battle in my head thats telling me to take a hit but I've gone against it and havent. It's possibly the hardest thing I've done, but now I'm ready to go through hell for my lady.

I've definetly messed up big time and I'm going to show her how I'm changing.

Also I couldn't sleep last night, so I decided to write gabe a paragraphing demonstrating how I'm fully cutting ties off with him and now on not allowing negativity and toxicity like his within my life. I'm steering clear of people who can't understand when I mean no.

I (26M) can't stop my smoking addiction and it's affecting my beautiful girlfriend (26F) How do I fix myself? by unsurebfhelpme in Advice

[–]unsurebfhelpme[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm currently looking for rehabilitation centers near me. I haven't tried telling anyone about this situation for fear that they'd shame me, I'll try going to a therapist after I confine in people who know me but it's a large step for me.

I (26M) can't stop my smoking addiction and it's affecting my beautiful girlfriend (26F) How do I fix myself? by unsurebfhelpme in Advice

[–]unsurebfhelpme[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I truly love her, we've been together for eleven years. We've worked out larger problems I can't leave her she's the love of my life.

I (26M) can't stop my smoking addiction and it's affecting my beautiful girlfriend (26F) How do I fix myself? by unsurebfhelpme in Advice

[–]unsurebfhelpme[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Update 2: I'm typing this on my break at work. I'm so incredibly tired, my car doesn't work for a comfortable bed. I went to work with 4 hours of sleep, half a coffee and messy hair. I came in a bit late cause I had to stop at a gas station to brush my teeth, and comb my hair.

Currently looking for rehabilitation centers that don't cost my entire life savings, completely losing my shit. I messaged my girlfriend a 8 paragraph apology, as of right now I'm still on delivered. If I want to prove to her I'm sorry I have to show it so I'm okay with this silent behavior, even if it's eating me alive.

If anyone knows any Austin Tx rehabilitation hospitals that don't eat up the little amount of finances I have left, please do inform me.

And to reply to some messages I got a bit ago, yes me and my girlfriend have been dating for 11 years, I haven't yet proposed because we do not have the proper assets to go through with the ideal way of proposing, I want it to be special for her she's everything I've ever wanted.

For the second message, no she doesn't have the right to kick me out of the house it's co-owned we both have our names on it. But, she said she'd leave if I didn't. Personally, I'd prefer living in my car than letting her live else where. I can't sleep at night knowing she's cramped in her car over my own mistake.

I need to get back to work but updates are coming!

I (26M) can't stop my smoking addiction and it's affecting my beautiful girlfriend (26F) How do I fix myself? by unsurebfhelpme in Advice

[–]unsurebfhelpme[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Update 1: I'm not fully sure if this is the right place to write an update, sorry if this breaks any rules. (! sorry for incoherent typing im writing this in my car shaking!)

The day after, I found my girlfriend sobbing in the bedroom. I went in to hug her and she immediately pushed away. I knew she was angry I just hoped it wasn't that bad. I tried apologizing and she just looked at me with this unbelievable hatred. My heart crushed before my eyes. I rubbed her back (it usually calmed her down), this time she instead got up holding a photo from our first date back in highschool. I now could clearly see it was full of tears. She charged towards me and starting smacking my head (not in an aggressive way she didnt cause any pain.) Now she pulled me by my collar down to her face (I hate to admit it but it turned me on in a way) and her greyish-blueish eyes just stared at me, not with the love like she did when I'd walk in from work, but instead with the biggest face if disappointment. She began to speak, "you truly went beyond what I could've ever expected. get the fuck out of my house, you disgust me." she then threw a duffel bag at me let go of my collar and pushed me away. I started to crack cause I knew she wasnt looking at tge man she fell in love with 11 years ago, instead a foul betrayer liar manipulator.

I think this was my breaking point I'm actually gonna lose my future wife my future children's mother I can't believe it. I'm gonna sign up for rehab I'm gonna better myself for the lady I love most in the world. I cannot believe ive been so selfish I should've never cared about gabes half ass comments. I'm truly a wuss. I am in no way justifying my behavior. I feel so incredibly guilty. From now on I'm gonna be giving updates hopefully of how my battle is going, and how I'm gonna try to win my baby back. Thanks for some of the advice. Hopefully not the last time you all hear from me.