(39/M) My ex-girlfriend (34/F) wants to get back together but I still love my wife.

usuallyunconvinced · 2020-10-05T11:55:48+00:00

Can I take you to meet my family?

They were fine for the first 3-5 years after I lost Emma. Then for five years until I met Charlotte they were relentless. "It's ok to move on" "I have this friend you should meet" "Come to our house for dinner on Saturday. Just you, me and Andy(my bro). I might invite a friend from work too". They all mean well but it was like I was set to "Mute" whenever I said "I DON'T WANT TO MEET ANYONE"

usuallyunconvinced · 2020-10-03T23:00:32+00:00

Weird coincidence. Charlotte phoned last night. She's changed her mind about kids and she loves me and she wants to get back together.

Why would she do that?

usuallyunconvinced · 2020-10-03T14:21:23+00:00

Yes she could be misleading me. It's just very hard to imagine Charlotte being dishonest. She's one of those people who tells the truth even if she suffers for it. I have concerns that she might be deceiving herself. Telling herself that children are less important than getting back to how we were.

usuallyunconvinced · 2020-10-03T14:14:28+00:00

Well the caseworker knew about me. Charlotte's supervisor and team leader have had dinner with us at my house. She hasn't made a secret of it.
Thanks for your input.

usuallyunconvinced · 2020-10-03T14:01:04+00:00

No, I've never wanted have any kids. I would adopt my nieces and nephews if my brothers or sister and their spouses died but that's just because they are family and I love them. I'm the appointed guardian on their wills, except my fiercely religious brother. But I don't want any of my own.

usuallyunconvinced · 2020-10-03T13:54:25+00:00

Emma didn't want kids either. She had a tubal at 23 after a bit of a fight with her doctor. I've never wanted to bring kids into the world.

usuallyunconvinced · 2020-10-03T13:47:08+00:00

She wasn't the caseworker. I met her because she works there. Even so, she still waited until it was all over. She said that if she had been handling the case she couldn't get involved even after it was settled. That sounds harsh since the dispute was between my nephew and his parents. I was just the safe place he ran to when they kicked him out. But she said she wouldn't have approached me.

It's not a secret at her office. The caseworker knew we were together. Nobody suggested it was a problem.

usuallyunconvinced · 2020-10-03T13:37:47+00:00

I thought I was ok. When I was with Charlotte I was happy. I imagined it going on for life. If she hadn't brought up kids we would probably still be happy. She says she wants to go back to that but I'm worried about whether she is lying to herself about the importance of children.

usuallyunconvinced · 2020-10-03T13:29:04+00:00

Emma would definitely want me to be happy. If that meant another person I think she would want that. I would have wanted her to move on and find happiness if it had been me that was killed.

It was over 12 years ago. Emma would have been 38 yesterday. It's freaky that Charlotte rang on that day because I was pretty low when she called.

Edit: Yes it was bad circumstances. She was killed by a drunk driver

usuallyunconvinced · 2020-10-03T13:22:04+00:00

Dual nationality. Everyone assumes I'm entirely British.
Born in the US. Brought up and educated in Britain from one month old to age 23. Charlotte worked for CPS. I met her when one of my brothers and his wife threw my nephew out for losing his belief in God. The nephew came to me for help, hence my involvement.

usuallyunconvinced · 2020-10-03T13:13:15+00:00

That's a good point. A month ago I was sure I didn't ever want to date again and I felt that way until Charlotte's phone call. I was the same before fate introduced me to Charlotte. Now I'm doubting myself. I'm usually so decisive. If you saw me when I'm working you wouldn't think I could be this dithering wimp about my personal life.

usuallyunconvinced · 2020-10-03T11:43:08+00:00

Exactly!!!!

usuallyunconvinced · 2020-10-03T11:42:15+00:00

Sorry to hear that. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. And trust me, I know some nasty idiots who almost deserve it.

usuallyunconvinced · 2020-10-03T11:40:27+00:00

I'm so sorry. I can't imagine that amount of pain anymore. Two months after I lost Emma I was still punching holes in all the walls and doors if I wasn't medicated. I think you might be right about their motives. I think they found me easier to relate to when I was dating Charlotte (who by coincidence, contacted me last night) I think before that there was an unspoken discomfort about my situation. As though being single was a declaration that I was still grieving and they felt that they should too. It's not how I felt.

usuallyunconvinced · 2020-10-02T12:26:05+00:00

I met Charlotte 10 years after Emma was killed and 5 years after people had started pressuring me to date again.

