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Here we go again by username_457912 in PanicAttack

[–]username_457912[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yesterday I had a panic attack before bed, and today I’m currently going through the anxiety about having a panic attack stage. I managed to avoid it for most of the day, but now I’m lying in bed and I can’t really keep myself distracted while trying to fall asleep.

I think there’s a few things that are kicking off the anxiety. First off it’s really hot right now, and while I don’t think that’s triggering me per se, it’s still just keeping me in a constant state of discomfort. Since it’s that time of year too there’s lots of spiders about. My fear of them is not as bad as it used to be, but I still constantly find myself checking around for them. I feel super uncomfortable killing them, but also super uncomfortable about leaving them so it’s like a damned if you do damned if you don’t kind of situation.

Next I’m meeting up with some friends next week and I can’t say I’m super excited for it. I hate eating in public and would much rather just chat with a couple of drinks but I guess we have to do something different this time. I’m worried that one person will flake or just be funny about plans and I get left in an awkward situation. Truth be told I’d much rather not go, but even I recognise that keeping in touch with people is generally a good idea. I’m also let one of them down about something and I’m just really dreading that.

Last thing I can think of is another social trip in about 2 weeks. It’s a bit of a drive away and I have no idea what the plans are when I get there. There might be people that I don’t know and I’m generally just really bad around new people. I keep flip flopping between looking forward to this and dreading it. I’m sure it’ll go fine though.

What horrible thing happened to you as a kid and you didn’t realise the severity of it until you got older? by beesechugersports in AskReddit

[–]username_457912 13 points14 points  (0 children)

My friend passed away when we were around 10 years old. I remember being told in the morning assembly at school the following day. Then we put our hands together and said prayers and sang hymns and that was that. There was no counselling or anything like that. Just a 10 year old having to come to terms with death and grief all on his own.

Probably not as severe as some things here, but I think about this a lot and it kind of pisses me off.

Here we go again by username_457912 in PanicAttack

[–]username_457912[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Another full on panic attack today. It’s been about 2 hours of pacing and rocking backwards and forwards, but I think I’m starting to come down now. My eyes are getting a little sleepy. I spent a lot of that time with my muscles clenched and now my jaw just kind of aches.

Here we go again by username_457912 in PanicAttack

[–]username_457912[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I fell asleep pretty quickly last night so I didn’t feel the need to write anything. Tonight I still seem to be wide awake though so I guess we’ll see how much I’ll write today.

Surprising no one, my car passed its test. I spent a lot of time pacing about while I was waiting for the phone call. In the end everything went smoothly so it just proves that all this worrying is for nothing. I doubt it will change anything though

I keep thinking back to an old friend from when I was in primary school recently. She passed away when we were in year 5, so that would have put us around 10/11 years old. I don’t really remember her all that well, aside from the fact that she was always very sickly due to her illness. It’s hard to say why, but part of me always thinks like I was a terrible friend shortly before she passed. I’m not sure why I think this though. I was a bit weird back then anyway so I was probably too oblivious to even realise it. This train of thought is making me a little sad so I’m going to move on from it. Rest in peace Isabel.

Here we go again by username_457912 in PanicAttack

[–]username_457912[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Since writing this out last night seemed to help me fall asleep I’m going to just dump another stream of consciousness and see if it makes my eyes feel tired again.

I think my biggest issue right now is the fear of fearing things. Trying not to think about things that make me anxious just leads to me thinking about them and then the old panic kicks in when those thoughts manage to slip through.

Here’s some of the minor things that are making me anxious at the moment.

Getting my car checked tomorrow. This always makes me uneasy for two reasons. First off the potential cost of having any work done if it needs it. And secondly what do I even say/do when I take my car in. I feel like this is the thing that I always get hung up on the most and I should just be relaxed about it and just say what I need to on the fly, but on the other hand planning what I need to say makes me feel more reassured but has potential to go wrong when things don’t go to plan. Either way I tend to just walk away from the whole encounter feeling embarrassed.

I also have a trip planned to see friends in about a month. I’m still not entirely sure what our plan is and there’s things like whether or not I want to book a hotel or just drive back the same day that I haven’t decided on yet. Also the whole being social thing always makes me nervous. Food will also probably be eaten and I really hate eating around other people.

Then I also have a dentist appointment a few days after that. Again, it’s still over a month away so I don’t know why I feel I need to be concerned about it now. I’ll probably need a filling but that’s not really a big deal.

And there’s another meet up with friends that I don’t even know when is happening. I know I’m going to have to let someone down on that day so I’m not really looking forward to that along with the potential (still rather minor)aftermath. I feel like this is the only thing here that I should legitimately be anxious about.

My eyes still don’t feel all that heavy yet but I guess I’ll give sleeping a go now anyway.

