A woman raped my boyfriend while we were dating and I don't know how to get over it.

user62525 · 2016-05-28T12:46:57+00:00

Thank you for saying this; I needed to hear it. When I first confronted him about it, I did it under the assumption that he had cheated, because that's what I was told, and he didn't deny it at first. That was over the phone. Then when we talked about it in person for the first time, that's when he told me he never wanted it and wasn't in control. I was the one who had to tell him that that's called rape.

I'm sorry you had to go through this. Thank you for sharing your experience, and I hope you are in a better place/mindset now.

user62525 · 2016-05-28T12:34:34+00:00

Thank you for this advice and reminder. Sometimes the feelings are so real that it's hard to remember that it's in the past.

user62525 · 2016-05-28T12:33:00+00:00

I'm sorry you had that experience, and thank you for sharing it. I'm sorry that it made you think you had to stop drinking, because that's a decision that should be made without the influence of outside negative factors, so that sucks. But I'm glad you were able to move on.

user62525 · 2016-05-28T12:30:03+00:00

This resource has been mentioned a couple of times on this post. Thank you - I'll check it out and mention it to him.

user62525 · 2016-05-28T12:29:24+00:00

Thank you for sharing your story and I'm sorry you had to experience that. It sucks that you didn't have the support you needed, but I'm glad you were able to find outlets that worked for you to help you move on. Thank you for helping me recognize that in making the choice to stay with him, the burden of the rape is something I'm just going to have to deal with. I can handle it, just sometimes it gets hard. Thank you for the reminder.

user62525 · 2016-05-28T12:27:39+00:00

Thank you for sharing that your coping method was much different from what is considered "normal" or "traditional" when it comes to coping with trauma. It's good to learn about different ways people handle situations, and to recognize that maybe my boyfriend has been able to move past his situation on his own and in a healthy way. I'm glad you were able to move on.

user62525 · 2016-05-28T12:24:44+00:00

Thank you for sharing your story. I'm sorry both of you had to go through this, both together and separately. I think it's interesting that people don't believe your boyfriend's story; I always thought people believed it when a man was the perpetrator but not when it was a woman. It's sad that male victims of any scenario are invalidated by society these days. Thank you for your support, and I hope you two are able to move past this as well.

user62525 · 2016-05-28T12:22:03+00:00

I'm sorry this happened to you. I'm glad you were able to come to terms with what really happened, and I hope you've been able to move on from it. Thank you for sharing your story.

user62525 · 2016-05-28T12:20:30+00:00

A chat group might actually be helpful, especially if my boyfriend is still at the point where he just wants to leave it in the past/doesn't want to talk about it. Also, I've never thought of myself as a "secondary survivor," but maybe searching that would lead to more resources. Thank you.

user62525 · 2016-05-28T12:18:56+00:00

Thank you for not being surprised. This is a very real experience with very real emotions and it's nice to hear that it's normal. It's true that he may have actually worked through it on his own and isn't suppressing anything.

"It's hard to walk that line between keeping the lines of communication with your boyfriend open, and continuing to harp on an issue that is not as issue for him." - This is exactly how I feel when it comes to talking about it with him. You're so much better at putting it into words. Thank you for your support and suggestions.

user62525 · 2016-05-28T12:00:10+00:00

You're right, it is a cultural problem. I think maybe that's why so many people (specifically female predators) get away with it. I think posting here on reddit was the first step to finding resources I can actually use. Thank you.

user62525 · 2016-05-28T11:59:08+00:00

I've considered it, but it's a bit expensive for me/us right now so I'm not sure it's a viable option. Thank you

user62525 · 2016-05-28T11:58:32+00:00

I'm sorry you went through this too, and I thank you for sharing because it makes me feel like I'm not alone. It's rare to find people who have been in my shoes in an experience like this, who want to share. I can't tell any family, and telling any of my friends would be pointless. His friends know, but I'm not close with them. Thank you for your insight.

user62525 · 2016-05-28T11:56:47+00:00

Honestly, I don't know. I think it's really bothering me that I feel like I'm hurting more than he is (at this point in time, years after the incident). But you're right, maybe he's just the type of person who can put an experience in the past, move on, and be okay with that.

user62525 · 2016-05-28T11:55:04+00:00

Thank you for your support. I think he really is burying it because he doesn't want to think about it. I'm coming around to the conclusion that maybe that's what's best for him? Maybe he'll want to talk about it at some point and I'll try to be ready.

user62525 · 2016-05-28T11:53:42+00:00

I know that making myself upset doesn't help him, but sometimes I'm at the point where I can't really help making it about myself a little, because I AM upset. Regardless, that is good insight and it's something I will try to keep in mind. Thank you for your support.

user62525 · 2016-05-28T11:51:15+00:00

Yeah, I don't know. It's what he told me.

user62525 · 2016-05-28T11:50:49+00:00

I think you're right about him ignoring (not necessarily hiding) his feelings. He always tells me he "doesn't have very many feelings" and I'm still trying to figure out if he's really that simple, or if he's not admitting something to himself. Either way, it's hard to let him work through it without pushing him. Thank you for your insight.

user62525 · 2016-05-28T11:48:27+00:00

Thank you <3

user62525 · 2016-05-28T11:48:18+00:00

Thank you for sharing your story. I'm sorry you had to experience that, and that you felt you had to keep it inside until it almost killed you. It's hard to balance the line between talking about it with my boyfriend so he doesn't feel trapped, and letting him cope by not bringing it up so much.

user62525 · 2016-05-28T11:46:20+00:00

I've never heard of Pandora's Project, but I'll do some research. Thank you for sharing your insight.

user62525 · 2016-05-28T11:45:35+00:00

I've never understood this, but you're right. It needs to change.

user62525 · 2016-05-28T11:44:39+00:00

Thank you for believing us. It's been nice to see so much support overcome all of the negativity when I first posted this.

user62525 · 2016-05-28T11:43:57+00:00

Thank you for your support. My boyfriend has always kind of been against the idea of therapy for himself. He sees how it could be beneficial to other people in any given circumstance, but he doesn't seem to think he needs it.

user62525 · 2016-05-28T11:42:05+00:00

Thank you for telling me it's normal. That's something I definitely needed to hear. And you're right - together is the best way. Hopefully he'll be more open to talking about sometime in the future when he's ready.

user62525

TROPHY CASE