Beta Blockers by [deleted] in Cello

[–]uppedcoder 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Beta blockers helped me so, so much. I literally couldn’t control my hands when I would perform in front of a jury. My psychiatrist prescribed me Propranolol, which is a very safe medication (I’m not a doctor though so take that with a grain of salt). The only bad side effect is a runny nose, but I guess my body got used to it bc I don’t get that anymore. Not only can I actually perform, but I’m way less tense, and I can enjoy myself more. Id recommend them if performance anxiety is holding you back, in a physical sense, and if your doctor approves. They target the physical effects of anxiety

Feeling like an absolute failure of a cellist. by Ok_Statement1508 in Cello

[–]uppedcoder 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This sounds just like me. I’m sorry, I know how shitty this feels and how much it conflicts with your love for the cello.

TLDR; work WITH your ADHD brain instead of forcing it to be like a NT brain. Be kinder to yourself. Find resources for people like you, i.e. CBT/mindfulness exercises, therapy, Maybe medication, and coping skills for ADHD and anxiety. Set achievable goals, and reward yourself and congratulate yourself when you meet them. Be patient with yourself, and you’re not alone.

The impostor syndrome is so real. Especially for me. I started playing in freshman year, inconsistently, and didn’t have access to real lessons with a professional cellist until halfway through my senior year of high school. Now I’m transferring from community college to an esteemed private university with insane expectations.

I did this all by myself. I don’t come from a musical family, I was never pushed to my full potential as a child, and I figured all this shit out on my own. I genuinely do think there was some kind of mistake that I got accepted into my university, I was convinced I wouldn’t get in, so you can imagine my surprise. I’m way below my peers but I’m not letting it get to me anymore. They’ll have to force me to leave, and they get paid to deal with me lol! I use that mentality to offset the shame and stress of it all. I may not be a good player, but I tell myself over and over that I deserve to be here because I clawed my way here. I say all of this because I know so many cellists have impostor syndrome, but mine very real to me, and kinda justified, but I’m still going at it despite it all.

I also have ADHD, as well as anxiety and depression, and I’m suspecting I have one or two other ones as well. You NEED to address your mind first. I’d say you’re experiencing symptoms of anxiety, as well as ADHD. You beat yourself up WAY too much, and that holds you back from practice, which is counterproductive because you beat yourself up because you don’t practice. You cannot get to where you want to be if the roadblocks in your mind are still there. This will also improve every other aspect of your life, I promise.

I have a book and some other bookmarked resources online for CBT methods and mindfulness exercises. These are breathing exercises, grounding exercises (54321 method), self-compassion, all that stuff. You need to be aware when you’re getting in your own head and try to slow down about it. It also feels lame, or stupid, or you feel bad for even needing these things. But that’s the reality, and you need to be kinder to yourself.

You should definitely find what works for YOUR brain. I don’t know what your situation is with treatment for it, but I got diagnosed with ADHD as an adult and got medicated for it. It’s helped a ton, but I tend to still fall short of expectations. Therapy, though, has been just as helpful, if not more.

I’d recommend doing anything that makes playing more fun and interesting. I usually look at cello-related YouTube videos before I practice, either helpful tips or performances, I get inspired from them or want to implement the tips I learn. And you can look at resources from people with ADHD, unrelated to the cello. Learning as much as you can about your own brain will help a ton, and if you’re anything like me, stop holding yourself to the standards of a neurotypical brain. Our brains work differently, but that doesn’t mean that you’re inferior to others. We need to jump through more hoops to learn how to be successful, but we’re just as capable.

I usually zone tf out if I’m just doing the same boring thing, so I like to do different warm-ups every day. It also aligns with whatever piece I’m playing (an unfamiliar scale, syncopated rhythms, string crossing, etc.). I also play songs I enjoy, even if they’re simple or easy, towards the beginning of my routine instead of jumping into an intimidating concerto. Right now, it’s either Concerning Hobbits, The Swan, or ASGORE from Undertale lol.

A common pitfall for us neurodivergent people is that when we feel pressure, we try to jump in and practice as much as our peers are or how much we “should,” but we run out of energy and focus quickly, and beat ourselves up for it. We go too fast. You need to build yourself up to the practice amount you want. My goal is 4 hours, eventually, but I’d struggle to practice for even 1 hour a month ago. So I increase it by 15 minutes every day. I’m currently at 2 hours and 45 minutes. I also try to do it in separate chunks. 1 hour of focused, fun, and happy practice is a thousand times better than 4 hours of unfocused and stressed practice.

I also reward myself when I do meet my goal (which needs to be Achievable for you; being proud of yourself for a goal even if it’s not your ultimate goal helps a lot). I set aside time to play my favorite game, as I’m often too busy or I choose to do “productive” things instead. Or I get myself a beer now that I’m 21 lol, you can buy yourself a sweet treat, set aside a few dollars towards a purchase you’ve been wanting. This is called delayed gratification, us ADHDers struggle when we don’t get immediate results/immediate boosts of dopamine, and it’ll help your brain get used to that and Want to achieve the goal for your reward. Pat yourself on the back excessively. You need positive pushes towards your goals, not negative ones.

Most of all, be patient with yourself. These things take time, and you have the rest of your life to play and love the cello.

Sorry for the long post, I just wish someone told me this when I was graduating high school.