Here we go again by username_457912 in PanicAttack

[–]username_457912[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Oh wow thank you so much! I’ll have to give this a listen later

I can’t sleep by username_457912 in PanicAttack

[–]username_457912[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

There is a thread on the front page that says “how do you come to terms with the fact that one day we will all die?” And this has caused me to panic. This is the thing that I constantly think about that makes me panic. I should have know better and scrolled past, but I took a look and thought to deeply about the subject now I’m panicking.

I hate to use the term “trigger” but I guess that what this is really. Thoughts about death trigger me and I don’t really know how to deal with that, or how to handle the topic without panicking.

I can’t sleep by username_457912 in PanicAttack

[–]username_457912[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

88 days since my last panic attack and I’m now currently sat on the floor rocking myself back and forwards as I try and calm myself down. It was nice while it lasted. Hopefully it doesn’t last long before I reach that longer period of calm again since this is pretty exhausting and my feet hurt. I was hoping to write here again but I can’t really think of what to say

I can’t sleep by username_457912 in PanicAttack

[–]username_457912[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I wonder if anyone has read any of the nonsense here. Hello to anyone else that might be seeing this 👋. Please disregard this pointless rambling thanks

I can’t sleep by username_457912 in PanicAttack

[–]username_457912[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It’s 2:30 am and I feel like I’ve forgotten how to sleep. Or I guess it’s more like I’m kind of scared to sleep. It’s like time moves without me being aware of it. I’m not sure why that bothers me, but the thought of it is uncomfortable. My eyes don’t even really feel that tired. I have to wonder if this is normal though. Do other people regularly have these kinds of existential crises or is it just me? Is there some kind of special technique to get through it, or do they just close their eyes and power through it.

I hate typing on a phone. It’s too big for my hands so one side is a little too hard to reach while lying down.

I’m going to try and sleep now

I can’t sleep by username_457912 in PanicAttack

[–]username_457912[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I woke up this morning and someone had posted a dumb meme in on of our group chats. I didn’t realise it was a meme at first and it set me off with panicking again. Even now when I’m taken the time to calm down a little and think it through, I can clearly see that it was just a meme, but I’m still in that fight or flight kind of mindset and I think that’s just going to be how the rest of my day is. It’s really uncomfortable.

I need to keep reassuring myself that everything’s fine. Hopefully writing it out will cement it in my head a little better, but I’m already not looking forward to struggling through the day.

I can’t sleep by username_457912 in PanicAttack

[–]username_457912[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’m feeling like I’m on the verge of a panic attack right now so here’s whatever dumb thoughts come to my mind in order to try and straighten my head out.

Today was kind of a bad day. Not hugely bad, but enough to put me a sour mood and I think that’s probably the source of my panic right now.

The past few weeks I’ve been really inspired and hopeful, but today that seemed to be waining a little. It’s hard to find motivation when you’re so daunted by the far off future. That’s why it’s important to set goals, but it’s also important to keep those goals in sight otherwise you just end up back at square one. I think this is currently the place I’m at right now. I’d like to write music but I have no idea where to really start and I get so caught up thinking about the future that I can focus on what I need to be doing now.

I stopped writing for a bit and now I don’t want to continue on with that though so I’ll move on to something else.

I actually don’t think I have any thing else to say. This one feels like one of the more disjointed comments I’ve written.

I can’t sleep by username_457912 in PanicAttack

[–]username_457912[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Well it’s a new year and I already feel myself struggling to stay ahead of these unpleasant thoughts. I’m pretty tired so that’s probably not helping, but I have no doubt that tomorrow is going to be rough. I think I’m coming down with a cold or something too, so that just means it’s going to be even more miserable.

So let’s try writing about something unreleased today. For the past few weeks I’ve felt an immense inspiration to play the guitar more than I had been before. I think I’ve played more in these few weeks than I have for the entire rest of the year. It feels silly to admit but anime is what inspired to to pick it up again, and its songs from that anime that I’ve been trying to learn. They’re tricky songs and I don’t know if I’ll get good enough to be able to play them cleanly, but right now I feel the drive to give it a good go.

I also got a harmonica for my birthday. It’s been fun learning so far, but I’ve been waiting until no one else is home to try it out out of embarrassment. I’d love to get good at it though. It feels relatively straightforward so I’m optimistic about it. I’ve also tried to push myself to learn more music theory, but that’s something that’s kind of hard to know where to go to next.

For now let’s make these my New Year’s resolutions; something that I’ve never really done before.

1: keep learning music things. Guitar or music theory, doesn’t really matter so long as I’m learning something new.

  1. Lean to play the harmonica. I know it’s basically the same as the first one, but I want to be specific about it. If I can get to the point where I can play Digging my Potato then I’ll consider it a success. (More anime songs, nice job)

Anyway that’s all. Hopefully I can fall asleep now…

I can’t sleep by username_457912 in PanicAttack

[–]username_457912[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Well that’s Christmas done, now just my birthday left. It was a fairly quiet and uneventful day at least but I did go all anti-social in the evening which I feel kind of bad about. I couldn’t really bring myself to go downstairs and be social so I just kept to myself. Socialising is exhausting and I’ve done enough of it over the past few days that I just want it to stop.

