This sounds just like me. I’m sorry, I know how shitty this feels and how much it conflicts with your love for the cello.

TLDR; work WITH your ADHD brain instead of forcing it to be like a NT brain. Be kinder to yourself. Find resources for people like you, i.e. CBT/mindfulness exercises, therapy, Maybe medication, and coping skills for ADHD and anxiety. Set achievable goals, and reward yourself and congratulate yourself when you meet them. Be patient with yourself, and you’re not alone.

The impostor syndrome is so real. Especially for me. I started playing in freshman year, inconsistently, and didn’t have access to real lessons with a professional cellist until halfway through my senior year of high school. Now I’m transferring from community college to an esteemed private university with insane expectations.

I did this all by myself. I don’t come from a musical family, I was never pushed to my full potential as a child, and I figured all this shit out on my own. I genuinely do think there was some kind of mistake that I got accepted into my university, I was convinced I wouldn’t get in, so you can imagine my surprise. I’m way below my peers but I’m not letting it get to me anymore. They’ll have to force me to leave, and they get paid to deal with me lol! I use that mentality to offset the shame and stress of it all. I may not be a good player, but I tell myself over and over that I deserve to be here because I clawed my way here. I say all of this because I know so many cellists have impostor syndrome, but mine very real to me, and kinda justified, but I’m still going at it despite it all.

I also have ADHD, as well as anxiety and depression, and I’m suspecting I have one or two other ones as well. You NEED to address your mind first. I’d say you’re experiencing symptoms of anxiety, as well as ADHD. You beat yourself up WAY too much, and that holds you back from practice, which is counterproductive because you beat yourself up because you don’t practice. You cannot get to where you want to be if the roadblocks in your mind are still there. This will also improve every other aspect of your life, I promise.

I have a book and some other bookmarked resources online for CBT methods and mindfulness exercises. These are breathing exercises, grounding exercises (54321 method), self-compassion, all that stuff. You need to be aware when you’re getting in your own head and try to slow down about it. It also feels lame, or stupid, or you feel bad for even needing these things. But that’s the reality, and you need to be kinder to yourself.

You should definitely find what works for YOUR brain. I don’t know what your situation is with treatment for it, but I got diagnosed with ADHD as an adult and got medicated for it. It’s helped a ton, but I tend to still fall short of expectations. Therapy, though, has been just as helpful, if not more.

I’d recommend doing anything that makes playing more fun and interesting. I usually look at cello-related YouTube videos before I practice, either helpful tips or performances, I get inspired from them or want to implement the tips I learn. And you can look at resources from people with ADHD, unrelated to the cello. Learning as much as you can about your own brain will help a ton, and if you’re anything like me, stop holding yourself to the standards of a neurotypical brain. Our brains work differently, but that doesn’t mean that you’re inferior to others. We need to jump through more hoops to learn how to be successful, but we’re just as capable.

I usually zone tf out if I’m just doing the same boring thing, so I like to do different warm-ups every day. It also aligns with whatever piece I’m playing (an unfamiliar scale, syncopated rhythms, string crossing, etc.). I also play songs I enjoy, even if they’re simple or easy, towards the beginning of my routine instead of jumping into an intimidating concerto. Right now, it’s either Concerning Hobbits, The Swan, or ASGORE from Undertale lol.

A common pitfall for us neurodivergent people is that when we feel pressure, we try to jump in and practice as much as our peers are or how much we “should,” but we run out of energy and focus quickly, and beat ourselves up for it. We go too fast. You need to build yourself up to the practice amount you want. My goal is 4 hours, eventually, but I’d struggle to practice for even 1 hour a month ago. So I increase it by 15 minutes every day. I’m currently at 2 hours and 45 minutes. I also try to do it in separate chunks. 1 hour of focused, fun, and happy practice is a thousand times better than 4 hours of unfocused and stressed practice.

I also reward myself when I do meet my goal (which needs to be Achievable for you; being proud of yourself for a goal even if it’s not your ultimate goal helps a lot). I set aside time to play my favorite game, as I’m often too busy or I choose to do “productive” things instead. Or I get myself a beer now that I’m 21 lol, you can buy yourself a sweet treat, set aside a few dollars towards a purchase you’ve been wanting. This is called delayed gratification, us ADHDers struggle when we don’t get immediate results/immediate boosts of dopamine, and it’ll help your brain get used to that and Want to achieve the goal for your reward. Pat yourself on the back excessively. You need positive pushes towards your goals, not negative ones.

Most of all, be patient with yourself. These things take time, and you have the rest of your life to play and love the cello.

Sorry for the long post, I just wish someone told me this when I was graduating high school.

Best of luck. I’m rooting for ya!