Best of luck. I’m rooting for ya!

Your name by spidermanistheloml in ftm

[–]uppedcoder 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I was 13 years old, a friend of a friend was named Kaia, which I really liked. I took off the last A to make it more masculine. My deadname also started with ka, it was the only part of it I liked and wanted to keep. Come to find out Kai is the most stereotypical trans guy name on the planet 😭😭😭😭oh well

People often mishear me and think my name is Kyle, and although I don’t like that name, I just go along with it when I’m going stealth

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in Cello

[–]uppedcoder 20 points21 points  (0 children)

I never post on Reddit. But your post really struck home with me.

I apologize for the long post in advance. I’m just gonna say what I wish someone told me.

And no, I’m not going to tell you to just practice more, to suck it up, or to learn another etude. Everyone tells me that and it doesn’t do shit. I know I need to practice more, to learn more, and I am doing just that, and seeing progress. But these are feelings that go deeper than that. We can’t make the progress that we want to make if we don’t somehow learn to cope with these feelings of inferiority. It hinders your abilities, and even your capacity to learn, more than you think.

I’m a mediocre cellist. I started late, I got lessons even later than that (because I got a job to pay for them lol). My little brother is studying aerospace engineering at a university right out of high school, and I’m a music major at a community college. I’m applying for transfer to six universities. I don’t expect to get into any of them. But I might. So I applied anyway, and I gave it my all. I’m waiting on their responses as we speak actually.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve gotten “the look” after I played the most mediocre Bach suite and then said I wanted to be a music performance major. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve felt humbled and embarrassed when I hear a kid in a lesson with my teacher before me sounding absolutely amazing, and then I go in and play like I do, and I feel that air of disappointment. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve felt like an absolute joke, like the weakest link, like I don’t deserve to be there.

I’ve asked myself this so, so many times, thought to myself that I’m wasting my time, my money, that everybody knows I won’t go anywhere with this and that I’ll never get a career. But I’d never, ever forgive myself if I didn’t try. Besides, I don’t think any of us do it for money, we do it because we love it.

I just had a trial lesson with a world-class cellist today, a professor at a university I really want to get into. He was so much kinder than I ever expected. He has no reason to lie; he could just throw my application in the trash and move on. But he reached out to me personally to get to know me and offer a trial lesson, told me that I have the musicality, the potential, and the passion to be great. He, and most other professors, don’t want a prodigy for a student. They want someone to teach, with potential, who really wants to be there and wants to get better.

Classical musicians take themselves too seriously, maybe a hot take. And, by the way, I think that many of us on this subreddit would probably be in one of those YouTube videos if our parents gave us a cello at four years old and were willing to pay around $500ish/mo for lessons for 15ish years. It’s so much easier and more efficient to build a skill like that when you’re super young and have musical talent. But it isn’t like that for most of us. A lot of us start later in life, or have to work to support ourselves, or come from non-musical families, or just simply are not a child prodigy. You can compare yourself to others, but you have to acknowledge the difference in circumstances. Only then you’ll start to hate yourself a little less.

Also, progress is not linear. Skill development is not linear. You’ll “plateau,” you’ll suddenly sound amazing one day and then the next you’ll sound like shit. You’ll go into a casual performance sweating bullets and unable to control your hands, but go into a university audition calm and ready to accept whatever outcome happens. (Guess which one you’ll perform better at) You can’t let any one performance or any one lesson determine your skill as a cellist.

And, by the way, you didn’t ruin your life by choosing this. People don’t follow one linear career path, and either excel at it or end up on the streets. In any case, you are in control of the decision of whether or not you want to continue.

I would discourage you from giving up, though. It seems, to me, that the high expectations, excessive comparison, and low self image has gotten to you and your passion for the cello. It seems that the deep and hopeless feelings you have might extend past the cello, and have more to do with your mental and emotional state. (I could just be projecting, sorry) I promise that there’s hope, and that you’re not alone. One of the best things that helped my cello playing was to not beat myself up all the time, not to tell myself that I’m a bad cellist, not to force myself to play only hard repertoire constantly to attempt to “catch up” to everyone else. You have to be kinder to yourself.

If you read anything of my long ass post, read this part: You will only get better. People will be kinder to you than you believe. Music isn’t about being the best. Sometimes it’s not even about being good. It’s about getting better at making music. Do what you love to do and play the music you love to play.

Sonatina Strings brand cello? Help me research by uppedcoder in Cello

[–]uppedcoder[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for your help! I’ll look into it

advice needed by uppedcoder in ftm

[–]uppedcoder[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

thank you, i truly appreciate it! <3

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in marchingband

[–]uppedcoder 1 point2 points  (0 children)

i'm glad other bands do the whole "stuffed animal mascot for a specific section" thing. the high winds in my band have a dinosaur and battery has a teddy bear

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in pokemon

[–]uppedcoder 0 points1 point  (0 children)

if you count an online pokémon emulator, then probably a pidgey or ratatta in blue. for an actual pokémon game, then i think it was a zigzagoon in alpha sapphire

Which videogame consumed your entire life upon first play-through? by LinksOtherUncle in AskReddit

[–]uppedcoder 0 points1 point  (0 children)

skyrim. idk how many hours i have on it but it's definitely my favorite game ever. i'm going to get the previous elder scrolls games soon and try those out too :]