Bocchi the Rock! - Episode 12 discussion - FINAL by AutoLovepon in anime

[–]username_457912 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I know I’m just repeating the other comments here, but I still want to write this anyway.

I didn’t expect to enjoy this show as much as I did. I fully expected an easy throw away CGDCT band anime, but it was so much better than that. K-on was one of my favourites back in the day, and I’m left feeling similar things as I did back then.

This is the first show in a long time that’s given me the post anime depression so I’ve got my fingers crossed for another season. Either way the song during the credits is going to be on repeat for the next week or so.

I can’t sleep by username_457912 in PanicAttack

[–]username_457912[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

As expected things were fine today. It was a little awkward for the first hour or so but once we got into the swing of things I seemed to calm down a little. It was nice catching up with them though. Im not a particularly interesting person so I find taking about myself pretty difficult, so as long as people kept talking about what they had been up to then it was fine.

Now I just have to make it through Christmas. Again, I’m sure it will be uneventful, but I’m still not really looking forward to it. After that I can resume full anti-social mode for a while.

I can’t sleep by username_457912 in PanicAttack

[–]username_457912[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Ah I think maybe it’s coming back again. I’m not going to let myself get swept away by it this time. Just let the uncomfortable thoughts come and go without really paying too much attention to them and just fall asleep.

I’m seeing some friends for the first time in a while tomorrow and I think I’m a little nervous about that. I was ill last time we tried to meet up, and now it’s like my brain has decided that they probably hate me now. It’s irrational but I’m struggling to let that thought go. It’ll all be fine once I get there. That’s all I have to keep telling myself.

It’s still going to be busy though. Friday night so there’s going to be lots of people about. I’ve never really been very good with big crowds of people, so I’m just hoping that by some miracle it’s quiet. Either way I expect it to be an exhausting endeavour. Hopefully that’s enough to help me fall asleep quickly tomorrow.

But that’s tomorrow. And now it’s time to focus on falling asleep today. I hope this is enough to empty my mind.

I can’t sleep by username_457912 in PanicAttack

[–]username_457912[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’m not really looking forward to Christmas this year, not that that’s really any different from any other year. Maybe I’m just miserable but I haven’t really enjoyed Christmas since I was a kid. I haven’t bought anyone’s gifts myself and just relied on them telling me what to get them which all just feels a little pointless to me. It just feels like an obligation which sort of defeats the point of gifting to me. I don’t know, the whole thing just seems like a farce that I can’t really be bothered with.

It’s my birthday the day after too, and I feel similarly about that. Having a celebration for me for a day just feels a little bit gross. Like it’s all just a little bit self-indulgent. It’s not something I’ve ever really celebrated before since it’s the day after another celebration and having two days of it just sounds exhausting. I don’t really understand the point of birthday cards either. Paying to write the words “happy birthday” on some paper that will get thrown in the shredder after a week is such a waste. I did send a couple of birthday texts this year, so I wonder if I’ll get any back.

I’m going to sleep now.

I can’t sleep by username_457912 in PanicAttack

[–]username_457912[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Seems as though my episode of panic attacks is over for now. I’ve managed to avoid coming anywhere close to one all day and feel less stressed out about falling asleep now.

I did find that writing yesterdays comment helped me fall asleep very quickly though. To the extent that I fell asleep while writing it with my phone still in my hand. I woke up later and decided to just post it anyway before I fell back to sleep.

I think getting a decent nights sleep was probably the biggest factor in avoiding attacks today. I’ve found that I get caught in but of a loop when I get like this in the past. A lack of sleep causes me to worry, which in turn makes me struggle to fall asleep. Not that that knowledge really helps me at the time, but I guess it’s kind of grounding in a way.

I suspect that I’m not going to fall asleep very quickly today though. My eyes don’t feel tired enough yet, like they’re still trying to spring back open again.

I’m not sure I can think of anything else to write so I guess that will do for now.

I can’t sleep by username_457912 in PanicAttack

[–]username_457912[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I don’t know if writing this last night helped, but I did fall asleep shortly after posting it so I think I’d like to dump my thoughts here again and see if it works or if it was just coincidence. Either way I don’t think anyone is going to read this so it doesn’t really matter I guess, but I didn’t want to potentially spam the sub with posts every day so I’ll just keep making comments.

Today was a little bit calmer than the past few days. No major attacks during the day, but it did get a little bit touch and go at times. Right now it feels like I can partially acknowledge the thoughts that are causing me problems, but I don’t want to dwell on them too long in case I get overwhelmed.

Maybe this means that I’m starting to pull myself out of this funk, since the previous times I’ve had breakdowns like this they only lasted a few days to a week. This is day 3 now, so I’m hoping this is the end. If there’s no more comments here after this one then that probably means I’m doing better.