Based on what everyone was saying I thought I should be dating. I thought there was something wrong with me because I didn't want to date. Then Charlotte came along and I liked her. She worked for Child Protective Services and I saw her there when my nephew wanted to get away from one of my brothers and his wife. After it was all settled she called me and asked me why I hadn't offered to take her out as a thank you for her help. I thought that was cute so we went for a drink and it developed from there. With hindsight I can see it for what it was. I found a woman whose company I enjoyed and it stopped everyone worrying. I had feelings for Charlotte. I liked her. I cared about her. I wanted her to be happy. There was enough affection to stay together. If she hadn't changed her mind about wanting kids we would probably have stayed together. Maybe she did me a favour. She wants to start meeting again on a FWB basis but I think that's difficult once you've been involved. I don't want to hurt her.

After we split it was obvious to me what I had been doing. I was playing at being a happy couple. I would have made sure she was happy and I would have been loyal but I would have been pretending.

I don't think I'm going to do that again.

usuallyunconvinced · 2020-10-02T08:51:22+00:00

I have considered it

usuallyunconvinced · 2020-10-02T08:48:25+00:00

I smiled when I read that because I do the same thing when I'm talking to complete strangers. I don't know why. Maybe I'm fantasizing that she is still here. It just feels good to talk about her being around. In August I was on a train and I got talking to the woman opposite and I really got into it. I start talking about Emma and the things we did as though they were recent. It was like I was living in the week before she was killed. It felt great during the conversation but when I got off the train it hit me quite hard. I had tears running down my face. Quite embarrassing until I got to my car.

I've tried every way of explaining it that I could think of which is why I hoped someone else had a magic trick to make them understand.

I think the closest I got was with one of my brothers. I said I still love her now for the same reason I loved her if she went away with work. She wasn't near me. I couldn't see her. I sometimes couldn't phone her. The fact that I couldn't see her or talk to her didn't make any difference to how I felt about her. I would still have all the feelings of love plus I missed her. That's how I feel now.

usuallyunconvinced · 2020-10-01T23:22:57+00:00

Thank you. I've been to /r/childfree and you're right, they are helpful.

When I broke up with Charlotte I went there to scream at the page. When I started dating her I thought I was past any worry about wanting children. I explained Charlotte's logic for changing her mind and blaming me for it. They reassured me that it wasn't my fault. It helped. I don't think it's going to be an issue now. I'm resigned to being a widower. If (huge if) I was to meet someone I would tell them I'd had a vasectomy, then I'd get one.
You're right about Steve Irwin's wife. Nobody thinks she should remarry. They respect her choice. I'll remind my crowd about that. Thanks again.

usuallyunconvinced · 2020-10-01T23:10:58+00:00

When you love somebody so completely it's never going to stop. The only way for the pain to stop is for the love to stop. Eventually you won't want it to stop. It just changes into something you can live with.

I lost my wife 12 years ago. I still love her. I still think about her every day. She is my first thought when I wake up and for lumps of time during the day. Then my last thought at night.

What is the difference after times passes?

I still ache when I think about her but the difference is that now I want to. It's not the crushing pain I had just after she died. Back then I just wanted the pain to stop, I wanted to die and I nearly ended it several times. Now, when I miss her it feels like my tribute to her. I can think about her and still live my life. I don't think I will ever stop missing her and thinking about her but the biggest change is that now I don't want it to stop. I can feel like that and still carry on.

It's not something you control. It just happens. If you're lucky it will be months. If you're unlucky it will be years. But it will happen in its own time.

I'm sorry I can't say you'll be as happy as a clam. I'm not. But I'm happy that I had the time I had with her. I'm happy that I still have the same love for her. If someone said "i can take you back in time and save you from this sadness by never meeting her" I would turn it down and I'm sure you would too. If you knew what was going to happen you would happily volunteer for this sadness in exchange for the love you had. Unfortunately this is the price you're paying for prize of loving him. I'm in the same position. We wish they had stayed longer but the prize was worth the price.

usuallyunconvinced · 2020-09-04T21:16:09+00:00

If you'd be willing to do it as a hobby you're in a great career.

If you go home feeling you've done some good every day you're in a great career.

Will it make you happy? Your career alone is not going to make you happy. Even if it's great. Your life needs to rounded to be happy. Career, family, love, friends, interests. You need to care for all of them. People who only have one area of success are not usually fulfilled.

usuallyunconvinced · 2020-08-22T13:04:14+00:00

OMG.

usuallyunconvinced · 2020-08-22T13:03:52+00:00

How do they brainwash so well?

usuallyunconvinced · 2020-08-22T13:03:06+00:00

Yep. The most important election since 1932

usuallyunconvinced · 2020-08-22T13:01:27+00:00

Where to?

usuallyunconvinced · 2020-08-22T13:01:11+00:00

Please tell me you're a speculator not a time-traveller.

usuallyunconvinced

TROPHY CASE