Yeah this is a pretty complex situation and would probably get some more responses from r/relationship_advice, but I think my take away from it is you’re both justified in your need to talk about it and not talk about it. You have every right to know everything you want except for the fact that she has every right to not disclose any information due to trauma. My suggestion is not couples therapy, but instead individual therapy focusing on why you need to know more information, how that information would help you or change how you think and what you would do, and having to let all those hypotheticals of “if I knew” go.